We,
the people — in particular, those socially active seekers of romance,
companionship and pleasure — deserve certain inalienable rights when it
comes to charting the waters of the dating scene. Here they are:
You have the right to ask. If you meet a person of interest, you are free to ask him/her out. Sounds simple—but until you fully embrace this concept, you may hinder yourself socially. Asking someone out is not gender-exclusive (i.e., women can and should do it). And no one is out of your league (the worst he/she can say is no thanks). So unless the guy/girl you’ve got designs on is in a relationship or part of a celibate religious order, ask away!
You have the right to the jitters. Getting to know a new person can be nerve-wracking. Pre-date anxiety is so common, it’s a safe bet the person you’re sweating about seeing is doing the same about you. It’s all right to not only feel it, but admit it. Indeed, saying, “I’m a little nervous about tonight” can work as an icebreaker.
You have the right to punctuality. It’s a date, not a “stop by whenever…” open house. Expect to be met or picked up on time (so be ready or at the rendezvous spot on time), or called in advance if delays are unavoidable. Consider enacting a 15-minute rule. If a date is a quarter of an hour late, don’t wait!
You have the right to free speech. Yes, you want this person to like you, but that doesn’t mean you should alter your ideas or opinions to voice what you think your date wants to hear. Speak your mind! That said, make sure you encourage your date to speak freely, too. No one wants to hang out with a conversation hog.
You have the right to fun. Approach dating like a job interview, and a good time will not be had by all. While the impulse to ascertain someone’s long-term commitment potential is natural, it’s a bit self-defeating in the early stages of dating. Go on activity-oriented dates, where you can get a vibe about a person, as opposed to doing entirely talk-centric stuff that can make both of you feel scrutinized and squirmy. Think brief, planned encounters initially instead of random marathons. Keep conversations light on topics like shared interests (rather than delving into each other’s psyches and romantic histories right away).
You have the right to undivided attention. A date is by and large a one-on-one activity. It’s not about two people and a gadget. Or two people and all of his/her friends at the bar. If the individual you’re out with constantly checks email or takes cell phone calls — or is so distracted by others in the room that you feel ignored — end the date early and move on.
You have the right to bare arms—or long sleeves. Wear jeans and a T-shirt—or something fancier if it makes you feel more on top of your game. The point is: Dress comfortably for dates, donning an outfit you look good and feel good in. You’ll come off as confident—and be more naturally desirable. Of course, do aim to be occasion-appropriate (that slinky evening gown might not do for his backyard barbecue; shorts and a tank top won’t work for a candlelit dinner).
You have the right to kiss. Physical attraction is what makes dating different from other relationships. If you’re both feeling it, go for it! And that applies whether it’s date #1 or #10. There’s no set timetable. And if you’re feeling it but aren’t sure whether the other person is, you can always say, “I really want to kiss you right now,” and see what reaction you get. Just keep in mind that kissing can be a gateway display of affection—as things progress, be prepared for safe sex.
You have the right to follow-up. This is not only a right, it’s a courteous custom that nice people ascribe to. And somebody’s got to place the follow-up call/email. If you had an enjoyable time and would like to see this person again, don’t play games about how many days you’re “supposed” to wait, get in touch.
You have the right to cancel. If you’re having a crappy day, feel a cold coming on or get slammed with a project at work, it’s perfectly reasonable to contact your date the day of your plans, explain your situation, and ask for a rain check. However, canceling because something or someone better came along, while not a criminal offense, may be a karmic one.
You have the right to bow out (and break up). Occasionally, you may find yourself on a date from hell. Trust your gut on this, and cash in that “get out of date free” card. If the date is going badly (and especially if the person you’re with makes you feel at all uncomfortable or unsafe) you’re by no means obligated to see it through. The same applies to relationships that turn out to be not what you want. Don’t “hang in there” because you don’t wish to propagate hurt feelings. Be courteous, be quick—and get out! A “Thank you; I need to be going in a minute” on a first date or “It’s been nice getting to know you, but I don’t see our relationship progressing” after a couple of get-togethers should work well.
Nina Malkin is the author of An Unlikely Cat Lady: Feral Adventures in the Backyard Jungle.
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