| | It'd just be alot easier if the ability to think was gone.
Just from walking from one building to another, and it was enough to throw me over the edge.
I started thinking about how sensitive I am. I'm not just talking about how one slightly mean comment can send me spiraling, but I mean how happy I can get if I find that someone I've done or said made someone's day or even giggle. A real laugh too, not that "I'm giggling to make you feel better." And yeah, even though it can make me happy, I hate how much something stupid and small can make me tear up. It's just pathetic.
It's so hard to do this on my own. I can't. I can for a little bit but it doesn't work for the long run. And it makes it impossible to think ahead. I have to concentrate on getting through one day. I can't think about what I'm doing next week or even tomorrow.
There's this sticker that Tawny gave me on facebook. It says "To save time, I'd like you to know I'm utterly insane" and I think I'm realizing the reason now of why she sent it. I have this feeling that I should always let people know everything that's wrong so they understand, but it's bascially impossible to do that. They don't understand, I can't make them, it's not anyone's fault. And I have feelings of like "there's people worse off than I, this is stupid. Why should I be crying right now?" Well that doesn't help. And then I feel less important and somehow beg of people to let me know I am actually needed. I know it's stupid. I've tried to do it less. Say all you want that I'm stupid for thinking I'm not important. I already know that, and honestly, I'm sensitive so it's not helping when you lower my self esteem like that.
And after saying all of these things, I feel dumb for saying them.
It's just, this was all brought on after reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and all the things that Charlie went through, I can see happening to me or all the advice he was given can just as well be given to me. The only difference it seems is that people see him more innocent, and I'm just seen as naive for being depressed and I don't think it's fair.
I'm just tired of this all. And I hate to do this right before Kory's birthday, cuz he's one of the few that make me feel better without giving me crap.
If I miss it tomorrow, Happy birthday, Kory! I hope it's a good one for you :)
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| | Posted 3/25/2008 2:56 PM - 3 comments
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