©Topical Twosomes© 

Adam and Eve

oReally don't understand why people think that Feminism began in the 60’s.Eve was the first woman ever and that bitch was defiant from the beginning.  She was pissed off 'cause Adam was messing with Steve.

Cleopatra and Marc Antony

oUm, weren't all the Greek and Roman men all gay back then?Is that what kind of “snake” killed her?

Romeo and Juliet

oStupid kids.I mean seriously, they were 14!If I killed myself over the boyfriend I had when I was 14 then I deserved to die.

Mister and Missus Claus

oPoor Missus Claus, her sterility must be really hard to handle with all those pseudo children running around.

Scarlett and Rhett

oSooo never understood this one.I mean Clark Gable? EW!!!

Bonnie and Clyde

oNever seen Faye Dunaway look so good. And oh my god, the clothes!!!

Mike and Carol

oYou think Carol really knew and that’s why she was screwing Greg?

Marge and Homer (My favorite on the list.)

oMost patient wife EVER.The husband being the epitome of a man with good intentions.

Ross and Rachel

oBleh, I hated Rachel when they were together.  Ross is a tool, (though "Pih-VET!" is one of the funniest line reads I've ever heard.

And making their debut October 31, 2003… 

©Jesus and Little Bo Peep©

Avast Ye Scurvy Arses!!!

So I’ve come back from arrr hearty feast celebrating the 8^th Annual, Talk Like a Pirate Day.  We indulged by imbibing on the fine ale ye landlubbers like to call Pabst Blue Ribbon. 

Since we left the bar, I’ve been sucking on either my thumb or any of my various digits. Arrrr!  This wench be sucking a good one. 

Other ways I’ve celebrated this auspicious occasion:

• The tank top I’m wearing is striped
• I’m wearing hoop earrings
• I’ve been keeping one eye shut while glaring at co-workers
• I polished my hook

 So… 

I’m packing up a box of office supplies for some of our co-workers.  They’re the first to move to our new office in the OC…bitch.  They get some pens, manila folders, paper clips, etc.  I decided they would like a pair of scissors.  I grab a pair, head towards the room where I’m making up their little care package when inspiration struck.  I started running.  ("I was runn-ning!")  I made a lap around the office.  Jill missed the spectacle.  She asked if I was running fast and dangerously.  I would describe it as more of a dangerous prance.  My delighted laughter prevented me from hitting any higher speed.  That’s just how I do it.  I don’t bungee jump, skydive, I don’t need to go on Fear Factor.  No "extreme" sports for this girl.  I run with scissors.  

It’s just sad.  I amuse myself so easily with clichés and cornball humor.  Yesterday, a co-worker passed by on his way to lunch.  I asked him what he would be getting to eat.  He replied with, “I don’t really know.  I feel like a salad.”  My response, “Funny, you don’t look like one.”   

I was so amused by myself that I IM’d Dan and Jill about our exchange.  After that, I was still chuckling for a good half hour.  Help…

Currently Playing Hail To The Thief Radiohead see related

 SOMETHING ABOUT… 

My ass.  It’s horrible, but for some reason, I am absolutely mesmerized by my ass.  There is a wall of mirrors in my office building on the way to the elevator banks.  I cannot help but stare at my ass the whole time I walk there.  Y’all thought I was kidding when I put in my profile that I’m constantly checking my reflection.  I don’t know what it is.  Is it vanity?  Is it self-consciousness? 

The odd part is that I ONLY look at my ass.  I don’t check my hair.  Not the make-up, just the ass.  I don’t know if it’s because I think it looks great or if I’m worried about it.  Sure it’s nice and round now, but I’m not going to be 25 forever.  And I’m one of those people that complain about getting fat, who doesn’t do anything to change.  I don’t eat better; I don’t exercise.  Sometimes I’ll get a bug up and try to eat less, but my love of food prevents me from keeping up that pretense for too long.  I don’t want cable; I just want the food network. 

Currently Playing In Utero Nirvana see related

 YOU LIKEY?

If y’all couldn’t tell, helladope is now brought to you by DEADSTAR.  It was his oh so seductive way to get me to start writing again.  I sincerely do not know how to express my gratitude.  I already promised my firstborn to the lovelies who bought my premium.  Though there was mention of wanting to have his babies after I got a gander at my page.  He was totally right, but alas, our firstborn will not be staying with us L 

So now I have this enormous pressure of writing entries worthy of my beautiful new page… 

THE CASE OF THE DISAPPEARING PANTIES

Last night an old man named Carwash decided to bring me down a few pegs.  First, he took it upon himself to let me know that I was too skinny and should get something to eat.  Then he proceeded to add further insults in when he guessed my age to be 30.  Okay, I’m not saying that 30 is old; but when you’re 25 with a 21 year old boyfriend, you’re kinda’ paranoid.  The night progressed with Jill and I beating Dan and the lazy eyed (but very nice) stranger at pool.  My stomach full of nothing but donuts, peanuts and diet coke; I downed 3 PBR’s, a dirty nazi, an Alaskan snowshoe and (as I was informed the next morning by my coworker) an amaretto sour.  I was under the impression that I only had the 2 beers and 1 shot.  Next thing I know I’m waking up on Dan’s couch.  I get in my car.   Wonder what that weird smell is?  I get home, put my purse on the table and think to myself, “Hmm, feels like I don’t have any underwear on.”  I go to my room, pull off my pants and “Ta da!”  No panties.  Basically shrug it off.  Wake up the next morning, walk to my car and notice the vomit streaks on the passenger side of my car.   

Dan’s recap of the night:

“…oh man so right when we get in the car you say that you want to puke. so i start driving down the ramp really fast so that you would puke in the parking garage and not on the street where we would get pulled over… so right when we hit the gate you start puking right in front of the attendant, all i could say to the guy was , evening , nice weather were having tonight…you should’ve seen the faces of the people on the street when we passed by, you had your head out the window just like all, “BLEHHHHHH” and they were just mortified…so I go to your side of the car to get you out and you fall right out onto the curb, you said, ‘Just leave me here’…I had to carry you up and right when I set you down on my couch you fell right off…one eye was like rolled in the back of your head and the other eye was kind of open,  I knew you didn’t have anything to eat all day but you kept puking, I was so worried I checked your pulse…” 

Neither Jill nor Dan knows what happened to my unmentionable.  They’re probably on the floor of House of Hayden.  The weird thing is my pants were all buckled up and fine, like I magically ripped off my undies from out of my pants.

Thanks again Bryan, YOU ARE THE BEST!