GothicPunkOutcast's Xanga

Friday, October 13, 2006

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 06:20:42 GMT

Apparently I can be more confused. The guy I spoke of in my last post showed me a side of himself today that I have never seen. I'm not sure I can deal with that situation. On top of that whole confusion, I just got back in touch of an ex-boyfriend of mine and was suprised at some of the things that was said. It's going to be another interesting day tomorrow.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 06:38:32 GMT

Wow, it's been almost forever since I have been on this thing. I totally forgot I even had this thing. Now that I have no friends and no boyfriend, I may have to devote my life to Xanga. It's not like I will have anything better to do.

I'm not sure how much I should reveal about my current life situation but I need to get it out into the universe somehow so here it goes. My boyfriend of a year and a half and I just broke up. While he will tell you it was a mutual decision, it was really all my idea. I was a little sad that it all had to end but I'm trying to do what is best for me. Unfortunately I met someone who could possibly be the most perfect person for me. Almost like a soulmate. We are so compatible it was kind of scary. I'm convinced he is the kind of person I could actually care about. The only problem is he is unavailable. He keeps telling me that he is not looking for a commitment. He says he doesn't want a relationship. However, the look in his eyes tell me something different. The way he acts around me tells me something different. I'm a really big on the whole action-speaks-louder-than-words thoery. But I'm just not sure I want to put myself in s situation where I could get really hurt. On the other hand, I feel something between us that I have never felt for another person before. I don't think I can ignore such a connection. Should I just be bold and say to him: I know you feel the same way I do and it doesn't matter how complicated our lives are. This feeling is something we need to grab on to and see where it takes us. Because we could possibly belong together and to let anything get in the way of this could ruin our lives?

Could I possibly be more confused?

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 07:20:28 GMT

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?: Astrid
SINGLE OR TAKEN?: Taken

BIRTHDAY?: April 28
ZODIAC SIGN?: Taurus

AGE?: too damn old

HAIR?: naturally brown, currently red
WHERE DO YOU LIVE?: somewhere on the huge planet we all live on
WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?: taking this survey
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU DID?: stare at my phone in the hopes that it would ring...no such luck.

WHAT IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU: my little sister, she's asleep.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU ATE OUT WITH?: my boyfriend and most of his family

IF U WERE A TOY, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?: Gothic Puerto Rican Barbie

WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON?:
it wouldn't really matter as long as I'm with my true love
WHO WOULD YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
WITH?: Danny
HOWS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?: hot
LAST PERSON YOU TALKED ON THE PHONE WITH?: Danny

LAST PERSON WHO TEXT YOU: Danny
LAST PERSON YOU TEXT: Danny...I'm beginning to think I need to get me some friends
DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I cheated and copied it from someone's site
WHAT DO YOU THINK A TOBLERONE IS?: an idiots way of saying trombrone

WHAT R U WEARING RIGHT NOW?: clothes

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?: no

WHO DO CONSIDER YOUR CLOSEST/BESTEST FRIEND?: Danny...once again I'm thinking I need more friends
WHAT WAS THE BEST ADVICE EVER GIVEN TO YOU?: Everything happens for a reason

DO U OWN A VEHICLE?: yes
HAVE YOU EVER WON A SPECIAL AWARD?: no

WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE PLANS?: living through the night
FAVORITE FOOD?: don't really have a favorite
FAVORITE FILM: I have a whole bunch

LAST FILM YOU SAW AT CINEMA?: The Perfect Man

FAVE BOYS COLOGNE: Axe deodorant body spray
DO YOU LIKE TO DANCE?: yeah
ARE YOU T OO SHY TO ASK ANYONE OUT?: no
IF YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR NAME TO ANYTHING, WHAT WOULD IT BE?: Akasha

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?: Several times

WHAT IS THE MOST STUPID THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE?: Depends on the day, but I would have to say telling someone I didn't care about I would marry them.

DO YOU LIKE SCARY OR HAPPY MOVIES?: scary
CHRISTMAS OR EASTER: neither
LUST OR LOVE?: love
KISSES OR HUGS?: kisses and groping
WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR PAJAMAS: depends on which ones you wanna know about

WHAT COLOR'S YOUR TOOTHBRUSH?: white and some funky green color
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS QUIZ?: helps pass the time

DO U WANT UR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK?: I don't have any friends remember?

