why am i so angry? all day. all yesterday. I left rehab pissy as shit. all i wanted to do was sleep. all day. i wanna be tranquilized. like will ferrel. horse tranquilizer straight to the jugular. please.

I am really really really angry. my biggest fear is becoming who i was again, hitting walls, car roofs, fucking up my knuckles, fucking up my phone, walls, slamming doors. thats ugly. thats no longer me but i am deathly afraid it still is me. but why am i so fucking angry in the first place? where does it come from?

so I hung out with Aku, aka indian dr phil, and he is my male version of Tara. huh, guess where I ran into him again after years of not seeing him? the gym. of course. where i met tara. so anyway, they tell me the same things. both emphasize LOVE. and I need that emphasis in my life. i fear it. like a cat fears water. he helps me realize that which could possibly be the reasons behind my anxiety, anger & insecurity. even Tara today had to yell at me a little bit cuz i was being such a bitch. this is bad.
poor jason, ive been pissy with him yesterday & today. all week ive been trying to see him, and its weird when we've established that we "like" each other. i honestly thought this was just going to be a nice fuck for a while, but he's trying to be a little close, unless he likes being close to his bed buddies. . .which is weird. all i wanna do is run. ive hurt boys in the past. and kinda bad too. but i cant really recall a reason why. but its been that way, even in high school.maybe cuz ive been rejected so much? i mean cmon, i have a fucking scar on my shoulder from jumping out of the moving car, after i threw my favorite pair of heels out the window so stevo wouldnt drive me home. i was 5 miles from home. i wanted to walk. yeah right. but instead of him handling the situation like I needed him too, he did what he thought was right. i kept trying to run, he kept trying to pull me back in the car. neighbors thought i was getting abused so the cops came. what he shouldve done was let me walk off till my beligerent ass realized i needed the ride home. he needed to let me just storm off, sit in the car & watch me walk for a while. then when i gave up he couldve come up & i wouldve surrendered.
j knows how to handle me so far. i dont really know too much about him. i feel bad for not asking, but that goes back to me fearing intimacy and love. i figure he can know me, and walk away like he should. that way i dont have to know him, get attached & possibly get hurt. mom breakin my heart was bad enough, i dont need some random ass boy to do it too. so stupid. but ive been hurting boys since before mom broke me. so what gives?

talking to aku, i was realizing that i have been rejected a lot in my life. when i was real young, it didnt matter what i did, i was still a punk. in school, it didnt matter how good i did, to my family & my classmates, i was weird and a punk. softball i had to work my ass off only to finally have my shot in the very very end to show how good i really was. no one saw the work i had put in. ok not no one, but the ones in charge didnt see. and no matter what i did, mom hated me. i wasnt good enough for her. my face was disgusting and i was fat. and i was stupid and made poor boy choices. well no shit. maybe if someone showed a little love every now & then. . . and i pick boys as a self-reflection. . .even w j, hes awesome so far. no guy has presented the kind of confidence & wisdom that he has. omg soooo hot. but hes got a kid. like hes perfect buuuut. just like im perfect buuuuut... crazy.

ive been smoking cigs (bought them monday, smoked like 4 since then) and drinking wine. no weed tho. but damn me if i become an alki. i dont think i ever could tho, i have tried before and my body just does not like it.

this shit sucks

im angry as fuck

im angry

as fuck

angry

herrrrrrrrra angry

as fuck

im pissed that im in a room full of ex junkies whove lost their kids, family, jobs, lives over alcohol, meth, whatev. i dont know if i buy into the whole "this is a disease which i have no power over" fuck that. i make bad choices. i choose not to feel. cuz feeling  SUCKS ASS. I HATE FEELING. growing up i wasnt allowed to feel. if i cried i was being a baby. if i was angry i was being a baby. well then what the fuck.
Im pissed that im intelligent as hell but i cant stop the smoking. im weak as fuck. im weak. im pissed im too weak. i havent gotten in trouble yet,but damn what i could lose should i get caught. i will seriously lose my life. my life. no joke. everything i live for will be stripped from me if i get caught smoking a fucking plant. a goddamned plant!!! IM WEAK. IM FUCKING WEAK. FUCK THAT. IM FUCKING PATHETIC. IN A ROOM FULL OF cutters!!!!!!!!!!!! people who have no one in their lives to love them, STRANGERS FUCKING LOVE ME and i still hate myself.

ITS NOT A FUCKING DISEASE. ITS WEAKNESS OF SOUL AND HEART. ITS WEAKNESS OF CHARACTER. NOT A GODDAMNED DISEASE. we may be genetically dispositioned, but it wont show unless we let it.

im an asshole for thinking i am so high and mighty compared to these people but the truth of the matter is, im not. im not any motherfucking better. IM JUST AS PATHETIC.

ok but i am frustrated with the lack of structure in these groups. i dont have the alcoholics anonymous book they read from in the morning. what fucking 12 step program?! i need a sponsor?! for what?! I NEED HELP MOTHERFUCKERS. IM ANGRY. I HATE ME. HELP ME. THATS WHY IM HERE. THATS WHY I GIVE YOU MY MONEY. THATS WHY I DRIVE HERE EVERYMORNING. i started smoking cigs!!! eewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!

why do i loathe myself so much. whats wrong with me!? IM SO ANGRY. I DONT WANT TO BE ANGRY ANYMORE. HELP ME.

what do you do when you find out a key piece of information that completely changes your perspective on events that have transpired over the last few years? Im sad Im confused Im angry Im sad and helpless. what to do. . .

