Hardrockergirl14's Xanga

its been awhile

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 20:36:31 GMT

Doctor:

“Tell me doctor, will this ever happen again?”
“I am sorry Miss Zaragoza, but I can’t answer that question.”
I am here in this room, I am stuck in this area with you. There is no where for me to go. My heart aches, and bleeds outside of my skin. What can I say? What can I do? “Tell me Doctor, will this happen again?”
Will I go crazy again? Will this mind of mine eat me up again. There a monster living under my bed and there nothing I can do about it. Do you fear of the dark? Do you smell the blood that is fresh in the air? Oh GOD its happening again. Here it comes again, the switch off. Here I am again stuck in this room again. I watch as my hands move for the kill. I watch as I see myself cover in blood. And yet there nothing for me to do. This heart of mine bleeds and aches outside of my skin. This mind is going on a ride with me and we don’t know who is driving at times. The car is moving faster, the blood is passing by faster. The smell of fresh blood is in the air, I am gone with the kill. Where have I gone? Who I have become? There a monster living under my mind, and I can’t kill it. It kills you. Oh god its happening again. “PLEASE DOCTOR HELP ME!” my body is moving from one wall to the next. The room is spinning around me, and the floor is moving. There is a aching in my head. I fall to the ground, unable to move and unable to see. Oh here it comes down again. Stuck in this room again, stuck with you again. I see myself walk out of the door, and just a small smile appears on her face. I can’t control it, I can’t kill it. I am going on a fast ride with my mind, and we don’t know who is driving at times. As I open the windows, everything is in a different color. I see myself moving faster along the outside of a house. The night is dark, and I smell fresh blood, still alive and still moving. Where to go? Oh god no. Here we go again. She moving in, and she moving fast. She grab him by the arm, she gabs him by the heart. Here it goes again, here is another kill. Switch back. Back to myself, back to my driving.
“Oh Doctor, you’re next”

Crazy Mind:
I can’t let this take me over. I won’t let this take me over. The darkness is kicking in, the air is getting thicker by the minute. It amazed me how much words I can take. It amazed me how much things I can handle. The world around me is spinning faster than ever and I can’t stop it. I am alone in this world of mine. I am alone in this hell of mine. Everything is moving, everything is turning around. Things are coming back at me. BAM! Another shot in the air, another hit in the mind. I can’t let these things take me over. I can’t let myself feel this. But its already too late. My blood is rushing, and I can feel in move under my skin. Making me want more and more, my heart beat is moving faster than ever before. This may be the last thing I see, this may be the last piece of hell. So many things rings in my ear, so many words flying right by me. Here is my true hell, here is where everything seem to hunt me and nothing moves on. Here is where everything jumps around. Under the darkness of the brown eyes, lay another world. This mind of mine is killing me and I don’t know how long I can last. My body no longer accepts the warmth of the sun, my body no longer accepts the rest of sleep, my body no longer accepts the energy of food. Everything disappear and I am no longer able to grab on the line. The fat women has sang and everything has end. My blood passing through my body starts to bleed through the skin on its own. My head is pounding with this knock and everything is spinning. Oh god no. Here I go again, back into my hell. Back into the world under the eyes. Back to the cell. Back to my crazy’s mind. BAM ANOTHER SHOT IN THE AIR, ANOTHER SHOT IN THE MIND. Everything stops... But it comes back. It will eat me up in less than a minute. It will get me, alone in this white room. Unable to touch and feel. Alone in this life. This mind of mine is crazy.
“Miss Zaragoza, how may I help you?”
“Kill my mind for me”

Red And Blue:
RED AND BLUE

Every time i see red words i think of you

Every time i see blue words i think of you too

Two different colors. both go with each other. put both of them in a room both will fight until one is dead.

red and blue. both two different colors both look good to go with each other both i have the same feelings for.both will do anything for me...

both have said " I love you" both have said "I'll do anything for you" both have said " I miss you " when i talk to them..both have talk to each both hate each other...

Me right in the middle.. i cant pick who to go with......i don't what to hurt no one feelings.. but i don't want red and blue to be fighting... i should leave them both but i know that will make them sad and i don't want to do that....

i don't no what to do but i don't want to hurt anyone...i no i need to do something before this get out of my hands.....

2 different colors red and blue both love me very much

i love them as much as they love me

don't know who to pick....but i need to do something before this get out of my hands

i find it funny....

Thu, 08 May 2008 02:06:30 GMT

how they have to read what you post before allowing it to be post.... thats new.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Wed, 07 May 2008 02:14:54 GMT

I find it funny how everything on Xanga changes beside the way you write your blogs. Just a little side note there. But beside that life is going pretty crappy but than again nothing is ever going so great for me.

People are starting to piss me off.... thats all i got to say....

Monday, November 19, 2007

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 06:26:10 GMT

As i sit here tonight. I wonder to myself if I am able to make it. If I am able to go beyond the "line" so much shit has been going on and I am not sure if I can make it. I get so upset with myself at times. I get so mad at myself. I wonder at time if I can really make it.
Or am I going to crash and burn like I always do?

Monday, September 24, 2007

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 05:04:06 GMT

I am strong? right? I think I am. I know I am. But why do I feel so weak? I know why... its the limits.... 7 more months thats all....

