HottNSexyAna's Xanga

Friday, June 03, 2005

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 04:42:16 GMT

Forgive me, Ana.

I have sinned.

I have slipped and fallen. My carefully constructed control has been lost. I have gotten sloppy. Somewhere between these weeks and months, Ana, I've lost you. I assure you, I never meant to. I want you back. I want to feel dizzy and lightheaded again. I want to be cold all the time. I want to be assured by the clockwork of weight loss. I want to wake up in the morning and feel the delirious emptiness. Gnawing at me, in my stomach, something tearing inside. I want to smile at myself in the morning, thinking about the vast expanse of nothing inside of me.

I want you to take me back, Ana.

I have slacked off. I stopped exercising as much as I used to. My restriction is your binge. Ana, I miss you so much. Bring me back and hold me close. I need you inside my head again. Screaming at me the second I take that first bite. I need you, I need your security holding me close. When everything falls to pieces I need to know that eating is the one thing I can still control. Ana, I need you back. I have gained back the weight. I am paying the price. My jeans won't button, they won't zip. I can feel the fat piling up and bulging and -- Oh, Ana, what have I done? I need you back. I need you to cradle me again like you used to. I want to go days without eating. I want the power back. I don't want to cave and just think, 'I can do better tomorrow'.

Please, Ana, will you take me back?

I will be yours, truly and faithfully. I will begin to restrict again. I want to see the numbers slide off the scale as this disgusting fat slides off of me. I want to overcome food, so thin can overcome me. I want to feel a chill in the middle of summer and I even miss the worry. I miss everybody telling me to eat. Now I don't need to be told twice. I am a glutton, Ana. I am a pig. I have derailed entirely. I need you back. I need to feel my hipbones again. I want my ribs to emerge. I know there has to be something beautiful. I need my skeleton to emerge again. Ana, will you help me? I pledge allegiance to you. I will put away the food. I will push away whatever is handed to me. Exclamations of 'Look how thin you've gotten!' will not longer deter me. I understand, Ana. They are trying to force-feed me lies. They are trying to derail me.

Apples will become my source of nutrition. Salad will be a grand feast. I will carefully calculate and arrange everything. I will faithfully drink water until my knees stagger and I can't see straight. I will fast, I will purge if I need to. I will do whatever it takes, Ana, I will. I will come to you, always. I will find solace in starvation.

Discord has overcome me. I cannot believe I have gained the weight back. I cannot believe I don't fit into my thin pants anymore. I cannot believe I ever left you. But I realize what a fool I've been, and how stupidly I have behaved. I'm on my knees now, Ana, begging for forgiveness. I understand what a horrible person I have been. But I'm willing to make it all up, and more. I promise not to stray from my path this time.

Ana, will you take me back?

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Well Everyone I'm back. A lot of shit has happened since then. Binge after binge after binge. And now I'm paying the consequence. I've gained back control. Hell one look in the mirror about makes me break down in tears. I'm taking the tickers off for now and I'll update in the morning with goals, plans, and so on. I love u all! Thank u for always being there for me! Stay Strong! Lots of Ana Love! <33 *muahz*

