GotPram's Xanga

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 18:47:20 GMT

So here I am again. It's been so long since I've written my thoughts. Now I feel like I have too many thoughts in my head. So the semester is finally over. I feel so free and confident..for now. lol Today while I was driving to take my Spanish final at school, I've come to this conclusion. I was beating myself up for not studying for my Spanish final. Spanish was not my choice of language to study. I only chose it b/c my mom thought it would be more helpful and better. I realized that no matter how much my mom wants me to study Spanish or anything, I have to desire to want to do it. This is my 3rd time retaking this class, and last summer I failed it. I kept asking God, will I pass it this time around? So as I was driving, it hit me. If God wanted me to study Spanish, wouldn't He put that desire in my heart? Why am I doing what others want me to, and not what I truly desire? So I started thinking again, this time about what my friend said. She said that following your heart is silly. Your heart is an organ, why would you want to listen to your organ? So I asked myself is following your heart silly? In high school, I had a dream that God told me to follow my heart and everything will be alright. In that dream, there was a candle to remind me. Printed on that candle was "Follow your Heart." That week, a cheerleader in my class was selling candles. I look through the book, and I saw the candle in my dream, so I bought it. After high school, there was more pressure from my mom on what to study in college. I decided to major in what I desire, and that has always been media production. She still doesn't know what I'm studying. lol But somehow along the way, I managed to let her ideas and wants slip in. I started to consider about minoring in something that would be a safe backup plan, in case my media production thing didn't work. I wasted a year or so, changing minors and studying spanish. I probably would have been done with college if I had stuck to what was true to me. I didn't follow my heart, I let the world's definition of a secure career convince me media production wasn't safe enough. I've always been a strong believer if you have a strong desire for something, no matter how hard it is, you can do it. I don't know why I got scared, and forgot this.

What I desire now: I have a desire to study Vietnamese to better my language, and I've always been interested in Chinese. Well..actually Korean language, but UH doesn't offer that. I want to learn more about script writing. I want to edit more video projects. I want to travel. Something that I keep daydreaming about is packing up, leaving to Taiwan or Korea and write one good drama that sells. I know it sounds so silly. I want to write a story that will make people cry, laugh and hope. I want to edit a video that will tell a story leaving people feeling something. I want to take pictures to show people God's beauty in everything. This what I want to leave the world.

So is following your heart silly? I don't think it is. I know that your heart is an organ, but it feels emotions. When you get broken hearted for the 1st time, and you can feel that pain from your heart and it travels through your finger tips. I would say it's more than an organ. Even if it is an organ, it's what keeps you alive, just like some dreams, hopes, wishes, love, and desire give people a reason to live.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 04:09:23 GMT

My mom gave me a picture of my biological dad. It's not like I never met him or know how he looks like. I just never owned a picture of him. I used to have these hate feelings towards him, but not so much now. I still wonder what happened between them. One summer night, my cousins and I were playing pool. I bet everyone, and my cousin asked where did I learn to play. My other cousin answered it's b/c my dad plays pool very well. So they think I probably got it from my dad. lol I don't know really, but I do desire to play a game of pool with my dad one of these days.

I'm learning to be a better sister. I guess I don't realized that sometimes tough love isn't what my bro needs or understands. I'm learning to show him I care and worry in a not so mean way.

I had a bad day on Saturday and a break down at work. The thing that I realized is that after a bad day, I caught myself saying I wish I had someone here to comfort me. I know there's always God, family, and friends. But to have a companion to share your bad day with would be nice. My mind set has been to stay single until I'm ready to marry. I still have a lot of things I would like to do; career wise, travel, and wherever God takes me. Sometimes I wonder is love suppose to be so complicated? I see my friends hurt over such feelings. I wonder if it's meant to be, would it be so complicated? If something is from God, would it all fall into place, or do you have to fight for it b/c the devil is trying his best to make it complicated for you? Do we have to fight for our happiness?

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 05:49:25 GMT

Sorry so being so depressed and distanced lately. I haven't been happy with where I am in life for the past year or so. I'm still not happy. I'm more angry with myself, but I'm working on that. Sometimes you just need someone to help you see your options.

The moment just passes you by...

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 04:29:28 GMT

somehow along the way...am I really living? Why am I so numb? I've distanced myself from friends, family, and God. I've kept everything to myself. I so want to share what I'm thinking or have been feeling, but I can't find the words to say. I feel like I can't talk to my friends anymore, even if I want to. I feel like I'm just waiting for life to pass me by, or for the world to end already. I feel like I'm suppressing everything, and smiling to forget. The food is prepared and set out before me, but all I can do is sit and stare at it..why?