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: When he doesn't call me
WHATS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP?: What time is it?

ROLLER COASTER, SCARY OR WICKED??: Scary, don't do them

HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU LET THE PHONE RING BEFORE YOU ANSWER IT?: my phone doesn't ring, it plays music

IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE?: Benji Madden

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB IN THE WORLD WHAT WOULD IT BE: whatever pays me alot of money to do next to nothing
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?: mainly half full
WHATS YOUR FAVE NUMBER?: 5
CHOCOLATE OR WHITE MILK?: white
ROOT BEER OR DOCTOR PEPPER?: neither
MUD OR JELLY WRESTLING? mud

SKIING OR BOARDING? boarding
DAY OR NIGHT? night

SUMMER OR WINTER?: at my age, it doesn't really matter

SILVER OR GOLD?: white gold
DIAMONDS OR PEARLS?: diamonds
SUNRISE OR SUNSET?: sunset

HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN A BONE?: no
DO YOU WEAR RINGS?: yes
DO YOU HATE ANYONE : I try not to but yes
ARE YOU LOUD OR QUIET: depends on the day

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 06:54:54 GMT

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Quick Summary:

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing injury to their own body. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. Borderlines think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder:

Self-injury or attempted suicide
Strong feelings of anger, anxiety, or depression that last for several hours
Impulsive behavior
Drug or alcohol abuse
Feelings of low self-worth
Unstable relationships with friends, family, and boyfriends/girlfriends

Additional Information:

Borderline personality disorder was so-named because it was originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis. The disorder is relatively common, affecting 2% of adults. Women are much more likely to suffer borderline than men. Nearly 20% of psychiatric hospitalizations are due to borderline. With treatment, patients are often able to see their symptoms improve.

Treatment involves therapy in which the patient learns to talk through his or her feelings rather than unleashing them in destructive and self-defeating ways. Medication may be helpful, and treatment of any alcohol or substance abuse issues is required. Brief hospitalization is sometimes required, especially in cases involving psychotic episodes or suicide threats or attempts.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 01:32:51 GMT

A lot has happened since my post in February. I did leave my fiance in February, taking my possessions and the car, which he gave me a couple of days before I left, to my mother's house to begin my life anew. I most likely should have spent my new found singledom looking for a better job, my own place, and new things to fill up all the time I now had on my hands. But instead, I tried jumping into another relationship. His name is Danny and he is my current boyfriend. I met him when I first started working at Kmart. I worked in the electronics department and he worked in the pantry department. My register faced the juice aisle. When we first met, I thought he was a total snob. To this day, I don't know why I thought that of him, but I remember being really mean to him when he tried to tell me a joke. Even though I was really mean to him, I still found him to be really attractive and immediately fell into infatuation with him. Slowly, I tried to be friends with him and get to know him. I soon realized that he was really shy and quiet, the exact opposite of me. However, I did not give up trying to get close to him. Throughout this time, my relationship with my fiance started to fall apart. He informed me that he did not want to marry me anytime soon and we started to go our separate ways. I became more and more engrossed in work, i.e. getting close to Danny. At this point, it was quite obvious to everyone but him that I was completely in love with him. Infatuation had left the building a long time ago. Yet while everyone else seemed to know about my feelings for him, he was still quite in the dark. So I told him. I didn't use the L word at the time, I just told him I liked him. Months go by and all he tells me is that he does not return the feelings. But I still did not give up. Looking back, it might have been a good idea to have given up, but I'm not the smartest woman when it comes to matters of the heart. When my fiance and I broke up, I saw it as the perfect opportunity to approach Danny about a relationship. Things didn't go exactly as I planned, like they never do. On March 3, we started dating. The next day, Danny informed me that he did not want to continue our "relationship". I was his first girlfriend and he did not think he was ready for a relationship. I cried, of course, and he apologized and asked me to take him back. This happened twice and both times I took him back. After the second time, he promised to never do that to me again, and so far he has kept his promise. We had a rocky start, with his indesiciveness to continue our relationship to my desire to drink heavily at bars that led to the hugest mistake in my life. Since then, I have stopped drinking so much when I'm out with friends and he has since realized how much he cares about me. So far, everything is going really great. I don't get to see him as often as I like, but we talk quite a bit on the phone and we text each other when we are unable to talk. I usually see him on his days off. He is my heart. I don't know what I would be doing if I hadn't met him.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 19:01:47 GMT