LiLy

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 04:57:55 GMT

Friday, May 27, 2005

Fri, 27 May 2005 02:06:37 GMT

Have you ever just felt completely alone? I lost my best friend because I told her I was worried about her and now I'm a "slut". Oh yea my other friend and not just a friend, a best friend since 6th grade won't even look at me anymore. She looks through me. She moved everyone at our lunch table to a new one away from me and when I walk by they all just stare at me. What the fuck did I do? Why does everyone have to hate me? I've been crying all night cuz I want to get the fuck out of school. I hate all these people around me. I mean most of the time I fucking hate myself enough y the fuck do other people have to make it worse. I do hate myself. Idk if its been finals but I've been stressing so fucking bad and the food has just been piling in. I put the scale away. Right now I'm absolutly petrified of it. Fuck ok then last night my BEST GUY FRIEND Bobby came over to study. And yea if any of u knew my old s/ns b4 they got found u might remember him. I liked him a lot and I just kinda put it behind me cuz I knew we could never be nething more. But then last night I had to fight to get him out of my pants. And its not just that he was playing with my hair, rubbing my back, kissing my finger tips. But then he's kinda seeing this other girl. I wanna just cry. Oh wait thats what I've been doing all night. Idk what to do bout nething in my life. Like with the friends fuck em I guess I mean I can be alone all summer no big. Then Bobby idk all my feelings for him came rushing back but what if this just blows up in my face again and tears me apart (again) But then a new breakthrough with him like last time he wouldn't show any feelings for me at school but like today we were sitting watching a movie with a bunch of people and he comes up behind me and starts playing with my hair and like a couple of guys were teasing him and he didn't even care. And he tells me he loves me and we were leaving the parking lot at the same time and he blew me a kiss out his window. But he's never kissed me, well a long time ago but yea that was then. Ugh ok rambling. But yea this summer I'm gonna be a rockstar. I need to get back on track. Just took sum laxies. I figure I should do a fast tomorrow. Fast of neg cals Sat then maybe liquid fast Sunday to try to flush my system so I can start off good monday. Plus then I can start running again. Fuck yea I have TIME! LoL! Well sry this is so long its just I've got a lot on my mind and no one to say it too. I honestly love all u guys! U make me strong! Ana is a Goddess! *muahz*

LiLy

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Tue, 24 May 2005 10:50:25 GMT

Hey Lovlies!

Did ok yesterday not great but ok! Im down 2 lbs so its all good! LoL! I'm very sry cuz I won't be able to comment back for awhile its just I'm cramming for finals non stop this week, I will try tho PROMISE! Well I thought I would give u guys an update and I'll be back soon! Stay Strong and Forver Sexy! Lots of Ana Love! <33 *muahz*

LiLy

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Sun, 22 May 2005 12:41:58 GMT

******************EDIT*****************

Ok I just got home and I'm procrastinating bout writing my paper so I'm here! LoL! Well I did weigh in (i know i said I wouldn't but I lied!) 162....I honestly don't remember last time I was that much! Ugh. So far Fast is goin good. I'm trying to flush my system, I've been chugging H2O and Green Tea all morning. But it sucks my dad comes in tonight (he's been outta town all weekend) and we're having a big dinner and I can't get out of it so I'm just gonna try to eat as little as possible. Well wish me luck I'll tell ya how it goes lata! *muahz*

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Oh my FUCKING god! I'm terrible. I'm a fat ass and I will always be a fat ass! I have no self control at all! Fuck I need laxies so bad! They're at home. (I'm still at my aunt and uncles house!) I did so bad yesterday. SOOOO Bad! I don't even wanna talk bout what I ate cuz I honestly think I might purge. I'm putting the scale away cuz I don't think I can handle what it says. Ok well today is definetly a FAST FAST FAST! Wish me luck! I'm sry so short but I'm still working on those 2 papers but I'll try to go and comment as much as I can and I'll give you an update tonight! Stay Strong and Sexy all! Lots of Ana Love! <33 *muahz*

LiLy

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Sat, 21 May 2005 19:31:29 GMT

Hey Everyone!

