Hamandcheese226's Xanga

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Wed, 24 May 2006 04:42:49 GMT

So many times I've wanted someone to vent at, I've begun to talk to myself more and more. As an affliction, I suppose depression isn't bad. I've learned things about myself that I haven't been able to figure out normally. I've learned I enjoy the feelings I have, I've learned that changing them is a bad thing, makes me feel dull inside. Like I have nothing to live for anymore. The pain is almost a flame that keeps me warm, company, as odd as that sounds to others. I enjoy hating others, it's a tool I can use often, as one would use tools to build a house or a bridge, I use hate, pain, fury almost, as tools to build myself a wall from the world and all of it's bullshit. I've tried talking to others about this discovery, almost began hurting myself again, but I remembered this is why I have my blog...to record my thoughts, to organize them in a fashion so I can find myself again when I get lost in dull happiness. When the world finds me again I'll have to smile and act like I feel good, like I'm happy...but if people were to find me it'd make depression much less effective. They'd try to treat me I suppose, find ways to conform me back to something they consider normal. I won't be normal, I won't feel happy...it's like dying inside...it's painful, in it's own way. I suppose this makes me slightly insane, but I'd like to think of myself as one of those who won't let humanity take it's toll on my way of being...living...expressing myself. Hate and pain...I enjoy them, and they won't be taken away from me, if I have to give them up I would be normal...and I guess growing up with that inside, now it's an ordinary way of feeling. The emotions known as hate and pain are known to create conflict within humanity and civilization, so people try to get rid of them...try to dull them. But it won't happen to me, if it creates conflict so be it. I'd rather die before I find myself subjected to that bullshit...all it is is a way to make people like them. They don't want anyone to know the other side of happiness, and the fact that happiness eventually creates hate shocks people to the core, so they choose to ignore it. It can't be one without the other, but if humanity believes so adamantly that it can, humanity is a joke. A lie, a cruel joke upon itself. A joke that creates no laughter, no happiness, only death in it's wake. It can't be easy to live like that...to know that all is well, to know nothing of the hate that others feel, the pain they live with. You all see it as something bad but it isn't, it creates an understanding of things that none of you can imagine. I only wish everyone could feel this way...it's almost empowering, to feel that you know something others can only dream of. Like a bad nightmare, eventually we're all going to wake up and realize we won't be ok, that our lives are nothing. We're like puppets of some tyrant, the way we grow up to discover our worlds aren't filled with the magic and joy we sworn were there not but moments ago. That we have to conform to someone else's way of thinking. We can't continue living like that...everyone needs to hate, to hurt, to wish that people would go away or die. To know this is an incredible feeling...a rush...I feel like things can go on now that I've realized my problems weren't problems at all. It was all the rat race that is humanity...all people everywhere should know this by now...living to die...that's all we do. There's nothing else to life but death. We can pretend we make a difference but it's all that bullshit again, and it's spoonfed to us since birth. We can't make a difference, we're all going to die and our legacy will be forgotten by everyone. It can't be that no one knows hate or pain, everyone does...to deny it is to deny that we are human. That we are alive at all depends on our ability to hate, to destroy, to hurt in ways that animals cannot. Those of you who say your god is going to save you all...it's not going to happen. Your god is nothing but lies, hope given by humanity. There is no hope, only darkness, only apathy. No one cares about you. No greater being wishes you well in all that you do. One things exists. The truth that is behind humanity. You say your god is caring, you say he loves. If he exists at all why has he never answered me before I came about this realization? Because he doesn't exist. He or she can't come to you when you're sad, can't save you from the wickedness that is born from humanity's existence. To all of you who think I'm going to hell because of the way I feel...deny me, come forward and prove he exists, I can prove he does not. If he SO loved his children, his bastard images of himself, then why does he not come at the call of one? You say he loves all of you, then I am not one of you? I am simply an outcast by default because only my prayer went unanswered? So be it, I don't give a fuck anymore. I've gone far past that line of thinking, and all of you are hypocrites...god won't spare you the truth, if he even does exist, he doesn't care. You're going to hurt until the day you die and it's going to hit you someday. You'll find that the way you've chosen is a dead end. You live to die, but I won't.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 03:27:25 GMT

