I just wanted to put a prayer request before you for our adoption situation. As you all are well aware of we have been trying to add to our family since October 2006. We have been through many failed attempts, but God has been good to us through them all. If nothing else I just feel like God loves us so much. The past grief has only cemented within my heart how blessed I am to have been given the opportunity to parent the four beautiful children God has entrusted to us. With that said… our hearts still feel that our home is ready for more children. However, all attempts have been exhausting, as we come against the many obstacles of already being a “large” family with four children.

Within the last week we have sent our homestudy to several social workers outside of our State, but all here in the US. I would ask you to pray with us that God would open the hearts of the social workers and see that although we are a “large” family that we have so much more to offer in a LARGER family! We need God to intervene and move beyond what we are capable of doing. Only God knows what all the objections are of these social workers. We have suspicions, but they are not our worries to carry. We have stepped out by faith and now we entrust our actions to the hands of God. Thy will be done….

Time is so fleeting. One day you can be moving along in life and then the next be gone. This has become so real to me in the last couple of years as I lost my Grandmother to cancer and now today as I grieve the loss of the very person who orchestrated both our Ukrainian adoptions, also because of cancer.

My Grandmother was the most selfless, giving person on this earth. She lived to serve others. Her hospitality was beyond anything I have ever seen in anyone else. She worked hard both in the store her and my Grandfather owned, as well as taking care of her family of five boys. Grammie, was a true sense of a virtuous women as in Proverbs 31.  She came to my rescue my entire life when others failed me. My wedding day was the dream of my life because of all she made, gave and sacrificed for me to be a princess for one day. Grammie always smiled and expected you to do so as well. She knew nothing in life was worth bringing you down. Her perseverance was honorable! I could go on typing pages of what my Grandmother meant to me! I miss her greatly. Without my Grammie there is a huge void that no one in the family can ever fill. Although, I will say due to her legacy we have tried hard to carry on the torch of her joyful service to others.

Mary helped hundreds of children to find their forever families. She saved so many children from the awful living conditions of orphanage life overseas. It has been told to me by my pediatrician that my Jared would have not made it to his fifth birthday had he remained in the orphanage. He was malnourished, starving and severely sick. It was also told to me that my Caleb would have been completely handicapped if he even lived. Those of you with any knowledge of premature birth can understand the sensitive nature of a child’s health when born premature. Then add in the fact that Caleb was never touched, barely moved and sat hours on end in his own feces and urine.  So much so that he had a bleeding yeast infection from his buttocks to the top of his head. It is a miracle of God alone that Caleb survived without the medical intervention that we have here in the United States for preemies. It’s a miracle that today all of my children are alive, healthy and happy. Mary was a huge part of making that miracle happen!

Mary will be greatly missed. My heart hurts tonight at the thought of the great loss the adoption community now has. Mary’s passion is hard to reproduce for sure! She was positive and joyful in the toughest circumstances. She persevered until the children were home safe with their forever families. I was offered several times in the last year to help more directly with adoptions, but I have always told them that I could not bring others through the adoption process with such grace as Mary always did. God gave her an amazing ability to make a huge difference in not only the lives of children, but also in the Kingdom of Heaven, as she helped bring so many children home into Christian families.

Losing these precious heroes of my life, I am left to ponder whether I am using my time here on earth as constructively as my Grandmother and Mary did? Am I living all for Jesus? Can I honestly lay my head on my pillow at night knowing that I have done what God had called me to do for that day? Can I know in my heart that I made, or tried to make, the difference in people’s lives each day? If I were to die today, first do I have the confidence that I would indeed be with our Heavenly Father, and second, would I be able to hear the words, “Well done good and faithful servant” when I meet God face to face?

The answers to the above questions are of utmost importance for any person to be contemplating, for we may not have a tomorrow.

(Right after I wrote this I found out we lost another dear friend Saturday, who supported our ministry, also to cancer.)

Well, we never made it to our World Mission’s Conference. Can’t say we didn’t try though! We were on the road on our way when Eric and I both became too sick to continue. It hit us quite suddenly. Thankfully Eric decided to turn back home because we found out the next morning that Phoebe had walking pneumonia! We are still trying to balance Jared’s three inhalers for his asthma as he weathers the nasty bug. Praying he doesn’t have to go on another round of prednisone. Looks like some of us may have had the real influenza? None of us were officially diagnosed, but the symptoms were pretty clear and the pneumonia is typical for a complication.

After spending several days shivering in bed I’m finally back on my feet again for the most part. We only did school in the morning today, as all the kids are still on the mend and needing to get back into routine after a busy holiday season.

We had a GREAT Christmas!!! Both our family and Eric’s brother’s family all went home to MIL’s for a wonderful Christmas together. We had all eight cousins together ages 1-10 years old.

