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| Happy Holidays, College StudentI know I'm just currently over-emotional... you can tell by the tears streaming down my face and the lack of food in my body.
I walked home from the doctors today.
10 dollar co-pay
greeeatt! like frosted flakes, because they're more than good!
I realized this week because I had to spend money for Lala's birthday, I had no food money.
I'm always sharing my food, which isnt a problem, because people are more hungry than me and my food will go bad anyway... but dude, im starved.
Last night I ate a hamburger and a hot dog... in one sitting. I barely finnish one hot dog in two hours.
My body is slowly shrinking again... I can partially tell from working out and not eating like I should.
I haven't done laundry in two weeks.
I wont be able to go home for thanksgiving or Christmas... I dont have the heart to tell my mother. Or beg her for food because we had to spend money on things i needed for school.
I have another prescription to fill that I can't afford.
I know God takes care of it all, and its not a big deal not having enough to eat... other kids have no food. I'm just hungry.
I shall eat nemo gummys for dinner again... I might throw up from crying. woot.
I just realized that it's going to be like this all year.
I don't want to be the beggar!!
oh and to top it all off... I'll be alone on my birthday. and this is what I want...
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=9219215
I wish. | | |
| It's been very long dear Xanga, my friend!Too long in fact.
Sometimes I just get so caught up in life I forget that I really need to get my thoughts out... Xanga will always be my FAVORITE place to do that. No doubt. It's been a little more than 4 years and running, if not five now. I believe it was August of 2003. Incredible.
City Interns has started. Wow. I've been waiting eight years for this! And it's finally here... WOW. It's so surreal and definitely not anything as expected throughout the years. I feel like I'm not even a City Intern seeing as I have waited so long to be one. I do not even believe it. Yet I'm taking the classes, in Grounds and Maintenance Ministry track, and trying to work on homework for Christiana's class.
It's sobering to say the least.
Something is wrong with me.
I can't do it on my own. I can't do anything on my own.
Jesus, my wonderful and amazing Savior! I thank You so deeply and dearly for my life and everything you've done in and through me. Would you mind (PLEEAAASSEEE!!) helping me in life? I can't do it on my own. I give you my destiny in EVERY area, especially that concerning those B-O-Y-S! Would you help me to uhm, not like them? *cough*one*cough*
I like letting go.
I will leave you with some Fran.
"I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go
Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me"
-Free to be Me (Francesca Battistelli)
Feels better right? :) | | |
| What we call progressive rambling.Dear Xanga... it's been too long. I must say.
I actually couldn't figure out where to blog this one, because I feel like it's drama and at the same time I feel like it's something I could say and get a point out of... so here it goes :)
Recently I was riding in the car with two people who will remain nameless - a brother and a sister to say the least. We were enjoying our ride for awhile and having quite a bit of fun until we were deciding what to do. Of course, I am and epic failure at that so I kind of wanted to have the man take the lead. This is where his sister said 'uhmm i wont swim, but i will chill with you by the pool'
This kind of wasn't the best answer, I guess the brother in this situation was pretty hungry and kind of annoyed that we took forever to get out of where we were before so he was pretty upset at the denial here. I should have said that I would have swam with him, no matter how awkward that would be - swimming with a boy - because I would have - I just didn't have a swim suit... :) I would have done it anyway.
This was the point where I tried to be "typical Hope" and kind of laugh it off. Like "Lets chill outside on a trail with PB&J and get eaten by bugs!" since I had gotten a text earlier talking about there are 1 billion bugs per 1 human. I guess i should have mentioned the joke part... goodness.
I guess here is part of the point. James had once spoken to me about a time when he went to the movies with some girls and some guys... it was a small group thing and a girl made him decide something. At one point she said "no you decide" (a girl he had just met) and he was like "no you" well she just touched his shoulder and looked him in the eyes and said "No, you're the man, you decide." And so he did.
Tonight I really wanted to do that, I just wanted to touch this boy on the shoulder, look him in the eye and say "I will do whatever you want to do."
The thing is, I couldn't, wouldn't and I don't think I ever would be capable. The idea of touching anyone is not my favorite. Something else I experienced tonight in the motorized vehicle. We were leaving the gas station and the guy in the car was getting in and touched my leg and I kind of moved over - habit, right? He's like "oh i'm sorry" and its over. Well he's reaching over me to grab something and I kind of move away. Bah. Well he calls me out on it.. besides not letting me carry the bags earlier I get called out on my unfondness of touching people, especially boys or men or whatever.. MALES. lol. It was sweet though, basically, he's not that kind of guy - which i knew, but it was sweet to hear. Sometimes I like that boys make me go in front of them through the door and carry things for me, I guess my problem with it truly is that I feel babied. I can do it myself. Something my family has instilled in me. Being babied. Or maybe that I have been forced to do so much on my own that I feel babied when I don't? Who knows?
So back to the story...
The arguing kind of got progressively worse - bitterness was in order. It resulted in me being dropped off at my house and the sister being dropped off at hers and then the brother heading home. I couldn't do anything to make it better. Which sucks, because I just desire to live up to being a woman and supporting, loving, making things better, caring and pretty much - just being a girl.
I feel like I am getting better at this though. (This is where the story twists) Tonight I wasn't as scared. Usually anything to do with boys and anger (or the prospect of anger) kind of scares me. I don't know if you guys remember when I was in Seattle and I was scared of asking Pastor Billy to go somewhere. I actually went into "my" room and cried before I could get it out of my system. Tonight was almost one of those nights. I wasn't afraid, but I definitely didn't feel safe. Crying hasn't happened yet - but I am considering letting it out sometime soon. I don't even know if crying is a good option, but talking to Jesus about it is.
So besides craving a sandwich with some sort of meat in it, I am going to go chill with my Savior... I kind of feel like maybe this part of the wound is almost healed?
Weird how things work, right? | | |
| Im going to rob subway next to a coffee house cultThat's right... Today was horrifically emotional and just ended all around bad, but Jesus and I are having a good time and well the subway thing.
Laura and I had to drive all the way down to meet my retarded Aunt. BAHHHH! anyway, besides that stupidity, we were like "lets not eat subway again" and so we drove past subway and got into old town spring where we freaked out because oh noes! you cant turn around! so we turned quickly into this road that was like a indented speed bump.... well we turned around in this cult coffee shop. It was really scary - so we started speeding out of there really fast because the scary guys were going to attack us and make us join and then we went back to subway where the lady left us in there all alone and we plotted to take it over and chyea.
oh yeah, some cult people came in there and it was scary. okay the end :D
btw, someone help me not die inside? thanks. | | |
| Get fat quick and run people over!So quotes...
"Get fat quick!"
"I'll do it when no cars around, except that I might scare the people a little bit, but not a lot"
HAHAHA!! Running people over, Laura? Oh my.
Spidey-Dave is hotter than Miley Cyrus...
In other news... CHEETOHS! Text me face! :D | | |
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