Odd. Weird. Strange.These words have plagued me my entire life. I don't know what it is but everything will be fine and then all of a sudden, this sense of oddness...strangeness will wash over me. I recently took myself off of all the medication I was on. In my opinion, it hasn't done much for me in the past almost 4 years. I went through SERIOUS withdrawal. Puking and laying on the floor next to the toilet just because it was cold. This heat is going to kill me. Like some kind of FARKING junkie, there I was for 2 days. It disgusted me. I had no setbacks except PHYSICAL withdrawal. Yet, the whole time I was on the medication, I still couldn't shake the weirdness every now and then. The absolute surrealty (is that a word? HA) of the world around me. So, I decided to stop taking them. Just like that *snap* DONE. 4 years is a long time to be on anti-depressants. I feel like I had checked out of my life...I got a lot of energy back and I'm still able to work...that is alot different than when I was *ON* the stupid pills...all I wanted to do was sleep...and of course, when I sleep, I have nightmares *sigh* Although, for 2 weeks I was QUITE cranky and was a pestilence upon my husband and my friends..more so than usual, anyway. I developed a bit of a drinking problem whilst on said medication. Although, it wasn't a problem TO ME until the next day when people would tell me how much of an ass or crazy person I was while I was drunk. *blush* Since I've been off of it, I have drank a grand total of 2 TIMES. Normally, it would be "beer, munchie fest, and movie" night EVERY Friday for Chris and I. He's not that much of a drinker so most of the time, he was buying it for me and just drinking with me because we were bored *shrug* I feel FANTASTIC when I wake up in the mornings, lately. Maybe it's the fact that I have a project and am finally done working on the inside of our house and can focus on the yard now..I don't know. Yet, no matter, this oddness won't go away. I'm going along and *POW* all of a sudden, I will look around at everything like I'm seeing it for the first time and I can't believe it's real.... It's been happening to me my entire life. I get spooked by it. Haunted. I don't think there is a pill in this world that can get rid of it, so I just won't even try. I stopped going to talk therapy 2 years ago because it seemed like all we were doing was rehasing the past while I believed that in order to move on I must put the past away and focus on the future. Therapy just depressed me more. And still, I felt odd. Different. Strange. Weird. I seem to have the perfect life, husband, children. How can I feel this way? THEY don't make me unhappy, I make myself unhappy, at least, that's what *I* believe. Maybe it's a personality flaw, a character flaw. I'm just destined to feel like an outsider for the rest of my life even though I am surrounded by people who love and care for me very deeply. Success, I shun. Love, I shun. I'm in love with my anger. It gets to be very lonely when you are the only person in the world who seems to understand you. cya ~Steph~ | 