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 05:47:17 GMT

    So there has been a lot of things going on. I got down my college list and i am still on a job hunt. I also already found a few spots for my internship and i got some meetings/interviews added in. I am on top of most of my work and i am trying so hard not to fall down below. I am trying so hard to keep everything up. I am trying so hard to push myself no matter what. I am keeping everything out and keeping my mind on one thing. I am almost to my half way point for my permit. I can't wait. I am almost to the big 18. It amaze me how fast life can go, it amaze me how much can change. How much can go back... I am sleepy. I am dead... i found out today i am scared of my dad. I am scared that my feelings are going to get smash again. I am scared therefore i turn around to hate.
    My eyes... my mind.... everything....
I had some time before school to sit down and write something... i haven't had that in 2 years. Most of my writings comes from me sitting in my room... in 9th grd it use to be on the bus or just anywhere. I am starting to redo that again and i am enjoying it a lot. I don't have much time for myself anymore. Its kind of sad. But i am starting to make time for me again. I am starting to rebuild up my balance. My balance between me, friends, family, school and soon my work.
    "Men do you harm either because they fear you or because they hate you"
this is so true.

School Day.

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 18:35:36 GMT

So. I am at school with nothing to do. I just got done with my internship hunt and from the look of it i might end up with my old teacher from middle school. Which is pretty dam awesome becaise i enjoy having him as my history teacher in 7h grd. Now all i got to do is think about my project... I want to tie my internship with filming. But I am not sure. I don't know if i would want to film the class and film me teaching the class. Or if i want to film students doing their project. Or what if i want to film something with history. I don't know. Do something that is dealing with history? Like.. a history film or something. I am not fully sure. I think i would see what the kids are doing in his class and film it. Then tie it down with everything else. Kristen said i have to do something "big". She kind of piss me off because of the fact that she always is trying to tell me what to do. Which i am not fully sure if i would enjoy that.
I'll be back to finish this....
i never came back. Opps. Stuff got busy.... i got myself 3 other internship that i can be looking at. I still think being a ta down at apg is still pretty dam cool but at the sametime working with SNBC again could be so much better. Kind of suck i guess. I want to do both... i feel bad for saying no to the apg thing cause i think he really needs it. But oh well. Beside that i had pretty chill day.
Uh... i got done with my driving classes online and i just got the pink slip... i was thinking it was going to take much more longer but i guess i was wrong. Came within 2 days... thats like waw. So i am really dam happy. Now i am on the hunt for driving classes and my mom is giving me some issues about me taking it in the city. But the thing is that.. over here in richmond i don't really trust it. Not only that it just... i don't know... get me piss off sort of. But i still went against her will and got an interview set up on Friday. Beside that i still have to pick a few things up at the DMV. I believe.... i also got to drop in the money. EGh. so much dam work man. But i know i need to get it done now if not then my parents won't pay for any of these things once i hit the age of 18... which is... about 8 months away. GOD i can't wait. ^^
Anyway i got homework to do.
later

Monday, September 10, 2007

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 06:21:49 GMT

Ah. Another time another place. Yes very different. The last past few days have been more... of a revisits of places and times. As the year close up on me i start to think of everything i did in my past. All my good times and my bad times. All the times when i was at my high points and all the times when i was at my low points. All the times when life seam not to want me anymore and the times when life seam to love me. I sit here and i think. I know a few things will happen to me no matter what. I know my parents won't be with each other that long. I know im going have to college. I know i am going to die. I know i will always be with my mom. I know my dad and i won't get along as much anymore. I know the past will still hunt me and hurt me. I know i will get my random sadness out of no where. I know i would have to face the death of my grandparents soon. I want my grandparents to live forever. I want them to be with me until the day i die. But i know its not going to happen. I know i can't stop that. I know i will cry when i am alone. I know i will fight that. I know i will always be there for my mom. I know i will always help her when she down. I know i will be there when she leaves my dad. I know i will be there when she lose the 100 pounds of weight. I know i will be there when she doesn't want me there. I know i will be the one to take care of her. What i don't know is the time. Is when will all this happen? When will my past stop hunting me and hurting me? When will death come yet again into my life take people away from me? When will my sadness stop? When will my mom be happy? When will her dreams will come true? One thing my dad doesn't know... one thing my dad always overlook is that my mom is awesome and great. If we weren't going by how people look she can have any guy she want. Any guy. But people in today world only go by looks and money. Only go by the bullshit and these are the things that piss me off. No one will ever go for a fat lady, no matter what. She could be the nicest person in the world but no one will go for her. I'll be there when my mom leaves my dad for another guy who will make her dreams come true.
I see everyone up coming path... why can't i see my own? is a question i shall keep on asking.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 21:38:03 GMT

Man. I see everything very big. Dear life,
its starting to turn around.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 18:01:34 GMT

Oh god. I don't lmow how long this blog as been with me. My history is within this blog... within this xanga.

I do have to say right now everything is repicking it self up again. Everything is falling and everything is picking up again. I learn a lot this past summer, I learn a lot about myself and a lot about my actions.

But yet again. one thing that hasn't change. My mind.

I know i need some kind of pills to help me... but at the sametime i don't want to take them, I don't want to deal with them. I don't want to go back into 9th grd year for me. I just got to learn and fight against my mind... and keep myself safe.