My life lately has been a bit crazy. Since I last wrote alot of shit has happened. I am not going to go into it all because well frankly I don't have the patience to sit here and type it all out but I will fill you in on the highest of the high points and the lowest of the low points. For starters class is finally over thank god! I am happy to be done with all of that bull crap. Next I am getting contacts tomorrow so go me! I don't know though last night I had not one but two nightmares about them....LOL. Wierd I know but I had them none the less. I blew out my tire and 300 bucks later my car is back to normal. Ummmm gosh oh yeah my cousin Alex was shot and caught 7 or 8 bullets I don't remember exactly but he is not doing well so keep him in your prayers please. I moved back to Lawrence and I am living with the Amazing Ashlee for the summer! That should be fun. Hmmm I can't think of anything much else but I will fill you in on the Victor situation.

Last Monday was a horrible day because my mom was not being very helpful for reasons I am not even going to bother going into so needless to say I left to go back to Lawrence before having dinner. Victor made me dinner which was fucking amazingly delicious....he can cook! I mean I knew he could but it has been FOREVER since he cooked for me. Things were actually going really well because we went to lunch that Saturday before hand and hung out Saturday night.....but leave it up to me to fuck things up! Needless to say things have gone down hill because of my stupidity and well to be honest it sucks. Everytime things are good I should just expect myself to fuck it up. We are barely on speaking terms and to be honest my heart is really hurting. There is nothing more I want than to be happy and to be friends. I want to build our friendship back up so that one day it can be him and I again. We made such the perfect team and somewhere along the way we both lost sight of what was important. Truth be told I haven't kissed or even gone on another date with a guy because in my heart I know what I want and it is no Jason or Jon or hell bring on Nick Lache and I would turn him down because no one compares to Victor and I. What sucks is every second of the day he is on my mind.....not kiddind either. Yesterday went to the zoo.....everything was ooo Victor and I saw this last time we were here or I remember doing this with Victor. I can't get him out of my head and it hurts me because I know he doesn't want me like that and well I am not so sure anymore what I can handle. I will wait for him forever if that is the case. Nothing and noone means as much to me as he does. I would sacrafice if I ever got the chance to be with him again because well that is just how much I love him. Maybe one day things will be better but I am starting to loose faith in dreams anymore and that scares me. I don't want to be a bitter old lady fifty years down the road. I want to be the little old lady who is still completly in love with her man. Ugh....my heart hurts all thanks to me. Congrats Nikki you are nothing but a fuck up

Anyways I am going to go do this whole Father's Day thing so I guess I may write later but I doubt it and even if I do it will probably be on private anyways so don't expect much from me.

<3Nikki<3

P.S.~~I am not so sure I believe in love anymore.....Victor and I were supposed to be together forever, we even talked about it. We promised to always be friends should anything happen but we always said nothing would ever happen because we loved eachother. Well lying happened and so did other girls....therefore I am not so sure I believe in love and it is going to take alot for me to start believing again and the only person I want is him.

I haven't had much reason to write and I am sorry that I have neglected this journal but I just haven't wanted to write because my life has been rather crazy and not really worth writing. If I don't write about things it is a thousand times easier to forget it and just let it fade away into the past. There is alot that has happened in the past that I wish that I could just erase from my memories but unfortunatly God didn't give us the white out for memories. Just think what life would be like if we could just simply erase something we said or did in the past....wouldn't that be grand. At the same time as it being grand it could be bad because even though we may have said or done something stupid at least we have the chance to hopefully learn from it and we have the chance of not doing it again in the future. So as much as I wish I could forget parts of my past, I guess in the long run I am thankful for them because I have learned very tough lessons and these lesson will be taken with be and I will do my best never to make the same mistake again.

Ok now that I rambled for a bit lets get down to business and catch you up on my extremly busy life. Came home from school May 19. Shit load of drama went down that Wednesday and Thursday but it is all better now. I am not even going to go down the run down of the story....not worth the time. I started class that following Monday and let me tell you I want to shoot myself lol. I hate that class. More or less it is just boring and common sense. As long as you pay attention in class you don't have to study for the tests which is rather nice. We are doing our clinicals at the nursing home which is very depressing. It is sad that the elderly are not treated better. I will tell you more about that another day.

