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| A Song For You.The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot: Brand New
If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand. I hope you find out what you want. I already know what I am. And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again. And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am. I'll grow old and start acting my age. I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate. A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone. And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget. If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state. You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way. And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out. It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room, when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds. So call it quits or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution. You just wanted to be missed. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget... You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins. Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.
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| So I Give Up.I've pretty much decided that xanga is meant to vent and express my feelings and Myspace is meant for my happy posts.
But I'm emotional right now so deal with it.
A few things I've officially decided today:
- Lindsey would do anything for me
- Jackie is amazing even though she constantly bitches and screams. But she's wonderful.
- Joey is my man. Always. He is my favorite Sterling guy. EVER. Because I love him.
- Matt and I are not doing well at all right now.
- And Morgan and I (our friendship) is officially over. For good. No exceptions.
- Brian is the best guy ever. He's the Barbers Hill Joey and he's amazing.
- And I'm going to move to Sterling with Jackie and were going to be in Stars so we can be near Fran. Because she's really hot. (joke)
- Andrea's still my best friend. And I miss her.
But yes. Matt and I are fighting. But at this very moment I'm really glad I have him and I want to hug him so much and just let him hold me because I just need someone to want to care for me. I'm so upset and so down but (and I know it sounds really proud) I am not going to back down because in my opinion what he did was wrong. And not so much what he did. But what he said. And the way he treats me during a fight. GRRR.
Tonight I had fun with Jackie and Joey alot of fun. I love them alot. And Jackie is awesome and Joey is amazing so its all good. Joey did really well at Stage Show and the Stars were amazing.
And Brian and Lindsey would do anything for me and I love them. And I had alot of fun with them today. Even with my break down.
And Morgan. Well I'm done with it. I'm just tired of it. And I just think we can't be friends. It just won't work. So I give up. And I give up on dedicating everything to our friendship and basically always being there for someone who won't be there for me. So its done and over with.
But I have to go spend time with Lindsey.
Love you guys (most of you).
Thank you for the rose Cindi! | | |
| Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.So basically I could rip someone's head off right now. My boyfriend forgot what FUCKING month I'm going to be gone. He was like..."You leave in July right?". Oh yes Matt but just a MONTH before that. Its driving me insane how someone so important to me can't remember when I'm leaving him for a month. I bet he's already forgot I'm going to San Francisco! Its like that one time he went away for the weekend and forgot to tell me. Oh way to fucking go. I bet he forgets to write me at camp. I'm so pissed off and its driving me insane. I can't believe he doesn't even know when I'm leaving and I'm constantly talking about it and what day and if he's coming to pick me up. It just hurts more than anything knowing that he didn't even know what month I was going to be gone. And it makes me think even more that he's not going to write me and that he's going to do stupid shit while I'm gone. I hope my camp trip doesn't change us. And if it does. Hopefully it'll be for the better I just don't know what to do anymore. Its like no matter how hard I try, nothing will ever be important enough for him. I mean he's basically the only person I expected to know and be sad about it. And he's not. He doesn't even care. And if he doesn't care about me leaving then I don't know what to say. I mean I know when he graduates. I know when all his softball games are. I know when he goes to explorers. I know and remember everything fucking important ass thing for him and he can't even remember that I'm leaving for a month. Oh wait, he can remember that I'm leaving but not when I'm going. It always seems like its just graduation thats important. 18 (school) days he tells me today. Oh well I'm glad he's counting down because its going to be pretty much one of the worst days EVER in my life. He can remember all of those days. But never remember anything important to me or for me or anything relating to me. I just don't get it. Someone give me some reason to this situation! I mean I know half of you reading this don't care and I know you guys don't see the problem but I'm leaving for a month (!) and Matt can't remember when I'm leaving. And I don't mean day. I don't care about him remembering the day. Or the time or the place or the name of the camp. I don't expect any of that. I do expect him to know that I leave in June though. I mean is that to much to ask? It must be. I just don't get it. Everything lately has been about him. His truck was stolen. I get that. They found it and its trashed. I get that. He made a 20 on his ACT and wanted a 22, and thinks SHSU won't accept him with it. I don't get that. I just don't get it sometimes. Things happen and I can understand being upset. But taking it out on me and our relationship and not telling me things, helps none. All I want is for him to be open with me and tell me things and confide in me. Does he? No. Because it feels like I'm never good enough for him and I'm just someone to be upset with when he's pissed. I mean I have feelings too. I have things that are important going on too. And lately its all about him and everything else involving him. And when I get pissed and have a bad day and I get mad at him. Its always "What did I do? (sarcastically)." ALWAYS, he never thinks he does anything wrong. And its not true and thats not right. I know I do things that are wrong and hurt him but he never thinks he does anything wrong. And its driving me freaking insane. I love Matt with all my heart. I really do. But this is my venting so deal with it. I just can't handle it sometimes.
