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| Thanks to everyone who sent kind wishes and thoughts on the whole adoption thing. I think some people aren't really quite sure how to respond since it does mean giving up on the idea of a biological child, but I assure you, it's a good thing. That medical stuff is for the birds. I don't care what they say about modern medical advances, I'm sure that dye test I had done to test my fallopian tubes was really some form of medieval torture. Mark and I went to a conference that one of the agencies we're interested in did in our area and we really liked the people we met and the history of the organization. So we're still looking to move forward with that in February.
We went on a field trip today. Now, I say this with the greatest of affection but my kids are crazy. Totally insane. Please keep in mind that they've all been kicked out of public school because of behavioral issues and do not generally interact with other people well. Even taking the best behaved of them out in public is a dicey proposition. It's basically a wing and a prayer situation. At one point, an adorable little troop of 25-30 elementary age kids came marching by us. They were walking in a straight line, following all directions given to them, and quietly and politely listening to the docent who was with them. There were maybe 5 staff people with them. My group consisted of three adults and three students. That's right, a one-on-one ratio. At that moment, one was expressing his displeasure over not getting his way by literally climbing up the outside wall of the gift shop. One was galloping around in huge circles doing an eerily accurate but extremely loud and obnoxious impression of a sea otter. And one was screaming rather graphic and inappropriate remarks about two llamas who appeared to be mating. (I haven't seen that particular Animal Planet special but it did look pretty suspicious.) It was one of those days where I find myself thinking both "Man, I love my job" and "Lord, get me out of here as soon as possible," sometimes within seconds of each other. Every year about this time I start to think about finding another job, not because I hate where I am, but because it's tough, emotional work and I feel more and more burned out which isn't helped by being horribly underpaid and underappreciated.
But as the end of summer school approaches and kids I worked with start the process of moving onto new, better placements, it's hard not to feel like what I do is worth the hard days. Nate, a student I had during his first year in our program, is going back to public school in the fall which is HUGE. That's our goal with every kid but it's pretty rare for them to go straight from us to there. (There are a lot of reasons for this, but in a nutshell, our program is very restrictive and intense and going from that to the freedom of public school is usually too drastic a change.) He was a mess when he started. He was 13 and he threw temper tantrums like a four year old. He'd scream and knock things off his desk and pound his fists and kick his legs. He was always a nice, extremely smart kid, but he just didn't know how to handle certain emotions, frustration and anger particularly. But I look at him now, three years later, and it's really hard to remember that kid because he's come so far. I stopped by his class's table in the cafeteria a few mornings okay to tease another former student about Harry Potter. (Mitchell is still reading the book and I've been enjoying giving him fake spoilers. "I don't want to give away too much, but Dobby kills Voldemort. Have you gotten to the part where all the Weasleys die in the explosion? I couldn't believe Hermione grew up to be the new Minister of Magic!") Nathan said, "Go away, you're not wanted here!" I knew he was joking so I made a big show of slumping my shoulders, ducking my head, and trudging to my table and he screamed across the cafeteria, "Come back, I was just kidding! You're the best aide I've ever had!" I was gobsmacked because as much as I like Nate and as much as I thought he liked me, he's not an affectionate, emotive kid. He does not say stuff like, "You're the best aide I've ever had."
After school that day Jen, his current aide,. stopped me and said, "I just want to make sure you know Nate really meant what he said this morning."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah. At the end of the school year he said to me, 'You know, Jen, at the beginning of the year, I really didn't think I was going to like you very much. But I do. You're a pretty good aide.' And I was really touched and said, 'Aww, thanks, Nate.' And he responded with, 'But you're not as good as Heather.'"
Darn kids.
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| Did you miss me? Here's the rundown on the last few months.
- We went through a couple of artificial inseminations with no positive results. My body never even really responded the way the body ideally does before the insemination even took place. We were unpleasantly surprised to discover that our insurance didn't cover them or anything more serious than them so we ended up with a few hefty bills we weren't planning for on top of all the on-going frustration and sadness. To go on to more serious treatments would require thousands - potentionally tens of thousands - of dollars so we had to make a choice. Do we pursue treatment OR do we move ahead with adoption? Because if we pursued treatment and it doesn't work - and the odds weren't great, especially the first time out - there's no way we'd be able to afford adoption. (Those of you who can just get pregnant and let the insurance company pick up the tab have no idea how lucky you are.) So we're adopting and I have to say, it was the shortest infertility related conversation we've had during this whole process. It was basically, "This is hard and I'm really unhappy." "Then let's not do it anymore." There are certainly things about not having a biological child that disappoint us but I think it's more than safe to say that we're currently the happiest we've been about this situation in geez, three years or so. Infertility sucks and unless you've been through it, you have no idea how draining and difficult it is physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually and the second we decided to put it all aside, I felt so much better about everything. In the end we just want to be parents, you know?
