ok i have to have this written down permanently somewhere. this is my reminder. ok so i "quit" for a whole week. wow. the pathetic irony: i spent more on trees in january than I had when i was smoking every night last nov- dec. really tho? wtf sheena! i quit the day b4 school started. spent a week being ok with staying up till 1 or 2am. then i decided to purchase. ok im currently looking back at the past few weeks to really see how much ive spent this month. . .not even at stockton yet, but holy crap. i am really bad. like this is bad. not good.
if i assume $20/day since new years, $140. $60 on the 8th, which was burned by the 13th. $200. i stopped 14th till i believe the 23rd, on which afternoon i took an adderall. so i wanted to make sure id have a way to fall asleep. I bought a rx of rozerem too, i paid for it. screw insurance! im not trying ambien. no way man. ok so anyway, thats what got me back on the train. the more rx the more u need. ok so then i paid $25 that time, then on the 27th i picked up another dub. so tally that shiet up $245. yeah. not to mention at least $1/swisher. so maybe more like $255.
yeah. lets absorb that. let that marinate. sheena. lets accept the truth here. feb 3 $40. from lb. yeah. guess what. im 1/2 a blunt from out. id blame the adderall, but lets be real here. its easier to say no when im not indulging amphetamine salts.
ok so the other side of it, this is what my half-assed justifications included:
well in stockton, i was in stockton. and having a rough time with myself.
01/08: let me just enjoy this week.
01/13: after a session w a counselor who asked me if i was familiar w aa, that kinda did it for me, at least for the moment. this aint no disease that i have succumbed to. this is me being weak and afraid. and i really just like smoking but i hate cigs. i continue to inhale and exhale with that heaving sick cough, cuz i was sick. lol. but yeah, i continued to further hurt my injured lungs. wtf? for what? I mean, i can easily lean on the excuse that ive been thru some shit over the last few years and this has been the one stable reliable source of comfort and escape from feeling. but thats all over now, ive got the world at my fingertips and im letting others actions keep me down. so i stopped after i finished the bleezy. i think i wanted to go to the beach that day, but i dont know if i did or not.
01/23: took adderall cuz we got out at 2 so i wanted to make sure id sleep.
01/27: ran out. that so wasnt a dub. "wait i thought you quit" Bender. and ive been cuddling thru the night a few nights a week and i feel bad when i dont fall asleep right away cuz im so restless.
I CANT EVEN REMEMBER WHICH DAYS I ACTUALLY TOOK ADDERALL.
ITS ONLY BEEN 3 WEEKS!!!
i know i took it the 21, 23, 27?, 30, 2, 7 [35mg over 12hr period],8 [12mg over 2hr].

not to mention how terribly gluttonous i am when on add + mj. wow. i did a little grocery shopping yesterday. so both the cheeze-itz & wheat thins are only a handful each away from gone. and the ice cream is almost gone too. omg man. i lose all ability to control impulses. totally eating even when im not hungry. wtf. and i dont really wanna study right now. i took the last half 20 minutes ago. and i toked earlier, like at 10 or 1030. well, i think writing this all down is imperative to my success. so its worth the time im wasting. or not wasting. utilizing. yeah. utilizing my time is what im doing.

i feel like when i feel out of control or lost or frustrated, i tend to become even worse when it comes to saying no! impulse control, absolutely none! i run away! i throw a fit! well not literally, but in my mind, im fighting what i should be doing, self control, etc etc. its seriously only been a few weeks but it has been an intense few weeks.
i let go of the flaking asshole, btw. i didnt love him, who am i trying to kid. i like that he didnt own me and like all females, i thought he was capable of change. that i only saw the crappy moments, and held onto thinking he had so much potential. well either he is or isnt. he isnt. not good enough, cmon sheena. we know better than that. youve got too much goin for you to not be fully appreciated and matched on every level.  its cool. ill find him soon. i say in 2009. im not ready yet. when i am he'll be around. and according to my chinese astrology, i should marry someone 5 years older than me, born the year of the horse. or tiger, but thats like 9 yrs older than me. so i dunno about all that. we shall see.
im out of control. and the damn counselor never emailed me back when i let her know i had to cancel our appt (her preferred way of communication). so how am i supposed to get help when no one will put me in my place!!! i know i need to do it myself, but dammit help me out! ur the pro! u know im in trouble!

Ill do it myself when im ready. . . I NEED TO BE READY NOW DAMMIT!!! NOW!