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I have sinned.
I have slipped and fallen. My carefully constructed control has been lost. I have gotten sloppy. Somewhere between these weeks and months, Ana, I've lost you. I assure you, I never meant to. I want you back. I want to feel dizzy and lightheaded again. I want to be cold all the time. I want to be assured by the clockwork of weight loss. I want to wake up in the morning and feel the delirious emptiness. Gnawing at me, in my stomach, something tearing inside. I want to smile at myself in the morning, thinking about the vast expanse of nothing inside of me.
I want you to take me back, Ana.
I have slacked off. I stopped exercising as much as I used to. My restriction is your binge. Ana, I miss you so much. Bring me back and hold me close. I need you inside my head again. Screaming at me the second I take that first bite. I need you, I need your security holding me close. When everything falls to pieces I need to know that eating is the one thing I can still control. Ana, I need you back. I have gained back the weight. I am paying the price. My jeans won't button, they won't zip. I can feel the fat piling up and bulging and -- Oh, Ana, what have I done? I need you back. I need you to cradle me again like you used to. I want to go days without eating. I want the power back. I don't want to cave and just think, 'I can do better tomorrow'.
Please, Ana, will you take me back?
I will be yours, truly and faithfully. I will begin to restrict again. I want to see the numbers slide off the scale as this disgusting fat slides off of me. I want to overcome food, so thin can overcome me. I want to feel a chill in the middle of summer and I even miss the worry. I miss everybody telling me to eat. Now I don't need to be told twice. I am a glutton, Ana. I am a pig. I have derailed entirely. I need you back. I need to feel my hipbones again. I want my ribs to emerge. I know there has to be something beautiful. I need my skeleton to emerge again. Ana, will you help me? I pledge allegiance to you. I will put away the food. I will push away whatever is handed to me. Exclamations of 'Look how thin you've gotten!' will not longer deter me. I understand, Ana. They are trying to force-feed me lies. They are trying to derail me.
Apples will become my source of nutrition. Salad will be a grand feast. I will carefully calculate and arrange everything. I will faithfully drink water until my knees stagger and I can't see straight. I will fast, I will purge if I need to. I will do whatever it takes, Ana, I will. I will come to you, always. I will find solace in starvation.
Discord has overcome me. I cannot believe I have gained the weight back. I cannot believe I don't fit into my thin pants anymore. I cannot believe I ever left you. But I realize what a fool I've been, and how stupidly I have behaved. I'm on my knees now, Ana, begging for forgiveness. I understand what a horrible person I have been. But I'm willing to make it all up, and more. I promise not to stray from my path this time.
Ana, will you take me back?
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Well Everyone I'm back. A lot of shit has happened since then. Binge after binge after binge. And now I'm paying the consequence. I've gained back control. Hell one look in the mirror about makes me break down in tears. I'm taking the tickers off for now and I'll update in the morning with goals, plans, and so on. I love u all! Thank u for always being there for me! Stay Strong! Lots of Ana Love! <33 *muahz*
LiLy | 
