Latin Mama....

I know I don't write much - but I think a lot - today I have decided to write because I know at this very moment the stark difference between how I last felt when I wrote Jan 27th, and here 5 months later, I feel so different.  I think that is what keeps me alive, I honestly believe tomorrow will be better, if I ever give up on that belief then I will surely one day commit sucide.

So I write today because in general I had a good diverse week, and seven days are not over.  I love weeks like this, it started with such low expectations or worse still No expectations.  However, I have started to hang with these very diverse people by my pool.  They are honest and real, Linda can burp like a pig in front of everybody and it's ok.  Tomas loves to cook and struggles so hard with trying to perfect his English, and tries for some reason to teach me Spanish, I cannot remember asking him to do this - in fact I could care less if I learn Spanish, but for some reason I go along with him.  Tonight at some point I know I learned how to say "sit down" but have already forgotton any remint of how it might sound.  Some girl who is falling out of her bathing suit is talking about a sample study on "munching" which I have since learned means oral sex, there are levels apparently.  And there is this strange couple who just got back together - she is wacko and he is a slease - not sure why they are together but they are suited or desparate.  Then there is Jeff, gosh he must have the bluest eyes I have ever seen - and he loves with all his heart -   I can only hope someday he will break up with this new girlfriend and notice me.

So what was different this week,  I met David on Sunday by the pool - the most impressive man I have met so far in my life, a man of a unique nature, I don't believe I ever felt before that maybe I had wasted my brain a bit.  What a smart man and he is only 35 I will never forget meeting him, of all the men that cross my path, he has in two encounters made me question my waste of life, my personal limitations - and the potential I have if I wanted to exercise it but choose to be lazy instead!!!! What a mind he has.  I know there is so much he has told me and observed, but the one thing I won't forget is about George Bush not having left the country ever before becoming President - how sad is that - how possible is it we elected him!!!

And then there was today, a baby shower for Crystal - I hadn't been to a shower in a decade I am sure.  Here I was at a Mexican Baby Shower - it was amazing, not only was the food and drink awesome - but I so much enjoyed the whole Mexican family dynamics - the sense of family - all the babies -all the father's taking care of their kids - the women looking as well as they could - dressed to the nines - but with beautiful hair - I love how real they all are.  I love how genuinely nice and hospitable they are.

We were at the pool all day - David showed up too - it was awkward - but whatever - life is too short to analyze it.   It is what it is - NOTHING.

So we all decided to meet around the fire dressed to party by 9pm - and sure enough we all did - and car pooled to Acapulco in San Marcos. 

So the music and lights beated to the Spanish beat - Gosh I loved it - I enjoyed dancing with so many men - I liked the beat so much - what is it about that that wakens the soul within me.

And this is why I write today, I love the feeling of life - tonight I lived - this week I lived, and it makes me cherish true life -

So if for any reason the world felll off it axis tonight - I lived today - I felt life's pulse - I died content - I love real LIFE and if all I got was one day to experience it - then I am very lucky.

Good night deamons - tonight you cannot wipe the content grin off my face.

LOST - Jan 27 2007

I wonder when I look back at this in a year what a different life I might have then.  My life has been so full since landing on US soil.  It has been busy since day one.  This is the first time it has slowed down, the first time I feel ALONE.

It's hard to take really, I feel sad, I feel empty, I need a friend.

I have always had good friends, I have also had great times, I have been very lucky really even when life sucked I have been happy.

Now I am alone, I am sad, I feel empty inside.

I even cleaned out my car.

I thought about cleaning out the garage and putting some items on Craig's List - actually that was a good idea really but since I got my hair cut and styled yesterday I don't feel like breaking a sweat and ruining it!

I just went to the beach with a cup of hot chocolate - the ocean looked lovely as usual.

There are some things I am lucky about - I live in beautiful San Diego, I could call up at least 5 people and go do something but friends and acquaintances are two different things heck but at least I would be doing something.

It's only 1:06pm - it's a lovely day out - Ryan is gone to Legoland with a friend from school and Owen is gone with Jim to the Buick invitational Golf - I hope they get to see somebody interesting - it's a beautiful golf course.