Things with Victor and I are better, alot better to tell you the honest to God truth. It doesn't look like we will be back together anytime soon which blows seeing as how much I miss him but it is not like we are not friends. We talk all the time which is nice because I missed talking to him. I think we both miss how things were and I truly believe that one day things will be a thousand times better. My door has not closed thank God. I just get the feeling that we were ment to be together but only time will tell. He is my prince and hopefully one day I too will be his princess like I used to be. God we made the perfect pair when we were together. Sure we had our troubled times but what relationship doesn't? Everyone has bad times but if you didn't have those tough times you would apprieciate the good times the way I do. I don't know we will see how things go but he has made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship anytime soon which makes me sad but I am ok with that at the same time because I just have this strong faith that things will work out. He was looking through his pictures one night last week which made me want to do the same so I put a few of my favorite pictures from last summer up. Oooooo yes and for the first time in forever he trusted me. I have lied to him in the past which has made him loose trust in me which is totally understandable but in January I made him a promise to never lie to him again and I haven't. Because of our past though he hasn't believed me but the other night my phone was ringing and it was him but I missed it so I got online because I thought I royally fucked up again but to my suprise he just has some questions and he believed me over someone else which you have no idea what that did to me. I was happy that I was tearing up....you just don't understand.

Anyways I will try to write more later tonight maybe but if I don't oh well.

This is by far one of my favorite ones from the beach. He looks stunningly handsome and that smile just melts my knees everytime. This is the one he showed me the other night and was like I miss this.....*tear* I miss it too!! Don't we just look good together? Lol....not to be conceided or anything but I think we look cute together. All of our pictures we have together are just so much fun and look cute too!

I like this one to except for my hair lol.....it was rather windy at the beach can you tell?

Hehehe....oh yeah it is apparently rather sunny at the beach to....who would have thunk it?

This picture is the very last day we spend at the beach....we got up at four am to watch the sunrise together. That was my favorite day by far for reasons that no one else knows! The sunrise was gorgeous and we had a blast together that morning. We were just being goofy as hell because I think we were both still tired and delirious lol!

This was right before we were leaving the beach....sad! I want to go back to the beach so bad. The sun, the romance, the ocean. It was the perfect summer by far. Love was in the air and things were grand......some of the best memories I have came from the trip that I took last summer. *smiles* At least I will forever have those memories to jump back to when everything else fails.

That is all for now! Bye bye

<3Nikki<3

P.S.~~Learn from your past, move on, grow stronger.
People are fake, but let your trust last longer.
Do what you got to do, but always stay true,
and never let anyone get the best of you

                                                I Miss You

I miss you more than words can say,

It only gets tougher day after day.

I pray that you will soon walk through the door,

And sweep me off my fee just like before.

I miss all of our late night talks,

Even our occasional walks.

I miss you gentle touch,

The way you cared so much.

I miss your warm kiss on my face,

Your strong but gentle embrace.

I miss our long hugs,

The way my hearts strings you could tug.

I miss with the sound of your voice my knees would melt,

The way around you I always felt.

I miss the way when something went wrong,

The way you held me there for so long.

I miss the way you made me feel inside,

The way there was nothing I could hide.

I miss the way you would dry my tears,

The way that when I was with you, I had no fears.

I miss the simple way you said I love you,

The way I knew these words were so true.

I miss the way you smell,

The way when something was wrong you could tell.

I miss the way we would laugh together,

The way we would talk about forever.

I miss the way you were an occasional jerk,

The way you brightened my day with your silly smirk.

I miss the way you an your fingers through my hair,

The way I knew you would always be there.

I miss how cute you were when you were mad,

The way nothing in the world seemed so bad.

I miss the way you let me love you,

The way I could cheer you up if you were blue.

I miss the things we would dare,

The secrets we would share.

I miss the excitement of almost getting caught,

The way we talked about our thoughts.

I miss talking about our dreams,

The way we would someday make the perfect team.

I miss the way everyday you taught something new,

The way I feel helplessly head over heals for you.

I miss the way you always knew what to do,

The way I could bring my problems to you.

I miss the way we didn’t have to say anything,

The way we knew what each other was thinking

I miss the way it was just you and me,

It's the way I thought it would always be.

I miss the way I learned so much from loving you,

The way you were always there to help me through.

Most of all I miss you,

The way I just can’t stop from loving you.