Before I received the bad news, I was having the greatest day ever. Im going to rehab tomorrow. I met an ADA lawyer who was born with CP and when Im back I get to work with him once a week. He movin around by the bank in his wheelchair friday afternoon. I asked if he needed any help. I called a cab for him and we talked for 30 minutes while we waited for the cab. He reminded me of my purpose in life. Turns out, I reminded him of who he was. He had forgotten how great life was for 3 years now. I too have forgotten for the last 3 years. Fate is such a beautiful, beautiful thing.

 I met a really cool guy a week ago, on a day when I found myself lost . Hes hot, calls me out [and is actually right] which makes him that much hotter. Yet another person to remind of my purpose.

see ya

I want to become the kind of person who's vibes influence those of those in my presence. This may sound all very cocky and high & mighty, but I'm serious. This is the person I want to become. I want the vibe & feel I give off as me being this great huge entity of stability & powerfully positive & calming vibes. I want my presence to make others at ease & hav them know without knowing that I am there to help and now that I am there, they know everything will be ok. I want to give off strength & courage. maybe i cant really describe it but i can see it in my mind the effect i want to have.

i will  continue this, but i have to do homework that Ive been super procrastinating on. so gay.

SEE YA!!!

ok i have to have this written down permanently somewhere. this is my reminder. ok so i "quit" for a whole week. wow. the pathetic irony: i spent more on trees in january than I had when i was smoking every night last nov- dec. really tho? wtf sheena! i quit the day b4 school started. spent a week being ok with staying up till 1 or 2am. then i decided to purchase. ok im currently looking back at the past few weeks to really see how much ive spent this month. . .not even at stockton yet, but holy crap. i am really bad. like this is bad. not good.
if i assume $20/day since new years, $140. $60 on the 8th, which was burned by the 13th. $200. i stopped 14th till i believe the 23rd, on which afternoon i took an adderall. so i wanted to make sure id have a way to fall asleep. I bought a rx of rozerem too, i paid for it. screw insurance! im not trying ambien. no way man. ok so anyway, thats what got me back on the train. the more rx the more u need. ok so then i paid $25 that time, then on the 27th i picked up another dub. so tally that shiet up $245. yeah. not to mention at least $1/swisher. so maybe more like $255.
yeah. lets absorb that. let that marinate. sheena. lets accept the truth here. feb 3 $40. from lb. yeah. guess what. im 1/2 a blunt from out. id blame the adderall, but lets be real here. its easier to say no when im not indulging amphetamine salts.
ok so the other side of it, this is what my half-assed justifications included:
well in stockton, i was in stockton. and having a rough time with myself.
01/08: let me just enjoy this week.
01/13: after a session w a counselor who asked me if i was familiar w aa, that kinda did it for me, at least for the moment. this aint no disease that i have succumbed to. this is me being weak and afraid. and i really just like smoking but i hate cigs. i continue to inhale and exhale with that heaving sick cough, cuz i was sick. lol. but yeah, i continued to further hurt my injured lungs. wtf? for what? I mean, i can easily lean on the excuse that ive been thru some shit over the last few years and this has been the one stable reliable source of comfort and escape from feeling. but thats all over now, ive got the world at my fingertips and im letting others actions keep me down. so i stopped after i finished the bleezy. i think i wanted to go to the beach that day, but i dont know if i did or not.
01/23: took adderall cuz we got out at 2 so i wanted to make sure id sleep.
01/27: ran out. that so wasnt a dub. "wait i thought you quit" Bender. and ive been cuddling thru the night a few nights a week and i feel bad when i dont fall asleep right away cuz im so restless.
I CANT EVEN REMEMBER WHICH DAYS I ACTUALLY TOOK ADDERALL.
ITS ONLY BEEN 3 WEEKS!!!
i know i took it the 21, 23, 27?, 30, 2, 7 [35mg over 12hr period],8 [12mg over 2hr].

not to mention how terribly gluttonous i am when on add + mj. wow. i did a little grocery shopping yesterday. so both the cheeze-itz & wheat thins are only a handful each away from gone. and the ice cream is almost gone too. omg man. i lose all ability to control impulses. totally eating even when im not hungry. wtf. and i dont really wanna study right now. i took the last half 20 minutes ago. and i toked earlier, like at 10 or 1030. well, i think writing this all down is imperative to my success. so its worth the time im wasting. or not wasting. utilizing. yeah. utilizing my time is what im doing.

i feel like when i feel out of control or lost or frustrated, i tend to become even worse when it comes to saying no! impulse control, absolutely none! i run away! i throw a fit! well not literally, but in my mind, im fighting what i should be doing, self control, etc etc. its seriously only been a few weeks but it has been an intense few weeks.
i let go of the flaking asshole, btw. i didnt love him, who am i trying to kid. i like that he didnt own me and like all females, i thought he was capable of change. that i only saw the crappy moments, and held onto thinking he had so much potential. well either he is or isnt. he isnt. not good enough, cmon sheena. we know better than that. youve got too much goin for you to not be fully appreciated and matched on every level.  its cool. ill find him soon. i say in 2009. im not ready yet. when i am he'll be around. and according to my chinese astrology, i should marry someone 5 years older than me, born the year of the horse. or tiger, but thats like 9 yrs older than me. so i dunno about all that. we shall see.
im out of control. and the damn counselor never emailed me back when i let her know i had to cancel our appt (her preferred way of communication). so how am i supposed to get help when no one will put me in my place!!! i know i need to do it myself, but dammit help me out! ur the pro! u know im in trouble!

Ill do it myself when im ready. . . I NEED TO BE READY NOW DAMMIT!!! NOW!