Joy turns to sorrow

In the midst of this sick masquerade

Twisted colors of indecision

Plaguing my thoughts

Life once full

Now a dark abyss of unanswered questions

Robbed of all attempts at peace and understanding

Never free from your haunting voice

Feel the piercing absence of your validation

Alone and confused

With nowhere left to turn

Bitter and distraught

Desperately pleading for another moment

Unwilling to accept the end

Of all my dying dreams

Reaching for your soul

I only grasp the crumbling remnants

Of the illusion that was us

The glittering lie comes crashing down

An empty mirage of blind desire

Now as broken and shattered as my heart.

I felt the coldness of my winter

I never thought it would ever go

I cursed the gloom that set upon us

But I know that I love you so

These are the seasons of emotion,

And like the winds they rise and fall

This is the wonder of devotion -

I see the torch we all must hold

This is the mystery of the quotient –

Upon us all a little rain must fall

- The Rain Song

Well, I feel I should update...it's been quite a while.  Everything has been so insane lately, I just haven't had any time for Xanga...but it's 2:30 a.m., and I can't sleep, so I think, what better time for a Xanga post?

It's amazing how you can tell yourself you don't like someone, or that you're over them, or even that you hate them, but the second you see them again, it's as if you were never apart, and everything you've ever felt comes rushing back to you.  I think also sometimes it takes almost losing a person to realize just how much you really care about them.  I've experienced both scenarios in the last two days, and let me tell you, they may be profound, but they're definitely not fun.  I have so much on my mind.  I feel trapped on this emotional rollercoaster that somehow just broke on the big hill and crashed to the bottom, if that makes any sense.  It's amazing how hopeless you feel when you realize that the one person you love and care about more than anything in this world thinks you hate them, and in turn hates you, and all your efforts in convincing them otherwise fall on deaf ears.  I look around and ask, "God, what purpose is there in all of this?" But that cry too seems to fall back unheard. The simple words, "Trust in me," are all I hear, and they are fading fast, along with my trust, and my hope.  How can you face the day, knowing the one you can't live without doesn't care that you're alive?  And how do you explain a pain you yourself can't even understand?  And how do you save someone who has no desire to be rescued?

It's amazing how one moment in time can change the entire course of your life, how meeting one person will forever change the lives of you and everyone you know, and how one wrong decision can direct a thousand others in its wake.  I just watched The Butterfly Effect (wouldn't recommend it), but basically, (if I'm giving away too much of the movie I'm sorry)  the main character realizes if he could go back in time and make it so he had never met a certain person, the lives of everyone around him would be forever changed for the better.  The irony is that this person is the one he loves more than any other being in the word.  I think of those I can't face life without, and then I think of the pain I've caused them, and I wonder how much better off they would be had we never met.  But having been close, I find it is now impossible for me to walk away.  Which leads me to my final question:  Is it possible to love someone so much you sacrifice every chance of ever being near that person for the sake of their own happiness?  I don't think I could do it, but I wonder if such a love exists.

Sorry for the long, rambling, confusing post.  Everything that has been rattling around in my brain just decided to dump out and say hello...I won't blame anyone if they didn't read this.

Hey everyone!  Read the lyrics to this song...it's so amazing and beautiful...

Casting Crowns - Who am I
 
Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt,
Who am I?
That the Bright and Morning Star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart,
 
Not because of who I am,
But because of what You've done,
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are,
 
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean (ocean),
A vapor in the wind,
Still You hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
And You've told me who I am.. 
I am Yours.
 
Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin,
Would look on me with love, 
and watch me rise again,
Who am I? 
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me,
 
Not because of who I am, 
But because of what You've done,
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are,
 
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean (ocean),
A vapor in the wind,
Still You hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
And You've told me who I am... 
I am Yours, I am Yours.
 
I am Yours,
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am Yours,
I am Yours.