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So i work 5-11:30 today.
Because I traded shifts for someone. Because no one else would. And I regret it.
First, because there are TWO birthdays i'm now missing.
Second, because I hate late day shifts
Third, because I didn't actually know it was past eleven till after...
I just sat inside all day watching The Office. I dont' even know how nice it is outside besides my computer saying 63 degrees.
I regret it.
Ugh. i hate days like this.
Jim, save me. I wanna work at Dunder Mifflin.
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chemical imbalance maybe.
hormones. well no, i mean, it's too much to be just that.
i dont' know.
i just find it incredibly odd, my emotions. How something like a frackin plant can make me smile so much sometimes. Or how a simple sentence can make me cry. or some little thing can cause me to overreact.
I hate when you look upset and then someone asks if you're ok. Like at work one day, i showed up crying for God knows what reason and i took a couple minutes in the back, came back when i was almost ok, and then people ask if' i'm ok, i start to cry again. i guess maybe cuz it's a reminder i'm not? but i have to be sometimes so i try. or like in Invisible Monsters, how the child hits it's head on the table and doesn't actually start to cry until the parents run to her to see if she's ok.
and no, i don't wanna talk about it when i'm upset. it's too difficult. but something i can do is reply to yes and no questions. When i lived at home and i was upset, my mom would come and ask me "Is it friends?" or "Is it boys?" or something and i'd shake or nod my head. And then "Are they being mean?" or "Is he being complicated?" Nod or shake.
ANdi don't like to talk about things that are wrong in person. cuz then i cry and it becomes a huge mess again. I can like.. only talk in writing or something.
if i could have just three things right now, they would be
1. no responsibilities (like summers were before we had jobs)
2. my fish to live forever
3. a peace lily.
that could be enough right now. i think.
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| It'd just be alot easier if the ability to think was gone.
Just from walking from one building to another, and it was enough to throw me over the edge.
I started thinking about how sensitive I am. I'm not just talking about how one slightly mean comment can send me spiraling, but I mean how happy I can get if I find that someone I've done or said made someone's day or even giggle. A real laugh too, not that "I'm giggling to make you feel better." And yeah, even though it can make me happy, I hate how much something stupid and small can make me tear up. It's just pathetic.
It's so hard to do this on my own. I can't. I can for a little bit but it doesn't work for the long run. And it makes it impossible to think ahead. I have to concentrate on getting through one day. I can't think about what I'm doing next week or even tomorrow.
There's this sticker that Tawny gave me on facebook. It says "To save time, I'd like you to know I'm utterly insane" and I think I'm realizing the reason now of why she sent it. I have this feeling that I should always let people know everything that's wrong so they understand, but it's bascially impossible to do that. They don't understand, I can't make them, it's not anyone's fault. And I have feelings of like "there's people worse off than I, this is stupid. Why should I be crying right now?" Well that doesn't help. And then I feel less important and somehow beg of people to let me know I am actually needed. I know it's stupid. I've tried to do it less. Say all you want that I'm stupid for thinking I'm not important. I already know that, and honestly, I'm sensitive so it's not helping when you lower my self esteem like that.
And after saying all of these things, I feel dumb for saying them.
It's just, this was all brought on after reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and all the things that Charlie went through, I can see happening to me or all the advice he was given can just as well be given to me. The only difference it seems is that people see him more innocent, and I'm just seen as naive for being depressed and I don't think it's fair.
I'm just tired of this all. And I hate to do this right before Kory's birthday, cuz he's one of the few that make me feel better without giving me crap.
If I miss it tomorrow, Happy birthday, Kory! I hope it's a good one for you :)
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| It's funny.
So the other day, i slipped on snow and fell on my butt, mostly the left side. It stills pains me. More recently, I slipped on ice, a tiny patch, which caused me to land on my back.
So now my neck, upper and lower back hurt along with the rest of my butt. It's pretty bad.
Anyway, I'm not so upset it happened. Amanda slipped on ice the other day and her hand got beat up a good one since she landed on cement and scraped it up.
Remember that friend I was just talking about? She recently tried hinting quite a bit she wanted to hang out last night. I was in pain and cranky so I didn't want to but i felt bad about missing this chance to. Later I found out she refused to hang out with someone she normally does. They begged her, but she begged me. Never saw that coming. I'm glad i did go though. We had fun. We also decided to go shopping today.
Now she's at work and I'm doing laundry while fighting with my boyfriend. I hate that word, but that's besides the point.
I don't know why I do half the shit I do, but when I try to think of why, it only makes things worse. So to sit and ask me why i'm doing this to you... well way to go to make things alot worse. I don't care what anyone says, I can't control depression. It's just too hard to fight sometimes so what else can i do but let it take over? It's not like I'm just hurting you, you just don't seem to realize how much it kills me.
(I made like two different points in that last paragraph, my bad)
I just feel like people don't realize how bad it is. I'm sorry, but sometimes taking a 30 minute break doesn't help at all.
Amanda and me were talking about relationships earlier. She recently broke up with her boyfriend because it seemed he wasn't very good at being one. Now he misses her like crazy. She's hurt too, but she doesn't want to have to change who he is so they can date again. It's not fair of her to do that.
And I guess that's kinda why I'm in a fight now. Just because I don't necessarily like the way you spend your life doesn't make it ok for me to change that for you.
I don't know, maybe some changes are good? It's just hard to tell.
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I think one of the main reasons I don't write like I used to is because things have gotten too personal to just share with everyone.
Like I feel like four different people sometimes, and I didn't used to be.
I was thinking about this friend. She admitted to having a low tolerance of people recently, which isn't a big suprise, it just shows, you know? Well nevertheless, I love her to death. When we first started hanging out together and whatnot, way back my junior, her senior year, I was more quiet than I am now. I found out as I progressed through high school, I started off quite and just gradually got louder. Anyway, way back when, she was a friend I just had. Like, it just happened. Which is great. But now I kinda find myself trying to live up to standards I believe she would have for me, and it's tough because I never used to have to do this. I probably don't even have to, but she's one of the smartest, helpful (even though she can be really tough on me) friends i have. Like she understands for the most part, which is hard for anyone else to do. She seems really popular too. Like everyone wants to be her friend. And I kinda try to hang out when I can, but we kinda are on different schedules now. Last summer, we were together alot, and i miss that. It was killing me for awhile when she had plans to move to another state.
I guess what I need to figure out is how to just be myself again so I can relax.
On the upside, I have a friend who I have been getting closer to since about the fall. And it's great! I love her, she's sweet, hilarious and fun. But i think we kinda lack things in common so that's kinda tough.
I have alot of friends, but it's hard keeping up with everyone. I'm ok with the sporadic comments every once in awhile though, since it shows there's no real loss then. I'm hoping things will change come summer. It'll hopefully be easier.
Today is one of those days where I was forced into a thinking situation, but also one of those days where I'm in a optimistic mood.
So... GOOD :)
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I adopted a cute lil' cow fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus! 