Because my mother has read my journal one too many times and gotten mad over something she read, something she misinterpreted, I have decided to vacate this journal.  I am still going to keep it around, as it is a good reminder of past events and records kept.  Who knows, maybe sometime soon I will print out all my past posts and compile them into a hands-on copy.  Xanga 1/02-6/03.  Oh well, at least my mother won't be reading my journal, despite my warnings that she would be reading at her own risk and might not like what she read.  I refuse to censor myself on a journal, public or otherwise.  If there is one thing I have learned over this past year on xanga, it is that you should write what you feel because (a) it will provide an accurate represenation of the past from your eyes when you look back on it and (b) you are probably going to piss someone off anyways, you might as well do it by telling the truth and being honest.

If any of you who read my journal would still like to keep tabs on me, please let me know either by emailing me at my hotmail address (see sidebar) or you can IM me at HolyPrinceTom.  And don't worry, I still plan on reading all of your blogs still...I will just have to do it under cover of darkness.  Peace out forever (at least on this journal).    :(   MOOP!  HolyPrinceTom blog, I'm gonna miss you.  Unfortunately, you were just too popular.  Goodbye.

Riddle Me This (this whole blog is black because I am ANGRY!)

Explain to me this, true believers (Stan Lee/Marvel Comics reference).  How is it ok for my mother, a woman who I love and respect very much but have constant arguments with (definitely NOT a lie) to come to my journal (online or otherwise), read my personal thoughts on what is going on in my life, read my comments and my response to comments made, and have the right to call me selfish, lazy and ungrateful?  How is it right that someone, especially a parent (I am almost 22 people), would do that and then tell me she is disgusted in me?  First off, the disclaimer in my profile next to the link to this site states appropriately, "Pry at your own risk."  Strictly meaning...if you come here and read something you don't like, whether it be about yourself or about me, tough shit!  This is my online journal, my place to rant and rave and go over issues in my head.  I could post that I wanted to have a sex-change operation (that would never happen) one day and the next day completely go and chance my mind.  It's my prerogative, whether anyone else likes it or not.  Sure it would be cool if we could all snoop into someone else's head and read the thoughts they have, but wouldn't it be a bit cheesy to get mad at a person after you pried into their contemplations?

I posted about what was going on with graduate school so I could get people's advice.  I was releasing my feelings into a blog and I said nothing but the truth.  The only statements of judgment were placed on my father, who I said isn't a very good dad.  That's a fact and an opinion, but that is also beside the point.  My mother, probably this morning while I was sleeping, not only read my last post but the commentia that went along with.  She read my Ex Best Friend's comments and she also read back my response.  All Ex-BF said was that my mother, and many people of the same age, don't really understand the need for graduate school nowadays or how important it is.  I know this is true, because I have been job hunting the past week and it sucks.  You either work at some crap establishment and work your way up from urinal to peon, or you have a graduate degree.  I have an English major, I more than some need a Masters to pursue anything worthwhile.  Ex-BF was respectful, she said specifically that she wasn't trying to disrespect my mom, just that she didn't think she understood what she was talking about.  I responded honestly, that I agreed and that I think my mom is only worried about her financial well-being.  She told me that she has given me enough and that her obligation is over.  So, therefore, she doesn't want to co-borrow any more loans with me...something she was going to do up until the middle of this week.  Now, in light of this, obviously I am thinking that her financial well being is what she is thinking of above all else.  Sure she is being a sweetie when it comes to trying to help me find a job.  She spent all day the other day helping me search on job posting websites.  But when it came down to it, she didn't trust me enough to help me go the distance.

It may sound ungrateful but it's not.  I am very grateful for everything my mother has given me.  She helped me come out and be proud of who I am as a person.  She helped me get into college and stay there for four years.  She co-signed on my undergraduate student loans and paid the interest on them while I was in school.  She also said she would continue to pay that interest while I was in grad school.  But now, I can't help but wonder why she is holding me back.  I love her, and I know she loves me, but I don't think she wants me to go to New York.  I want to go...I have decided, but that doesn't seem to be enough for her.  She seems to want a guarantee that I will have this magical job that will solve all my problems once I graduate in two years.  Well sure, a job is not automatic when you get out of grad school, but if you go to grad school in New York, esp. for publishing, you are going to come away with some sort of job or paid internship.