Untitled

Amazing how life fills pages
hundreds of pages and pages
full of empty words
trying to capture what it means
to be in love
with somebody who never answers their phone
and wakes up next to you
and leaves to make eggs
and all you can think is
they have gone away
leaving you to silently fight the ringing in your ears
until you become obsessed
with numbers that go on forever
the same number over and over
filling the pages
the hundred of pages and pages
of what it means
to love somebody
who never answers their phone

Astrid Madden

Baby, I promise it's not about you.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 03:24:55 GMT

And now for another random posting brought to you by the makers of reality TV...because life is so much better when we take real people and put them in not-so-real situations.

My life has taken a small step towards the better since last october. I left the fiance I was supposed to marry. I decided it wasn't worth it to be with someone just to be with someone, especially when that someone is a total jerk. I currently live with family but that's no problem for me. Now I must go to bed.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 23:09:42 GMT

Thank you to all the people who left me such great comments on both my sites. I will admit I was a little surprised that I only recieved 14 comments on BenjiMadden, but at least most of those who wrote agreed with me.

For the most part, my life these past few months have been boring. I work at Kmart and try very hard not to hurt the really stupid people that come in to my store. I come home and sit at my computer and surf the internet. Usually when I surf, I look for something educational. My favorite websites are university websites with papers on it by students on my favorite and sometimes my not so favorite authors and books. I dropped out of school last year, which took up much of my time. In the spring I'm hoping to re-enroll and take internet classes. Makes sense to me since most of my time is spent on the internet. When I'm not on the internet, I split my time between reading books (any book I can get my hands on, I'm not picky about my books) or doing crafts. I love to paint wood furniture. I like to cross stitch and crochet. When I get a sewing machine, I will start making my own clothes. I want to start branching out into painting my own murals or paintings, but I haven't discovered what I'm good at yet. I don't have friends so I don't go out and do much. If I do go out, I go by myself and do things like visit my family, go shopping, or take pictures of cool stuff. I really thought I would have accomplished more than I actually have. It's my main inspiration for going back to school. I want a better life than what I have now.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Tue, 21 Sep 2004 12:37:29 GMT

Well, I guess my secret is out. It was fun while it lasted. I'm still amazed at all the attention my little site attracted. I knew I would spark some controversy over my choice of screen name. But the response I got was bigger than I expected. The most shocking thing I saw (besides the huge amount of mail I received from fans looking for an autograph hoping "Benji" would write them back, or to share their tales of woe) was the amount of hate mail I received. Most were directed at Benji and the rest of the Good Charlotte Band. But quite a few were directed at me personally. While I won't go into much detail about what was in these email, I will say most of them said basically the same thing: I was a poser, I was a loser, I wasn't punk, what kind of loser names their site after such a crappy band. There were some more ramblings of this nature for pages and pages. I'm not going to give my prejudice speech. You'll have to go to the BenjiMadden page for that one. After this experience, I have changed my opinion that people are basically good people. Obviously if people get this worked up over people they will likely never meet, labels used to make people conform to a certain idea of what they should be, and what other people like, then maybe it's a good thing I revealed the truth and ended the BenjiMadden page. It shouldn't matter what I call my xanga site or if I call myself Goth or if I call myself a Punk. Being punk doesn't mean you listen to a certain type of music, or you dress a certain way. My parents (who at the height of the UK punk movement were the biggest punk rockers in their town. I've seen pictures. They were scary.) always taught me being punk meant being true to who I am, not letting anyone try to change me or label me or give me shit because I wore spiked jewelry I made myself, wore black makeup and all black clothing but still watched Disney movies, listened to European Pop or taught myself how to crochet. If you think that makes me a poser or makes me anything but punk, then so be it. But don't come on my site and try to tell me otherwise. Because not only do I not believe what you say, I highly doubt someone who cares so much what other people do, wear, listen to, or watch, is very secure with who they are. Grow up a little. Experience the world. There is so much more to life than who's punk or not. Read a book. Learn to play a musical instrument. Take up painting. Try something new. Live your life and I'll live mine. Worry about your life and let me worry about mine.

P.S. Any flames I recieve will be read, responded to, then promptly deleted. Users sending me flames will be blocked from my site. I want this site to be a positive place. Like your mother always said: If you don't have anything nice to say...Don't say anything at all!