Not sure if it's just me or what...but recently been feeling a bit more depressed than usual. Feels like all the bullshit I've dealt with in the past and thought I was over with is coming back all at once. Some of it I can deal with, a lot of it still hurts though, not quite sure how to get through it again. Hopefully not like before, but if it comes to that...can't be helped I guess. It did help to cut myself, but it did as much damage as it did good, from what I hear. I don't care what people want though...it's not their problem. I don't really feel like I have many people to turn to right now, so this is what it comes down to. Typing it out at 2 in the morning, hoping it'll dull the hate I've felt for years. But if the past repeats itself like so many people say, I'm in for one hell of a ride. All these feelings kept inside, I realize now the things I should have done in each instance...I always stepped back, let them eat at me....but had I dealt with the problem the right way maybe I wouldn't feel the way I do now. Maybe I don't want to change what I've done, but then I'm not so sure in the end...it feels like a never ending loop...and in the end I just want to end it all. It wouldn't hurt much, all I'd have to do is go into a quiet spot and convince myself it's for the better. Then I'd realize I would be hurting a small handful of people who know I'm alive and here and decide against it. I start to wonder if I really am crazy? Maybe I am insane? How the hell can I tell? Am I just supposed to wake up one day and say "there's those damn voices again, that does it...I'm nuts"? Why did he have to die..why couldn't he have survived? I'm sure if he were alive I wouldn't be like this. But then who am I to decide who should live and die. Why the hell should I matter? Why should my opinion make a difference in anything? It never has before, and it probably never will. All I can do for now is hope tommorrow doesn't hurt as bad...but that's wishful thinking again. Each day is what we make of it...wonder what I've made of my days...if in the end all of my efforts will matter. Or if I'll die and with it, all memory of me. If that's how it'll be, why do I bother living anymore? It's not like anyone benefits from me. No one knows me well enough to tell me they care if I live or die. I suppose that's the realization of it all...if anyone in your life cares that much, you're better off alive, if not, fuck life. No matter how I look at it though....I just want someone to come along and help me...I'm not sure how anyone could help me...but it'd be a whole hell of a lot better than hoping for death, and in the meantime, killing myself slowly with poisoned thoughts. If this is my fate, then I'd like a shot at the mother fucker who came up with it. I almost wonder why I didn't go back and shoot them all...they all said I was the kind of person who would do that...I'd almost hoped to get that desperate...but I never quite got there...didn't want to get in trouble all the goddamn time. My life is shit, and this is but a small record of the pain I feel, if you don't want to be here, get the fuck out, but do it while you can...if you ever reach my point, all you do is listen to the many voices of those who fucked you over, fucked with your emotions, and all you want to do is listen more...to feel more of the pain you felt back then...and that's all I want to do. I want to stay here forever and experience all I can, and go right back to needing hate. I want to let all the bastards and fuckers know how I feel now, I want them to all go through what I've felt, the bullshit I've been wading through. I want to watch them the whole while, laughing at their pain. I want to see them tear themselves apart in pain, to see their flesh tear and split where they cut themselves mindlessly. I want to know why he had to die...to know why he started all of this. I want to meet whoever was responsible and cut him open and let him scream...to destroy him physically and mentally..I want the pain to pour into him and tear him apart. I want to laugh while he struggles with it...I want to be there and watch him fall as I have. I want to ask him how it feels...and I want it to hurt. I want it to hurt him twice as much as it has me...I want to die....

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 20:58:31 GMT

Been thinking a bit...last post was a vent, had to get a few things out...still have things to be let out...but I suppose that's how inner demons work. Let a few out at a time...hope you can cope with them and get rid of them in time. Maybe I shouldn't let them build up like that...but if I let out at people I'll be just another asshole....not sure how to do it without hurting people.
Been watching R.O.D. the tv series...the guys who came up with the idea for that should be awarded...music's great, the plot's great, the action's great...not a lot of peoples' cup of coffee I guess but I enjoyed it. Should check it out if you like some of the anime on tv these days.
As for school...it's going pretty well. Think I've finally hit home on what I want to do...ITT Tech is great, in my opinion anyways. The teachers don't sit you down and yell at you all day. They actually interact with you, and sometimes they venture off course, giving them a bit of a personality. Glad I found out about it...who'd have thought there were degrees specifically for game design?
Guess I'll leave it at that, got other shit to do atm....I might post again, if I haven't pissed everyone off.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 03:50:57 GMT

Been awhile...guess I could try to post more...dunno if anyone bothers reading this thing or not. Supposed to be kinda like a journal I guess, giving a window into someone else's life...some people use 'em as a way to brag or boast about shit they didn't do but can say they did cuz hey who the fuck knows the difference. Guess I'm glad this is free, I hate typing this shit out. Would hate to pay for something I don't wanna do. To anyone who bothers reading this...I've given up on a lot of things...I gave up on things I used to enjoy...I hate people...I hate everyone...I just want to be left alone sometimes and not bothered with. I don't want people talking to me, I don't want to know how you've been, don't want to know what's new...I just want to get away from everyone...and I don't want to remember anything that's happened...