"Stop and stare" One Republic

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see

They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What u need, what u need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do u see what I see...

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Sun, 20 May 2007 01:04:29 GMT

Where does it end?..

I got my grades from school, and it's no surprise I fail one class and got a D+ in another. I think this is my first F in college. Pretty disappointed in myself, but then I don't care. This past semester I was so tired and burnt out. I struggled so much studying and going to class. I don't know what happened to me, it's like I gave up. But before finals started, I found some hope to study and I did better than I thought on my final. Now I don't know what to do with school. Cram 4 summer classes, 6 fall classes, and a $1000 more to finish in Fall 2007? Or take it easy and spread out my classes for another year at UH and get money back?

I'm so sad after watching Grey's Anatomy this week. So freaking depressing! I was rooting for a happy ending. I realized that my heart can not take sad depressing endings. Yet I torture myself in watching "Autumn in New York" and some sad Korean movie. I swear I wanted to kill myself afterwards. I like watching funny, witty, and happy ending stuff. I guess that's why I really enjoy those silly Korean dramas. ^__^ But yea..everytime I think about what happened in Grey's, I feel like crying my heart out.

All I do is work work work 7 days a week, 7 to 8 hrs a day. Crazy huh? It gets really tiring. That's why I'm wondering if I can make it with 4 summer classes and work every day. I had an interesting conversation with a customer today. He's a pastor, and he always cash his checks at our place. He would always tell me to keep on praying and to be good. lol He's always teasing me about being bad. But today he was saiding that, and I asked him how does he know. He told me how he knows about my bad relationships with guys. Dating the wrong guy and him mistreating me. I was like that happens to every girl. He said yea, but it happened to you with 10 guys. I'm thinking to myself..Did God tell him this? And then he said something about me wanting to date a korean guy. I was like How did you know? lol I think he's stalking me or maybe God's telling him all this. But that was kinda interesting, I think.

I've been depressed about my weight gain lately. Seriously..no one believes me..but I'm getting big. My cousins finally believed me after seeing me in a bathin suit yesterday o_O. They said they'll help me work out. *sigh* Sometimes I wish there was a "start over" button. So I'm trying to lose 10-30lbs. I look at myself and I see this fat ugly hideous person. I'm so disgusted with myself too. None of my clothes fit me. And I told myself I'm not buying anymore clothes until I lose the weight.

Sometimes I wonder when things will start looking up for my family and me. When will we be able to have a house/home? When will my bro listen and behave? When will my mom stop leaving me and my bro to gamble? When will my stepdad move back in with us? When can we all sit at the dinner table and eat, laugh, and talk? When will we ever have a family vacation together? When will we be happy together and not fight? When..?

can't hardly wait..

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 00:25:35 GMT

Recent guys I want to marry. hahaha
Oh, I also still wouldn't mind marrying Ken Oak and Jaeson Ma.
But I'm still waiting on my future husband..can't wait to meet him.

Lee Joon ki

Se7en

Mike He

Bin Hyeon

This is old, but I was looking through old stuff.

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF)

You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.
You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.

You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.
Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.

You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.
Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.

In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.

At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.

With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.

As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.

On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

You Should Be a Film Writer

You don't just create compelling stories, you see them as clearly as a movie in your mind.
You have a knack for details and dialogue. You can really make a character come to life.
Chances are, you enjoy creating all types of stories. The joy is in the storytelling.
And nothing would please you more than millions of people seeing your story on the big screen!

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

haha..this is funny. I was told that I should be a film writer before. I still have a desire to write.

You Are Teal Green

You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you.
Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible.
While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks.
Your warm personality nicely counteracts and strange habits you may have.

What Color Green Are You?
Strange habits I may have???? I do not have any strange habits. Maybe burping every 5mins, nose flaring, and popping my neck and such.

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic

At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung

You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping

Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Coffee..and coffee chocolate cover coffee beans. Beat that!!!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 18:40:09 GMT

Thank you all who've supported me on my Epic Trip in San Jose, and all yall's prayers. I would have posted about my trip earlier, but when I came back there was so much catching up on school work.

The first two days were kinda eh to me. I felt like I have already heard most of the stuff. The first night, Vivian Mabuni told the story about the little girl and her pearls. I asked God, why am I hearing this story again? I waited, and nothing. We went into our small groups, which was a little bit unorganized bc we couldn't find who was suppose to be in our small group. I think the devil was trying to make things difficult for the conference. Two of the speakers got really sick, and had to go to the ER. There was a dance music thing going on next door, which was distracting. The next day, there was a physic convention going on next door too. But the Epic conference went on..even stronger. The people there were great. Kathie and I got to room with these 2 sweet girls. We talked, shared, laughed, and cried. I miss them very much already. They're so young and with so much passion. Jennifer was a new believer who bought her friend Verna. Verna didn't know why she had came. She had not accepted Christ, but soon did after the first night there. Kathie and I helped lead her, and she felt at peace. They took us to eat In and Out burgers, and we went picture crazy. LOL Jennifer has so much passion. She shared her testimony at the conference, and she has a passion who Christians who have lost their passion for Christ.