- Still working the two jobs. It stinks, but it is accomplishing what it was supposed to which is the paying off of our credit card debt. We were at a standstill for a couple months when most of my extra pay was going to various medical places, but we're back on track and only a month or so off our original goal which was January. I keep hoping I'll get to cash out some Buffalo Sabres, but evidently I live in the wrong area of town. I did cash out Jim Lorenz, the Sabres color commentator, and Marshawn Lynch, the Bills number one draft pick this year. Lorenz was quiet but pleasant and Lynch was awesome. I really only knew who he was because I had to ID him and even though I didn't acknowlege in any way that I knew who he was, he was super friendly and talkative. Also very polite.
- The Teacher From Hell who I worked with this past year put in her resignation toward the end of the year, saying, "I just don't think this job is for me. I'm not sure I'm very good at it." Yeah, you were terrible at it, thanks for that. One of the other aides in our program who just finished her teaching degree took over for summer school and while it's only been one week, the change is unbelievable. The kids aren't entirely happy - they've gone from a teacher who was a wishy-washy pushover who would give them anything if they complained loud and long enough to someone who says what she means and then sticks by it – but there are already signs of them coming around and they do like Lea so that situation has remarkably improved.
- That said, I'm really feeling burned out big time. This year was a killer with me basicailly doing the work of two people trying extra hard to keep the kids in some semblance of a routine. I was hoping maybe two weeks off and a new teacher would help my frame of mind, but while there are little pockets of positivity, I'm really not enjoying the job on any consistent basis and haven't for a long time. Some of it was the teacher but there are also issues with the direction the agency is going and the severity of the kids we've been getting along with the never-ending conflict between classroom staff and those who don't work in the classrooms (administrators, counselors). I'm feeling like it might be time to move on although I have been saying that for a couple of years now and here I am still.
All right, I gotta run. I'm trying desperately to finish re-reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince before the last Harry Potter book comes out on Saturday. Just wanted everyone to know that I am still alive.
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| Grammar GuruA pat on the back for the first person who can tell me what's wrong with the following headline, taken from ESPN.com's NHL page:
WHO'S GOT ISSUES?
More later.
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| Three days of vacation for me! We were supposed to be off from school all week this week but because of the excessive amount of snow days we've had, we have to make up three days. We're losing the snow day built into the schedule in March and having school on Thursday and Friday. Kinda stinks but I don't really expect there to be a ton of kids in on those two days. Some of us might have inadvertently told the kids to stay home and enjoy the whole week. Inadvertently of course. I do have to work at Tops tomorrow and Wednesday but that's not a big deal. It's the day job I really need the break from.
I have to run to the doctor tomorrow for a blood test to make sure I'm clear to get started on the next cycle, but I'm going to try and go really early so it doesn't eat up my entire day. Other than that I'm going to sleep, read, and watch movies and TV. I'm currently reading Bill Bryson's The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid: A Memoir which is lovely. Sitting in the "to be read" pile: The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency and The Sunday Philosophy Club by Alexander McCall Smith, The Storekeeper's Daughter by Wanda E. Brunstetter, Mr. Murder by Dean Koontz, Castle Waiting by Linda Medley, and the long awaited The Innocent Man by John Grisham. I also have five issues of Mouse Guard to read. Kudos to my awesome comic book shop for getting those for me. In the "to be watched" pile are The Departed, Flags of our Fathers, and Half Nelson. I picked those up via Blockbuster's new Total Access deal for online members - so far a very cool thing. From the online portion of our membership I have Behind WWF Tough Enough, Winslow Boy, and Ken Burns' Baseball: Inning 1. If you're thinking that's a weird mix, you're right. I had Winslow Boy fairly high in my queue, but I have no idea where the other two came from. I've been getting a lot of stuff from the middle and bottom of my queue lately. I was kind of annoyed by that for a while, but I do enjoy the Total Access too much to go to a competitor, atleast for now. In additon to those I have to watch the first two episodes of the new Survivor (not really feeling it but I'll give it a shot) and the last two episodes of 24.
So yeah... That's my next three days. I do have another post half written but it's about The DaVinci Code and Harry Potter so don't get excited... I don't think it's very interesting.
Later, peeps. I'm off to relax.
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| I Heart Desmond
One Lost spoiler below:
I
remember when I first heard the season finale last year was going to be
about Desmond, I was kind of annoyed. We'd barely seen Desmond at that
point and we're going to end the season with him? But I love him so
much and I'm totally invested in his relationship with Penny. I just
want those two crazy kids to live happily ever after. (It doesn't hurt
that Henry Ian Cusick is completely adorable and speaks with a Scottish
brogue.) And man, was it good to see an episode with no Jack, Kate, or
Sawyer. The stuff with the Others is interesting, but I was getting
really tired of looking at those three. I'm a little disappointed that
we're going back to them so quickly. And on top of that, an inevitable
death for Charlie? Woo-hoo!
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