Adoption wise we are now officially at the 90 days were the domestic agency (that we are w/and experienced a failed adoption) is willing to do a rematch when a birthmother desires to choose our family. We are kinda in a wait and see mode at this point. After two years of this I’m growing tired of waiting for THE call. Seems like we have had an awful time with false alarms if you know what I mean. I don’t know at some point we will need to move on, but we are going to give it a few more months before completely closing the door.

As I said in my last post I am picking up my Biblical studies again. Currently I’m studying the synoptic gospels. I’m working on reading the book of Mark. I wish I was more disciplined in studying. I really have a hard time now, with all of my responsibilities of the kids, house etc. to then focus on studying when all is quiet. I have this habit of trying to study and then I think of something that needs to be organized, cleaned or waste my time on the computer instead. I’m sure someone else can relate out there! If anything this is probably my New Year’s resolution. Keep faithful to my studies! =) I have always been a great starter (that would be the visionary in me!) but, not so great of a finisher. With that said… I need to get kids in bed and get ready to study.

Life has been either super busy, or we just needed the time for privacy.

Honestly, it’s been tough these past couple of months to keep moving on from our two years worth of failed adoptions. We still have no real conclusion on the recent domestic one. Our monies are still tied up with the agency for another few days. Even what we do get back is pocket change if we choose to end everything now. Major bummer! We also have to make the decision on whether we want to be re-matched or not. Some days I feel like enough is enough! I just want to enjoy every moment with the four kids God has blessed me with and no longer deal with adoption world. Other days it kills me to even think about giving up and having to weed the baby stuff out of the house. Our children still desire more siblings as well.  Of course, there are always other possibilities that we have looked into to grow our family. We are asking God for clear answers after the holidays when decisions must be made.

So, now you know why I didn’t just jump right in with sharing our family days, as I normally do here on xanga. We have all been going through a grieving process. It’s hard to open your heart up to the world and be transparent after something like a failed adoption. Especially when that failed adoption was not just a change of heart, but rather an out and out scam on the birthmother’s part. Pure betrayal. No, I’m not being bitter. It’s the fact! Everyone involved now knows that. I have chosen forgiveness and was given one miraculous moment to tell the birthmother so. God is good! =)

I have been personally journaling through my feelings as each emotion arises. It’s amazing how much nasty stuff can be purged from one’s heart after going through such a journey! I am thankful to the Lord that He loves me enough to correct, encourage and help me to be more like Him.

With that said… here are some things I am looking forward too….

Christmas in Maine this year!! We are getting all eight Grandchildren together at Eric’s Mom’s house. Should be a blast to have eight kiddos opening gifts under one tree!

The World Missions Summit conference is coming after Christmas! I can hardly wait!!! I hope to be able to do a lot of journaling for you all like I did the last time. We are taking seven students with us from the University. I am praying that God really speaks clearly in all of our lives. I am also praying my children are highly impacted. Last summit, I saw two of my children really being touched by God and the need to fulfill His great commission. To say the least, I can’t wait to see what God has for us!

Lastly, I am going back to school. I will be finishing my Biblical studies I started a loooong time ago prior marriage and kids. I had to stop when I became so sick with the disease that also caused my infertility. I have been putting this one goal off for a long time. I’m ready…  I have had my time of physical healing, as well as emotional healing from the trauma of it all. My children have come a long way from their beginning of life trauma as well in regards to attachment issues and developmental delays. Everyone is doing so well! God has blessed me with four beautiful children who are very excited to see Mama studying alongside of them too. Fortunately, I am able to do my studies from home for now, as I will be doing much of it online! This will not interfere with my parenting or homeschooling. Obviously, it will only add to our Mission’s work. =)

So, here’s hope for a wonderful Christmas, Missions Summit, and a New Year to come!

EDIT: Okay, this is really weird… after I clicked the post button the date jumped right out at me. The baby was born on Sept. 17th. So he is three months old exactly now when I wrote this. See how my mind unconsciously starts thinking about these things? Interesting. Grief is a very strange experience!

This evening, Chloe came flying down the stairs and around the corner and exclaims, “I look like Kimmy now!” With that outburst I quickly got up and grabbed the camera to capture her explanation to me on video. Below is why she thinks she looked like her cousin Kimmy.

Here’s a photo to really see what she was wearing. The video below is a little dark because I was using my regular digital camera without many lights on in the house. Now watch for the explanation…

Kimmy, this seriously was out of the blue! I have NO idea what made her think of you at this very moment with camping. Especially since we didn’t get together this summer to camp. The girl pays more attention to details than I think. lol All I know is that she was upstairs getting into her pajamas and cleaning her room. When she found her sunglasses, after cleaning up her mess, that is when she came flying down to make her announcement. So there you go… Chloe thinks you are a fashion statement at the campground and wants to be just like you.