Friday, January 28, 2005

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 19:49:14 GMT

Well, moved to loa...lvling mage on dep seems like a shitty chore now. Plus I keep dying, which I understand is my own fault, but it doesn't help that I lose a fucking day or two of work. Decided that instead of selling the wds, I'd suggest to Bora he could give it to Riff, was up to him though. She seems like she's having a good time, so why not? Sayha's Bow is nuts...8 dmg on the bow alone O.o plus no arrows means no fucking stocking...so hope it helps at least kind of inspires you to start saving for one. Loa seems a server better suited to the needs of people who don't have the patience of a 200 year old man...I do have a tiny bit of patience lying around somewhere but I dun feel like pulling it out so...but anyways meeting a lot of old friends. Seems that's where all of dep has been migrating. Plus the 500-800 people on at one time is encouraging. It isn't lineage that's dying, it's the fucked up attitude of fucking NCKorea...since they pretty much say what happens on dep/ken, those damned koreans get to push all of us around. So anyways, enjoying myself on loa, name's Soulrequiem if you wanna stop by and stay for a bit. Gl to everyone on dep, and sorry for blowing up at you Riff, you didn't deserve it.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 03:23:20 GMT

Well, back to lineage...trying to get money, trying to get lvls, trying not to get my ass handed to me by tiny people...all in all, only got one even nearly accomplished...got SOME money but now I need 3m for rosc...broke as hell after the last few days. Hunting on fi or in ivory tower. Elane's broken the pledge up for stress reasons...can't say I blame her...but now Riff's on the recieving end of a bit of hell....seems Zef has a grudge towards her O.o dunno details but..hope she's gonna be ok. I died for about the 4th time this week earlier, couldn't find my venz key...now, for those of you who think you'd never do it, you may get a wild hair up your ass and decide to try it. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I scrambled for about 2 seconds ghasting myself, using counter magic, and everything BUT escaping. So down I go, back to .02%...pisses me off cuz I worked my ass off for that xp, and now I've gotta do it again. Not a huge problem, but now I'm looking for a job so I may not be able to play lineage as much as I'd like. Ah well...life sucks, you throw rocks at fat ppl, life goes on. Not much else to say other than hope everyone's having a decent day...yeah I mean you cocksuckers and assholes too...gotta have one or two in your fucked up lives I suppose.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Fri, 17 Dec 2004 05:33:24 GMT

Well, Christmas is coming up and I'm feeling like my good old angry ass self...hate people, hate my gma, and dammit I just hate stuff...I wanna join back on Lineage....but I dunno if I would be able to keep up with everyone...seems most of the ppl are hitting 50+ but it took me forever just to hit 48. Wonder if it's even worth trying...and if it is, will NC just fuck it up again? On a lighter note...or..not...depending on your outlook...I'm finally done with finals..now to get the shitty news of how poorly I did. I wanted to go into a graphic design field, but one for the computer, not in actual physical graphic design...I'm wondering if I'm even in the right fucking major sometimes. I wanna be a part of the games I play, but maybe I wouldn't do so great in that area O.o maybe I'd be better off in some shitty science major...ah well who knows. I'll figure it out someday. Hopefully it won't be too late by the time I figure out what I really wanna do. Seems now, more than ever, I miss my good old Lineage buddies...the ones who really cared...maybe that's why I could never stop playing...

Friday, October 29, 2004

Fri, 29 Oct 2004 04:05:35 GMT

Well, I'm back...been awhile since I posted, so I may as well start with the obvious: I quit Lineage and will never be back. I hate that game, and I hate trying to get high level. Seems the only way to get high leve is cheating/bot using/etc. Nc hates mages -.- Now I'm on Evercrack! Hooray! Now I'm actually having some fun, no pking, few assholes....and...get this...gm's who give a fuck what happens to your character and aren't all about money money money. Might go to Final Fantasy 11...depends on how soon I can get a credit card of my own. School is going ok, I dropped 2 classes so now I'm a part time student. Thinking of getting a job soon, and maybe even my driver's license...but anyways, mainly typing this out to let you guys know I'm still alive.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Wed, 18 Aug 2004 04:28:34 GMT

Goddammit
Just goddammit
How else to start out this entry? Aragahn's quit/got hacked, I've got to go to college in a few weeks, school's back. Depression shit is getting nuts, if I stop taking my meds I feel like shooting myself, need different meds -.o Life sucks, my gma's still a psycho bitch, needs to go to a fucking home for old ppl. My brother's still an ass, can't stop being fucking annoying. Has ADD or some stupid shit. Riff lost her bow, Bobby died at lvl 49, delvld, I got back to law and need another int ammy, tshirt, and 50 mp belt...been thinking about an hp belt instead cuz I could use the life. So what's good in life? Can't think of anything. Hope everyone else has a good rest of the day, I'm out, gonna sleep....

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 22:58:17 GMT

Just posting real quick to let Ara know I'm sorry for the previous entry, the idea of someone ripping Riff off really pisses me off, and I really am sorry for what happened :\ I got hacked once, but it was nowhere near as big as what happened to you >.< Hope everything goes ok for you in rl man :(