| | Not sure if it's just me or what...but recently been feeling a bit more depressed than usual. Feels like all the bullshit I've dealt with in the past and thought I was over with is coming back all at once. Some of it I can deal with, a lot of it still hurts though, not quite sure how to get through it again. Hopefully not like before, but if it comes to that...can't be helped I guess. It did help to cut myself, but it did as much damage as it did good, from what I hear. I don't care what people want though...it's not their problem. I don't really feel like I have many people to turn to right now, so this is what it comes down to. Typing it out at 2 in the morning, hoping it'll dull the hate I've felt for years. But if the past repeats itself like so many people say, I'm in for one hell of a ride. All these feelings kept inside, I realize now the things I should have done in each instance...I always stepped back, let them eat at me....but had I dealt with the problem the right way maybe I wouldn't feel the way I do now. Maybe I don't want to change what I've done, but then I'm not so sure in the end...it feels like a never ending loop...and in the end I just want to end it all. It wouldn't hurt much, all I'd have to do is go into a quiet spot and convince myself it's for the better. Then I'd realize I would be hurting a small handful of people who know I'm alive and here and decide against it. I start to wonder if I really am crazy? Maybe I am insane? How the hell can I tell? Am I just supposed to wake up one day and say "there's those damn voices again, that does it...I'm nuts"? Why did he have to die..why couldn't he have survived? I'm sure if he were alive I wouldn't be like this. But then who am I to decide who should live and die. Why the hell should I matter? Why should my opinion make a difference in anything? It never has before, and it probably never will. All I can do for now is hope tommorrow doesn't hurt as bad...but that's wishful thinking again. Each day is what we make of it...wonder what I've made of my days...if in the end all of my efforts will matter. Or if I'll die and with it, all memory of me. If that's how it'll be, why do I bother living anymore? It's not like anyone benefits from me. No one knows me well enough to tell me they care if I live or die. I suppose that's the realization of it all...if anyone in your life cares that much, you're better off alive, if not, fuck life. No matter how I look at it though....I just want someone to come along and help me...I'm not sure how anyone could help me...but it'd be a whole hell of a lot better than hoping for death, and in the meantime, killing myself slowly with poisoned thoughts. If this is my fate, then I'd like a shot at the mother fucker who came up with it. I almost wonder why I didn't go back and shoot them all...they all said I was the kind of person who would do that...I'd almost hoped to get that desperate...but I never quite got there...didn't want to get in trouble all the goddamn time. My life is shit, and this is but a small record of the pain I feel, if you don't want to be here, get the fuck out, but do it while you can...if you ever reach my point, all you do is listen to the many voices of those who fucked you over, fucked with your emotions, and all you want to do is listen more...to feel more of the pain you felt back then...and that's all I want to do. I want to stay here forever and experience all I can, and go right back to needing hate. I want to let all the bastards and fuckers know how I feel now, I want them to all go through what I've felt, the bullshit I've been wading through. I want to watch them the whole while, laughing at their pain. I want to see them tear themselves apart in pain, to see their flesh tear and split where they cut themselves mindlessly. I want to know why he had to die...to know why he started all of this. I want to meet whoever was responsible and cut him open and let him scream...to destroy him physically and mentally..I want the pain to pour into him and tear him apart. I want to laugh while he struggles with it...I want to be there and watch him fall as I have. I want to ask him how it feels...and I want it to hurt. I want it to hurt him twice as much as it has me...I want to die.... |
| | Posted 11/17/2005 3:27 AM - 0 comments
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