I just don't know what to do anymore. It feels like the world's falling apart. It feels like no one cares half the time and it feels like I'm always being bitched at. By mom or Earl or my friends or Matt or anyone that feels like bitching at me. I just don't feel safe anymore when I'm like this. School's basically trying to kill me. Seriously English is the worst class I've ever taken. Never again will I let Davishall be my teacher. Moderately depressed? Probably. I think I am. I just can't wait to leave for camp and not have to worry about anyone or anything. The basis of my worries will be getting mail from actual friends and war canoe. I mean, is it to much to ask to be true to me? Is it? I don't get it. I think the foundation of all of this is a tie between Morgan's homecoming and Matt's graduation. Its so weird having Morgan back in my life and pretty soon Matt's going to be leaving alot of it. No more walking around in school, no more band trips, is just not fair. And Morgan being back is so normal but so different. I didn't ever expect him to come home and now he has and we hang out and its just odd. And now were not even hanging out so that shits going down the drain. So I don't know what's going on with me and him and I'd rather forget about all of it.
But Lindsey is basically amazing. I just wanted you all to know. She called me just to talk. And it made me feel better.
I love her.Yes I do.
And I still want to watch My Neighbor Totoro and I want to buy Tristan and Isolde.
Someone needs to come cheer me up.
I miss Lindsey and Andrea more than anything.
And I love Matt even though its hard sometimes.
And I'm not saying anything else about Morgan expect that I am now officially labeled "DOGG" as I was named it in my comment.
Thanks Morgan.
I love you guys,
El | | |
| Random Things
- I love Andrea Denise Kelley and she is my bestest friend.
- You are not as hot as you think you are. Yea you, reader.
- Lindsey Marie Antonini is my sister forever and always.
- Matt is the best person in my life right now and the love of my life.
- I want to cut off my hair.
- I want my truck now.
- I hate Barbers Hill and everyone in it.
- Kyle King picks his nose and eats his boogers.
- Algebra 2 is horrible without a teacher.
- Mrs. Moses is the best teacher ever.
- English is ruining my life.
- Davishall is making it a point to kill me grade wise.
- I hate keeping things from people.
- I want Ichibons.
- I don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore.
- Bo Bean will never read this : But he basically makes my day 148479283429 times better when he's around.
- Adam does the same.
- Jenay really does make me smile.
- Paige is the overall best.
- I love listening to Jackie talk. Theres always something to say around her.
- Joey is my man.
- Ryan Dauzat is my favorite person to make smile.
- I don't want to ever be alone.
- I cried last night because I'm so afraid of the dark and the lights went out.
- I'm afraid of leaving for camp.
- I just want to run away.
- I don't want to go to school anymore.
- I think we'll do horrible at contest tomorrow.
- I hate band people but love being in band.
- I don't think I'll be chosen as assistant drum major and I think it'll hurt.
- I go to McKenzie's myspace just to listen to her profile song.
- Sometimes I wish I could be someone different.
- I'm sick of playing happy about a situation I'm not.
- It feels like all Matt and I do anymore is fight.
- I hate it here.
- I'm making it a point to not mention Morgan in this blog.
- And I think I'm fat.
- I feel guilty everytime I eat (unless its at ichibons).
- I wonder how many people will actually read this.
- And I can't wait to go to camp.
- Even though I'm afraid everyone who says they will right me won't.
- I know alot of them won't.
- Hopefully just the few I really will miss will right.
- I can't wait till San Francisco.
- I don't think I can ever be happy when I'm in English class.
- Algebra 2 is pointless without Moses teaching because everyone just talks about pointless shit that will get them no where in life.
- I want to watch My Neighbor Totoro.
- But I have to do homework instead.
- I hope you all are having a better day than me.
Love.
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| Today I'm not afraid to admit I'm not ok with it.Today is different...
I don't look at you the same.
I don't look at you and say to myself 'I wish he'd love me' because this morning when I woke up, it just clicked...
Just like that.
I realized that you can never love me...
You won't let yourself.
But that's all on you, not me.
It was your decision, not mine.
So when you're thinking 'I wish she'd love me' remember that day when you told me that we'd never be anything more than friends. | | |
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