Well my day yesterday was so much fun! We went to the zoo and omg my legs still hurt from all that walking. Like 4 hrs worth of up and down hills. Good for my ass tho! LoL! But yea then I went out with Corey last night. He is such a gentleman! I mean he even opens up his truck door and even helps me up! So cute! Yea we went and saw Unleashed. I've never even heard of it! LoL! Its was ok I guess. Then we came back to my house and he stayed over til bout 1. I like him and I know its gonna work out. I mean he drives 30 min just to see me. And I guess he talks bout me non stop to his friends.But yea the only thing that bothers me is that he's still too shy to make the first move. I mean he'll puts his arm around me and things like that but I always have to be the one to kiss him. Idk I think he just needs time. But yea my mom likes him so thats a plus. He's suppose to call me today so yea! But we still aren't "technically" together just an fyi. But I know he wants me so I'm not the stresed out nemore. All I gotta say is thank god! My lil binges I had have stopped and right now I'm at 160.5. Ugh bad I know but I feel in control again so I know I'm getting back on track. I still have the same goal and I know I can do it! Lets see I've had prob 600 cals so far today (bad I know!) so I'm done! But yea tonight I'm gonna go babysit my lil cuz and spend the night ova there. But I'm gonna bring my labtop so yay! LoL! Well I gotta go for now, I have tanning in like an hour, then we're goin to the store (yay! I need to figure out my meal plans for this week....hmmm) and I have 2 papers I gotta write by Monday so fun stuff! LoL! Stay Strong and Sexy Everyone! Lots of Ana Love! <33 *muahz*

LiLy

Friday, May 20, 2005

Fri, 20 May 2005 01:59:32 GMT

Well Everyone......HE CALLED! YAY YAY YAY YAY! I can't stop smiling now! LoL! I was just sitting on my bed watching my cell phone when it rang and I didn't recognize the number and I like dived for it and it was him! He asked me out for this weekend! I can't wait! Gosh I feel so gross tho cuz I've been stressing and that means I've been eating (very VERY bad!) Ugh so so so bad! But maybe now I can try to be SUPER Happy! Well tomorrow we're goin to the zoo so lots of walking! Cheers for that! I'm gonna text him tonight and tell him he should skip school and come with me but he prob won't be able too. A girl can dream tho right? LaLaLaLa! But yea other then that went to my best guy friends baseball game tonight (he's an umpire) and I met this girl he likes and she's so awesome! I approved her! LoL! But yea now I'm home and yea just shaved (just in case I do get to see him tomorrow) Well I'm gonna comment and be positive cuz basically cuz I am! I hope everyone is great too! Stay Strong (unlike me!) Lots of Ana Love! <33 (even tho I'm a reject rexie!) *muahz*

LiLy

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Wed, 18 May 2005 13:13:49 GMT

********************EDIT********************

Ok well so far today the only thing I had was a banana. Ugh but I still am goin out to lunch, Wendy's I think. I'm gonna eat. I'm craving bad! If I eat that I simply won't eat tonight. It won't be hard cuz my lil bro has a baseball game. But yea I changed my goal this week to 155 which I better get. Idk I should still loose cuz omg I can't do worse then yesterday! LoL! Well I'm gonna blast for now! Oh yea and my friend thinks its hilarious torturing me! U see she moved to a town over and she goes to school with Cory and yea she won't tell me whats goin on or what he's saying or blah! She thinks its funny driving me crazy (it doesn't take much!) She sucks! LoL!

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Hey Everyone!

Sry I didn't get on and update last night but I was freaking out and I still am now so great! LoL! Um well Cory (the guy) was telling people yesterday that he thought I was really hot and thta he wanted my number. But ya know what my friend does? She goes and gives it to his twin borther. So I don't know if he has it and yea. I freak out easily if ya can't tell! I can't help it! LoL! But yea ya know what I do when I stress out? I eat like crazy! I hate it! I went back up to 159.5 this morning. Great! Well I have an early out today, so a friend and I are gonna go out to eat (better! ugh) and then taning and then maybe sumthin else idk! But wish me luck and pray he'll call! LoL! I'll update lata! Lots of Ana Love! <33 *muahz*

LiLy

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Tue, 17 May 2005 11:06:35 GMT

Hey My Lovlies!

