It's Been A Long Time

It's been a long time since I've updated on this thing. I use myspace now mostly, but for all of those die hard xanga users, I suppose I should give a brief update to let you all know that I am alive and well.

Today, I am a little less than inspired. Just kind of one of those days when there's nothing that you are all together excited about but there's nothing to complain about either.

I live in Columbus, OH now. I was going to OSU for nursing under the pretense of wanting to go into medical missions. Until I had to honestly admit to myself this last month that I was only doing it for the money to be found in the american hospital, not for the passion of it. So... I dropped out. I am taking this quarter off to do a lot of soul searching before starting classes again in January. I have an idea of something I would love to do, but I get discouraged quite often. I have always thought it would be great to open coffee shops in other countries that were also local ministries in that community. I've heard of a few other organizations doing very similar things with coffee shops. But what major do I take? And how do I get there?

I live in a small, old, community in Columbus saturated by culture and art. I also work here, in a small independant coffee shop only a block from my tiny townhouse apartment. It's a beautiful area with all sorts of interenssting people.

I recently had a roommate move in, but I hardly see her. We really don't know each other at all.

In the relm of romance, I don't know what to say. I have been in a relationship with a man here for almost a year now. I prayed quite a bit before stepping into it, and at the time I felt like I was being led my God to go ahead with it. Now, however, I wonder if my antenna needed a little adjusting. The more we talk about serious things, the more I think we are not only on different pages about everything, but really in different books all together. The more we talk about serious things, the more we argue and unintentionally hurt each other, and the more reluctant we become to discuss serious things in the future. But silly me, I have a hard time giving up on people, relationships, and hope. Perhaps a hopeless romantic I guess. I always want to hold out in hopes of the relationship being redeemed after a long fight for it. But maybe, I just need to learn to let go.

With God, I have grown a lot, but also seem to always find myself in the same place with Him. Needing Him in all the same ways, and falling short in the same areas. I can never stray too far though. I can neglect my love for Him for only so long, before the string I attached myself to Him with gives a swift tug to let me know that the slack is all gone and it's time to come back to my true hearts desire.

That is all I know how to express today. I apologize that my words are heavy. It is simply that my heart is heavy today, and I don't all together know why.

Currently Listening One Cell In the Sea By A Fine Frenzy see related

Ok Guys, I'm planning on coming down on May 21-28, but I don't know if I can get those days off yet, so pray!!!! Pray hardcore, cuase I miss you guys like crazy!

I'm Tired Of Crieing Over This

God, why are You throwing so much at me in such a short amount of time?

I was so happy today, why are You breaking my heart now?

I guess when your heart comes alive, it doesn't just start feeling joy again, it starts feeling pain again too. Nothing happened. I hung out with 3 guys from church tonight. We went out to eat and got some food, but when I came home, I broke down as soon as I hit my driveway. I had no idea that I've been hiding all this away; ignoring that it was there. I don't regret the decision Steve and I made to end our relationship, but now that he's gone, I feel so alone. I guess I've felt that way for a long time now, but maybe being with Steve took my mind off of it. At least I could trick myself into thinking that someone really understood the depths of my heart and loved every inch of me. Not that I don't think Steve cared for me; I know he did, and I know he'd still do anything he could for me.

Steve never did anything wrong in our relationship, it's just that, I don't think we ever touched each others souls, ya know? I guess another part of being a woman is wanting to be romanced. The desire for a soul mate. You know, that kind of relationship that is so deep there are no words to describe it? Where you just have to look at the person and you can see straight to the deepest parts of their insides.

And then I stop and think, I'm just a silly girl. Love is only like that in the movies and guys would probably laugh at all this. I know that when guys get together they talk like "guys do." But when I sit and listen to men talking about this hot girl and that hot girl, I wonder. I wonder if I will ever be anything more to someone than just the hot girl that they got along with pretty well. But yet, I keep hoping. I keep thinking, maybe, maybe I'll find my Adam some day. And maybe, just maybe he'll look at me like Adam did when he first saw Eve. Oh how I long to mean that much to someone. I long to enchant his heart and mind. I long to be something he would fight for, and even die for. I long to be what inspires him. I long to be that thing that he looks at and can't help but worship God for how good He is.

I've only been privledged to hear a handful of men talk about the women they love in this manner. I've heard even a smaller amount of men talk about all women like this. These men really "got" what a woman was all about, and they treasured it. These men would never even think of saying a word about a woman that would reduce her to anything less than what she really was. They never used the word "hot." Not even in the presence of men. I don't know any of these men any more. I hope I meet one again someday. I pray I marry one someday.

You know what really breaks my heart? Us women have gotten so used to men seeing us in this way, that we begin to think that that's what they want. We begin to think that they don't really want to "feel the weight of who we are" or that they don't really want to deal with discovering all the mysteries of our hearts. So, we neatly fold them away, sometimes never to be revisited. To be honest, that's how I feel right now. I almost want to delete this whole thing and pretend like it doesn't matter; pretend like I never felt it, because all of this would scare a man away. The deep side of my heart has become something to be ashamed of, not something to be sought after...  I have become just another girl... only to be described as hot or ordinary. It makes me wanna go tanning, get breast implants, work out, get a nose job, grow my hair out, and get a tattoo on my forhead saying, "This is what you wanted wasn't it?" Trust me, this is not because I have some self confidence issue. That's not it at all. I know what I'm worth, it would just be nice to know that at least one man sees that worth as well.

In light of the fact that some people may read this (even though I don't think many people do), I feel like I should explain something. ::::: I AM NOT BASHING MEN:::::: I think men are amazing. If I didn't, I wouldn't want one so bad. I think God created men with so many incredible little details, and I do know some great men who show me Jesus in alot of ways.

What I am bashing is when men don't stop to think about how much power their words have. And I know women do it too, I think it's just as bad and we all need to stop. Especially if we call ourselves christians. All you have to do is read James (about the power of our words) and when the New Testiment tells us that no crude joking should come from us.

I mean think about it. When a woman hangs out with the guys, she shouldn't be treated like one of the guys. (psst... she's not a guy, she a warm-blooded woman) This doesn't mean that men need to feel uncomfortable like they can't be themselves, or relax around women. That would be no fun. But listening to these guys tonight made me never wanna hang out with a group of guys again. I just don't want to be around that kind of conversation. But even at that, even if they did talk respectfully in my presence. Is it ok for them to talk about us woman like that when we're aren't there? Is that really how they see us? I'm sorry guys, but I want more from you. I expect more from you, because I've seen men give off a picture of Jesus and purity in their conversations, even when they are just hanging out and goofing off.

Also, I don't want anyone to think that I don't trust God about all of this. I do, even when I am filled with doubt, I (ironically) simultaneaously trust Him completely. Even if I never find an Adam, I will ALWAYS have my God, and I know He loves me in every single way I need Him to. In fact, I think maybe that's why He's letting me feel all of this right now. Feeling completely unloved is forcing me to look to the only One who has never failed me. Without earthly romance, I am forced to search out God for romance.

So please don't think that I am angry or doubting God. These are just the thoughts of a woman who is very alone in this season of life................................

 Woman was never Created to be alone