Jaeson Ma was one of the speakers that was in the ER. He made it on the third day. He's a really great speaker. I didn't take very good notes. =( When we wait for God, God will move in action. God is waiting for someone who is waiting for Him. Mark 3:13 - Jesus was appointed-chosen. Act 4:13? - Peter and John were uneducated & untrained, but have been with Jesus.
1). Passionately in love with Jesus. We love Him because He first loved us. You get passion for Jesus by studying His passion for you. Know God's passion for you. Passion is what we are willing to die for. Jesus died for us. Love does not know any fear. God is love. To be so passionately in love, you feel compelled/burning to tell - to let it out. It overflows from within you.
2). Know how to pray. Anointing - ability to call what you're suppose to do. Much prayer - more power.
3). Walks in divine power. Anointing for your purpose. Holy Spirit.
What does God look like - The father. Psalms 16:9 - Jesus heart rejoice. Jesus is full of joy. Luke 15:17
God is confident in His love and in His daughter/son. Isaiah 53 - The father kills the son. His love is so reckless, He doesn't care what others think or anything. Psalms 103 - Beauty of God.

The night before I was sharing with my roommates what I finally realize what I want in a guy. I told them how I want someone who has so much confidence in me and in our relationship. That he would love me no matter what bc he believes there would be no one else. Someone who would fight for me. Someone who does what he says. He doesn't care what other people think, as long as I'm there. And the next night Jaeson Ma, described God's love for us..I was like hey that's what I said. lol I was describing someone like God. Jaeson Ma understood God's love for us. I finally understood it. I went to the Epic conference bc God said He's going to show me something amazing. I waited patiently. The last night I was there, God showed me something amazing. I can't describe it, but it was amazing. I realized that there's something bigger moving and starting. I've been trying to hold on to ACF, not wanting to let it go. But it hasn't been fulfilling its purpose, and yet I still hope it's just a season. But like the little girl and her pearls story, I have to let it go for something bigger. That something bigger, I believe is the new U of H Epic on campus. Oh, and we went to the Vietnamese New Year's festival and shared God's word & love. I'm glad I went. =)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For a year now, I've been struggling with my school work. There's no motivation for me to want to go to school, wake up for school, study for school, or anything. I've been feeling tired for a long time now. I feel like I'm hanging on at the end of the rope for a year now, and I'm tired of hanging on. For a moment I think what's the point..of school..or this? Wouldn't it be better to let go? I just want to let go, but this faint voice keeps telling me to keep trying, and tells me I haven't even met my husband yet, so I can't let go. I keep asking God "Why am I so tired" "Can I sleep forever or until I'm ready to wake up?" I just want to quit. Quit school, work, everything.. But then I know I have so much that I need to do. But I would like for just a month or even one day to just do nothing, to feel no worries. I've been sad for a while, and I'm tired of it. I'm truly disappointed and embarrassed of my school work. If I had the money, I would like to take a break from school and stay with my uncle in California or just travel for a little while. I'm tired of being tired.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 01:37:51 GMT

Hillsong United "Mighty to Save"

When everyone needs compassion,
And love that never fails,
Let mercy fall on me

When everyone needs forgiveness,
Kindness of the Saviour
The Hope of the nation

(Chorus:)
Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My god is mighty to save,
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again

I give my life to follow
Everything that i believe in
Now i surrender (and i surrender)

(Bridge:)
Shine a light in and let the whole world see
Singing, for the glory of the risen king
Jesus, Shine a light and let the whole world see
Singing for the glory of the risen king

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 23:52:01 GMT

"How Can I Keep From Singing"

There is an endless song,
echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring
And though the storms may come,
I am holding on,
and to the rock I cling.

Chorus:
How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough?
how amazing is Your love?
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
and it makes my heart want to sing

Verse 2:
I will lift my eyes
in the darkest night
for I know my Savior lives
and I will walk with You
knowing You see me through
and sing the songs You give

Bridge:
I can sing in the troubled times,
sing when I win.
I can sing when I lose my step,
and I fall down again.
I can sing 'cause You pick me up,
sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me Lord,
when I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
sing for I know
that I'll sing with the angels,
and the saints around the throne.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 14:31:24 GMT

God, help me.. only you know my heart and it's desire..