Ok yesterday morning I weighed in at 160 (like i guessed! LoL!) Um I did pretty well yesterday. I had Green Tea for Breakfast (0 cals) then only negs for lunch. I did snack on a granola bar (110 cals) I couldn't help it I was in a very good mood! Then I had a huge dinner! Ugh I'm estimating like 600 cals! But this morning I'm down 2 1/2 lbs! Thank god! I'm getting back on track! I'm so proud! LoL! So my goal is to be down by 152 by next Monday! I can do it!

Oh yea the GREEN DAY CONCERT WAS FUCKING AWESOME! Thats all I gotta say bout that! Lmao!

Ok now for y I'm in the best mood ever! Ok you know how my friend her bf and her bf's friend were coming to lunch yesterday? Omg I love my friend! The guy they wanted to set me up with was absolutly gorgeous! My jaw just dropped when I saw him! So I ended up skipping out of my last 3 periods and we all came back to my house and hung out for awhile. We were just sitting there talking and got to know each other really well. (He has an identical twin bro! LoL!) But yea then my friend and her bf snuck of sumwhere so were were sitting there. Oh yea he was making fun of me cuz my feet were freezing and he was keeping them warm. Boys r so dumb! But yea he's kinda shy and I told him he shouldn't be and the next thing I knew he had his arms wrapped with his head resting against mine and he's like is this better? It was so cute! Then he pulled me on top of him and we just made out like crazy. It was awesome. But then like 15 minutes later they had to leave, go figure! But he gave me this huge hug and kiss goodbye. I think I really like him! I just don't know whats gonna happen now cuz he wouldn't say a word the whole way home I guess! Ugh I'm just gonna wait and see what he says to his friends today. It better be good! LoL!

Well I'm gonna go get ready for school! I'll put icons and comment back lata! Stay Strong and Sexy All! Lots of Ana Love! <33 *muahz*

LiLy

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Sun, 15 May 2005 20:23:48 GMT

Hey Everyone!

Sry its been forever! Too put it very shortly these week has sucked ass! Omg I hate myself! I hoenstly don't even know what happened. I think I'm bout up to 160. Ugh! But basically I just lost my way and here I am begging for Ana to take me back again. And I'm thrilled! Well the plan this week goes sumthin like this.

Breakfast: 2 cups of Green Tea (0 cals)

Lunch: Anything BUT Negative cals ONLY!

Dinner: W/e I can get away not eating (my dad is suspecting! he got in my face about it, long story! I think thats y i fucked up so bad, hmmm....)

All in all NO SNACKS! Thats a main goal. Um 3 Liters H2O a day, 2 more glasses of Green Tea, One when I get home from school and the other b4 bed. Take all my pills, and multi vitamin. Oh yea try to cut back on laxies! I've been poppin them like crazy this week! Diet Soda and gum is definetly ok. Max out of 400 cals. Then I think my goal is to be down 8 lbs this week. Idk what my starting point is, tell ya tomorrow when I weigh in! Oh yea tomorrow my best friend and her boyfriend are coming to lunch and they're birnging a guy for me, who I guess (according to my friend) is definetly my type and is absolutly perfect for me and were gonna hit it off and yea. We'll see, LoL! But if neone she would know! Well I'm gonna blast for now! I gotta finish writting a 10 page rough draft of my research paper due tomorrow b4 I leave for the Green Day concert here in a couple hours! So yay! Stay Strong and Sexy Everyone! Lots of Ana Love! <33 *muahz*

LiLy

You ask me why I do it:

Because then I will be happy

Because then I will be thin
because I'll like myself better,

When I'm only bones and skin

Because nothing tastes,

Quite as good as thin feels

Because I gain self control,

When skipping all my meals

Because I'll finally be beautiful,

And happy in my own skin

Because I don't care about anything,

I just want to be thin

Because I have to prove,

To myself and to you

That I can succeed,

Even if it's the last thing that I do

Because I want this so much,

More than ever before

Because I can never stop,

Without coming back for more

Because then I will be lighter,

Because then I will be free

Because anorexia is a lifestyle

Not a disease.