Other than that, I had one of the best weeks of my career workwise - I should be happy about that.

Thursday nite sucked, I had had a couple of drinks after work - I hear my Mom in my head telling me that is problem number one... but it's not - then Adam, was so sweet - and he talked to me all the way home - which just made me open up and then I was crying - Adam what can I say - thanks for being there for me.

Adam and I got cut off - and I was alone in my apartment - I felt desparate - I called Michael downstairs - he was alone thank god and I invited myself down - he just listened - I am sure I bored him - but he listened. 

Then Friday rolled around - everybody has plans, I have none - I rented two movies - The Devil wears Prada - terrible movie - Jim had the kids - hadn't heard from Charlie at all!

Then Michael called and invited me down for dinner and a movie - I bet he felt sorry for me but it felt good to have somebody to hang with.  I had my first boxed maccroni and cheese and a tuna melt - with RELISH - I have never had relish - it was delicious - the dinner was great - he just got a new flat screen - it was awesome - almost 3D - but it was a good evening.

So now again, I am alone - at least Charlie called - but it is daytime - things could be worse - I should make a tuna melt - on that note I will sign out.... and hope that I can be FOUND soon.....

Starting over - Jan 7 07

Today was a tough day - I woke up with a long todo list.  I didn't have the boys - having had them the whole time in Ireland, I miss them right now when I don't have them.  It's been lonely too since I got back.  I am feeling the effects of not having my friend Paula now and since I haven't seen much of Charlie, and the fact that I miss my parents and family I have been real sad.  Every now and then I cry like I am as I write this, I wish my parents could come live by me, I am not sure if I could live in Dublin anymore, it's not the way it was when I left, without my parents there I probably wouldn't go back.  Maybe to see my brother Owen once in a while, but I think he will come see me more.  At least he says he will come - I have yet to see him here in San Diego.  I am feeling the limbo more so now than last time I went back, I guess I need to find new friends.  It's kind of hard to find a girlfriend, not even sure how I do that Paula has been my best friend for the last four years, how do you start over?

I guess I am heartbroken. 

I have a great relationship with my parents, I guess I am real lucky.  The only problem is I love them too much.  I wish I could have gone and seen them this weekend.  They say if I lived there I wouldn't see them as much, but I think I am at a point in my life as a woman that I crave the love of my parents, I like being around them, they are pretty neat people, sometimes a little too protective which would drive me crazy if I lived with them, but if I lived a few miles away I could visit and chat and soak them up.  The two weeks I was home just wasn't enough for me, I need to go home more often.  Sometimes I think that I can be a burden going home, not that they make me feel this way, but I am sure it's expensive for them having me around.  I am sure they eat different food when I am there, I know that for sure because they spoil me rotten, I bet they have the heat on more when I am there.  I miss them so much.  Tonight I hung up pictures of them, I have never hung a picture in my life, but I had to do this so that I can see them everytime I leave my bedroom.  They aren't even recent pictures - they are from 4 years ago I think.  I even went and bought my first tool, all the other tools I own have been given to me as gifts, but today I went to home depot and purchased a stud finder, the pictures are a little crocked (don't think I have ever written that word) I can't spell it!

Today was interesting too, Dad and I set up the computers so that we could communicate computer to computer for free - we just left them on - I had a webcam hooked up on my side, so he could see what I was doing - I put together a vacuum, which was real easy looking back on it - but I had a huge challenge with the screwdriver - finally I worked it out and the vacuum works great.  I also tried to paint Ryan's dresser - I couldn't get the crayon out.  I went to pick up the boys at Jim's and drop them at their friends house, when I came back to the appt it was nice that Dad was there on the other end of the computer - it almost made me cry - I said Dad are you there - and he was - I think I must be depressed or something - holiday blues Charlie called it. 

As for the week ahead - I know I am busy - will my job ever change now? I need to make money this next month otherwise I am screwed.

Well I guess I should sign off now, my first blog ending in tears not a good sign - should I make this private? I doubt anybody is reading me anyway.  I will probably lose it all as I don't know how to save it......

I wonder if this is my first and last blog....

5am