Road Kill

Notes on Natalie (by Jeremy)

Okay, for all of you in the Xanga community, this is Jeremy and this is my first post ever!!!! Michelle does an outstanding job of keeping everyone up to speed on our little clan's happenings; however, she thought that I needed to pass on these few adventures which involved Natalie.  Somehow I think this is her way of denying any genetic responsibility for some of Natalie's characteristics.

TALE #1 (oh yes, there's more than one)

Okay, about a month ago I was on my way home from work and decided to call my Mom.  The first words out of her mouth when she answered were, "I'm on my way."  Okay.  So I ask the obvious, "What you do you mean you're on your way?"  Then comes the suprising response - "Natalie's hurt real bad and needs to go to the hospital."  How I didn't wreck right there is a mystery because I had just spoke with Michelle no more than 10 minutes earlier.  As you can imagine my mind was thinking of the worst.

A quick call home told me that a lot of bad things can happen in 10 minutes.  As it turned out, Michelle was downstairs typing away on email and Natalie decided to see what kind of treasures we were throwing away in the kitchen trash can.  She got her finger stuck between an empty green bean can and it's lid.  One of her sisters came to her aid and "probably pulled her finger out a little too hard."  The lid nearly cut off the pad of her right index finger.  Four stitches later things were a little better.  Forensicly speaking, her fingerprint now is changed forever and now more unique than ever. 

Somehow we knew Natalie would be our first child to require stitches.

TALE #2

When last Saturday rolled around, our hallway bathroom toilet had been slow for a couple of weeks.  Okay, it had overflowed at least three times that I can remember.  I plunged away until my back was sore but all I could accomplish was to make it go down a little faster, but not much.  We even used some advice from a friend's mother and put a whole bunch of conditioner down the toilet in hopes that this would lube up the clog and break it free.  Nothing.  Our girls just learned to not use the hallway toilet.  Of course, the fact that we locked the bathroom door helped out, too.

Alright - I admit it - I should have taken been the Super Husband and resolved the problem the first day; but I didn't.  I did buy a hand-held roto-rooter to fix the issue but the thing didn't make the turns very well.

Okay, back to Saturday.  The toilet is "okay" and my nieces and nephew are visiting for the day.  Their parents leave for a much needed date.  Our girls knew not to use the toilet, but my nieces and nephew did not.  One of them used it for #2 and plugged it up solid.  It almost overflowed right there. 

That did it for me.  I plunged until most of the noxious material went down and then went to Walmart to get the necessary supplies to pull the toilet from the floor and attack this clog once and for all.  Back at the house all of the children were watching a movie and Michelle and I took to the task. 

WARNING!  The rest of this tale is rated PG (Pretty Gross) so those who have never changed a diaper might want to stop and visit someone else's Xanga site. 

Okay, after pulling up on the toilet I needed to stop and barricade off the flood of water that came out.  With that done, Michelle stood in the tub and we balanced the back of the bowl on the tub's edge so I could peer into the bottom of the toilet.

Well, for about two weeks up to this point, I had been missing a certain personal care product - my hair brush.  Mine was the kind that folded in half real neatly.  It so happens that it's about the only kind of hair brush that could have successfully manuevered most of the turns inside of a toilet.  Most, not all.  It turns out that our youngest daughter had discovered that she could put things into the toilet, flush, and they wouldn't come back. 

We have no idea how many previous successful attempts had been made in this regard.

Back to the story.  So, I've got to get this brush out.  I used some of my father's wisdom and cut up a metal clothes hanger to make a hook.  No amount of pulling on that thing was going to get it out.  Michelle was afraid I was going to break the toilet (I actually did that a few years back) or that we would need to get a new toilet.  I was trying to figure out how to break the brush and pull it out in pieces.

Then it occured to me to push rather than pull.  Eureka! The brush easily slide back inside the toilet.  Dreading what this meant, I asked Michelle to check on the children.  With her gone, I grabbed the toilet and flipped it upside down and around while shaking it the entire time which resulted in not so clean water and, um, poo falling all over the tub.  But, guess what?  SUCCESS!  When I peered into the bowl there was the offending brush.  I grabbed the aforementioned hook, snagged the object ,and dropped it into the sink.  Bad move Jeremy.  Bad move.

When Michelle stuck her head into the bathroom to assess my progress she caught sight of the brush in the sink and, I'm totally serious on this one, started to gag on the spot.  I truly thought we were going to have compounding issues surface.  You see, the brush wasn't really clean any more.  It had "stuff" stuck all throughout it's brushes.

So what did my wonderful wife decide to do at this point?  Take a picture of it of course.  Apparently she didn't think that anyone would believe this story unless we have proof. 

These are two tales of our youngest daughter.  I hope you've enjoyed them somewhat and are able to avoid anything remotely like either of them with your children. 

Jeremy