The point is, I told the truth on this journal.  I said (a) that she is refusing to co-sign on graduate school loans, (b) that I don't think that she knows how important it is to go to grad school these days, (c) that I feel that all she cares about is losing her car and her house (and considering she said something similar to that, I don't see where I could be wrong), and (d) that all of this makes me think she doesn't trust me.  I wrote the truth in my journal, I wrote how I felt and about what was said.  I passed no judgments on my mother, except for the implied idea that she was giving up on me two years too early.  I stated that I love my mother and I wrote how I felt.  I received a comment, apparently from the only person left besides my mother who actually reads this journal, and I agreed with it.  I responded to it with more of my feelings.  Now tell me again, how is it right to come on here and read those feelings, those personal thoughts, and get mad when you read them?  IT ISN'T!  If you can't stand the heat of someone's journal, get out of the god damn kitchen by clicked the little x in the corner of your screen!  Do not, in any way, ever get mad at me for what I write in here.  This is my place to put my thoughts and I won't stop doing that.

P.S. to anyone who is still awake and reading: The fact that I responded to my Ex-BF instead of deleting, ignoring or blocking her infuriates my mother, and ya know it reminds me of yesterday afternoon at lunch when I told her that she and my father were too immature to just suck it up and get along.  She told me she didn't want to have anything to do with him (nothing new) and now I am looking back on that and using this as perspective.  If I can feel comfortable talking to someone who hurt me very badly, if I can forgive them and they can forgive me, and my parents cannot, what does that say about them?  I dunno...I am very forgiving and it pisses me off that someone, anyone, would presume to tell me who to talk to, or who not to forgive, or who to hate.  I am, without being too immodest, one of the most forgiving, caring and understanding people any of you will ever talk to.  It might not be apparent if you look on the surface, but get to know me and you will see someone who actually pays attention to the little things that mean the most, and who forgives at the drop of the hat but only when he knows someone deserves it.  There is a lot more to me than my parents see, a lot more to me than most people see, but talk to any of the people that I interacted with on a daily basis at school and they will tell you how warm I am, how giving I am, how social and honest and real I am.  Fake I am not...says Yoda.  But I digress.  The point...don't read my journal unless you are fully prepared to hear what I have to say because this is my haven of thoughts, don't presume to tell me who to love, hate, forgive or speak to (that is my prerogative and NOT yours!), and lastly, do not go into my personal journal, read my personal thoughts, and then tell me you don't like my attitude.  Honey, if I had an attitude you would hear about it before you even had a chance to read it!  I don't know how someone can take a journal and say "that person has an attitude problem!"  I didn't say it to your face, I didn't say it at all!  I shared it, I asked for advice, but how can you tell someone they have an attitude when they didn't even bring the subject up to you?  That is my final point, now I am off to pee and probably end up in a screaming match with said mother before I can manage to shower and get out of here for the day.  Ugh!

Just when you think you've hit rock bottom...

After pondering whether or not I really want to go to New York/Pace or not, it has come to the forefront that I have no decision making abilities whatsoever.  It isn't an option of whether or not I want to go to grad school anymore.  No, it has become a decision as to what I am going to do with my life now that I'm not going to grad school.  Unless someone has a solution to this predicament.

See, I talked to my mom about this hesitancy on my part to jump into grad school.  I was having second thoughts.  Call them "wedding day jitters...but for grad school."  Well today I was telling her about how I don't know what I want to do.  There are reasons to go to grad school in NY and there are reasons not to go.  I have to weigh those options.  Well after I said this, my mother decided to announce to me that she didn't feel comfortable co-signing for any more student loans and that I would have to find some other way to pay for grad school if I was going.  I have barely any credit because I am just coming out of college, I have four years worth of debt already, I have no collateral.  It is not possible for me to do this on my own.  I am thinking I could maybe ask my aunt, who is single and has no kids, but I barely talk to her and I don't know how I feel about asking for something this huge.  I don't know.  What do I do guys?  The minute the option was taken away from me, going to grad school became my top priority again.  I've been weighing the options in my head and I just don't know.  Right now New York is looking really nice but who knows what tomorrow's brain will think or want.  I just need some help...some advice on the situation.  What does a college grad do when his mother refuses to co-sign for grad school loans and his father (a) can't get a loan due to previous tax problems and (b) hasn't been very fatherly in the help department in years and thinks $100 a month in child support payments was "doing enough?"

