HerBeautifulSuicide
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Interests: Anorexia, Alcohol, Cigarettes, Coffee, Depression, Diet Pepsi, & Music
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Member Since: 6/23/2005

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Friday, December 30, 2005

Currently Watching
Garden State
By Natalie Portman, Peter Sarsgaard
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I hate not knowing what people are thinking. I hate not seeing what others see in me. I want to look through someone else's eyes at myself. Am I pretty? Am I skinny? Or am I ugly and fat? Am I annoying to hang out with or am I the life of the party? I honestly have no idea....I just wish he would open up a little bit. I would like to open up his mind and read his thoughts.

NEW YEARS is coming up...what's there to do? I'm hoping my friend and I will find a good place to get absolutley trashed and then we can go off, acting like sluts and have some good hookups. hahaha

I've lost about 6 pounds eating healthy these past 2 weeks. I just want to keep getting smaller and smaller and smaller...

Alright, I'm off to go get ready for work, and then to hopefully get trashed tonight? hah, wish me luck cause this town is boringgggg.

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Sunday, December 25, 2005

shit, i think i'm finally happy again?
it's hard to know what to do with myself when i'm content with my life, but all i know is i like it and i don't want it to slip away again

i got my second chance with him, and i'm really hoping it works out this time. he's just so nice, i want him to get the right impression of me.

my christmas was wonderful, and i hope everyone else had a wonderful christmas or a very happy holiday season. i realized that i do love my family, i can't blame them for my problems and that i am only young once so i am going to enjoy it.

the other day i was at the lowest weight i've been at since my weight gain and it felt so damn good. i think i'm going to try and keep losing, but not torture myself

it feels so good to be happy again, i'm glad that i have turned my life around and pulled myself from my hole of depression by myself. i feel capable of doing anything else for myself.

i allowed myself to eat guilt free today and i am well aware that i will wake up a couple pounds heavier tomorrow but to me, that doesn't mean a thing right now. i am glad to just be feeling content with myself right now.

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Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here


Saturday, December 17, 2005

You write such pretty words, but life's no story book...

I'll update later.
I am alive
and ready
to enjoy
life
on my
own terms.


Wednesday, December 07, 2005

What the hell am I doing here?

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When you were here before,
couldn't look you in the eye.
You're just like an angel,
your skin makes me cry.
You float like a feather,
in a beautiful world.
I wish I was special,
you're so fucking special.
But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around

You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

 

 

Can't we all relate?

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I keep telling myself "tomorrow's gonna be different" but when I wake up in the morning feeling like shit, I can't stop myself from making it the exact same way every other day is. People are mad, people are distant, people are losing interest.

Is it time? Is it time to let go and let this disease really take control over me?

Should I just give in?


Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Crash

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It's a backwards attraction to your forward eyes
But you're so far-sighted that you can't place trust
In what or who you recognize
We sped the plymouth cross the banks of the mississippi river
Mary timony was smaller then a super ball...
Chitter-chatter all these secrets started giving me the shivers
Plain and simply broken down near olympia
I think your bruise was understanded,
'cause you can't feel this anymore
It's getting bluer and you can't keep faking
That you can't feel this anymore

 

 

 

 

Where are you? We've lost each other and it's starting to hurt...



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