GOD!  Why does my life have to be a big drama??  I just want to do something that makes me happy and at the same time helps me fulfill my dreams and responsibilities.  LeAnn Womack says she hopes I dance...but how can I dance when I can't even afford to step out onto the dance floor and no one is willing to sponsor my dance-age?

I Want To Be A Part Of It!

So today was adventures galore as my mommy and I set out for the big city of New York (Manhattan to be specific) to do all sorts of funness at my future graduate school, Pace University.  We had mad fun but are both wiped out now (except I am wired...explain later).

So we wake up at SIX A.M.!!!  WHO DOES THAT!?!?!  We got ready (I was sluggish) and went to Denny's for breakfast.  I got a meat lover's skillet and thought of my poor Richard as I ate the scrambled eggs.  MMM!  So we took the hour drive to New Haven and got on the train and then my mommy and I played the sleeping game so we wouldn't have anyone sitting next to us.  We had three seats in a row and we put my bag in the middle of us and whoever was on the outside pretended to sleep while they listened to the walkman I brought.  MWA HA HA!  Anti-social enough for ya, Richard?  Upon arrival, we immediately hopped on the subway and headed to the office of undergraduate admissions (cuz graduate admissions doesn't give tours).  We waited a while and I almost fell asleep cuz I was so tired.  Then we walked all around this mad big building.  It was cool though, cuz some of the facilities that we saw were really nice and I got to ask some random questions (though I didn't have many).

However, my classes will be held in the midtown center, so we took the subway back to grand central station and walked to 5th Avenue where the midtown center is.  First we ate at Sbarro's and for some reason I wasn't very hungry.  That can be really frightening for a fat person like myself.  So then we got to meet with the lady in charge of internships and she gave me a fun website to look at and find internships that seem like they would fit me and what I want to do.  Then I met with the head of the Publishing program and she advised me on classes.  I get to look through the course descriptions and register online, which is nice, but I think I already know what I am going to take for the fall.  The program only requires 36 credits to graduate, which is 12 classes.  So I think I am taking either 3 each semester or one 4 class semester and one 2 class semester (at the end).  We shall see.  The classes I am most likely registering for tomorrow are as follows: Editorial Principles & Practices (sounds fun), Book Production & Design (hello...what I totally want to go into), and Internship (which will most likely be paid...knock on wood).  So that will probably be my three fall classes...I may add a fourth on but I might also wait till second semester to take four classes, cuz that way I will know my way around and know the drill before jumping into a big thing.  I have 6 requirements and then 4 electives I have to take, and then the two courses for the internship (first one is doing it and the second one is writing about it...I guess that would be my graduate project or thesis).  Soooo...that is going to be amazingly fun.

We left Manhattan to go home at about 2:15-2:30ish.  It was a long train ride cuz we were both tired and my mom hates riding backwards so we snagged a backwards chair as soon as one opened so she could ride forwards (does that make sense?).  When we got back to good ole Manchester, I crashed into my bed and slept until about 9.  So now I am still tired and groggy but also wired and unable to sleep.  Joy of joys.  Tomorrow I get to register classes, finish up my thank you notes and YIPPEE I have an interview at Border's!  Thank the lord I finally got an interview.  I BETTER GET HIRED OR I WILL KILL MY MOTHER FUCKIN SELF!! (<--- hyperbole).  Well, that is it for my interesting day in the city.  I will be back, probably often, so there will be more opportunities to post about the city.    And then when I move there, my posts will be about nothing but New York.  K, time to go read till I fall asleep or something.  Maybe I'll watch some more Buffy cuz I am prepping for Season 4 to come out on DVD (the boy is getting it for my bday! YAY!!)  Peace out for now.  Nitey nite.