This World...

.... makes me so truly enraged, upset, sick and sad all the same time.(heavy stuff ahead, just tellin ya)

 I was talking to a friend and was told that there was a murder involving a family from her church.  how a father 2 hours from here decapitated his 4 year old daughter and left her body in the hallway for the mother to find. I'm a pretty hardened person, not much really shocks me or devestates me, but that really did it. my first thought was wishing i had the means to go and find this man and bring him to justice, which thankfully enough he already has. The more i thought about it the more i'm just left thinking " how?" or "why?." When i went to google the story i typed in "Murder" "Father" " four year old" and "North Carolina." Did you know i got only 2 hits on the story i was looking for, but it managed to find pages on fathers murdering their children, or children in the area being murdered. Right now, i'm  Just floored, and exausted at all of it. Our world is so so dark, so drowning in sin, so seemingly un redeemable. It's not just today. I hear stories from Danyelle about cases coming in the hospitals, i see the stuff on the news, i see all the pain in the lives of those around me.  It's nothing i should be suprised by, sometimes i just paint myself into the little sheletered version of my world and stay there, I don't mean to do it, but i do. This world is just so dark, and in my mind i just wanna be a superhero and be able to save the world from evil, and be some amazing minister and make everyone turn their hearts to God, but i'm not a superhero, i am a minister, but i don't think i'm to the point yet to make that kind of impact.

Fact is this world is dark, and we are all inheretly evil, it is only by God's grace there is any Good. The little bit of God, and His character that is inside of us is the only thing keeping this world from destroying itself faster than it already is. Sometimes i think back to the time when God looked down on the world, and said it was too wicked, and that the best thing to do would just be to wipe it out. I know that the world had to be in some pretty crappy condiition for God to go that route, but then the thought that really nails me is with all the shenannigans goin on today are we still better than those people were back then? I guess it's because of Christ, and the fact the holy spirit is dwelling ina  percentage of the population, but i can't imagine God not feeling pain when he looks down and see's the state of his creation. He made a promise he wouldnt wipe us out like before but i don't think i'd blame him if he did. Time's like these i think i feel more contrition than normal cause i don't want my sins and failures to be something else God is hurt by when he already sees so much other pain. Even more so i know all sin is sin and my own sins are just as bad as what that father did. Typing that put my stomach in knots. I don't know if i can truly take that thought, but i know i don't want to be in disobedience when faced with such things.I know a lot of folks say "i just wish Jesus would come back" and i do wish that too, but i guess part of me would just rather see this world redeemed first.

I know this place isnt my home, it was intended to be, but since the fall occured it hasnt been humanity's home for a long long time.
Caedmon's Call/ Derek Webb wrote back in the day "I can't deny this fallen world, though not my home it's where i live. How can i preserve and light the way, for a world i can't admit i'm in."
Mike Shinota of Fort Minor writes "These days are dark and these nights are cold, people actin like they lost their souls and everywhere i go i see another person like me trying to make it all feel like home." I think knowing this world isnt my home is a comforting thought. I still want things to be better.
Jars of clay's song "Oh My God" really nails it for me
"Sometimes I can not forgive
and these days mercy cuts so deep,
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep.
While I lay, I'd dream we're better, scales were gone and faces lighter,
When we wake we hate our brother, we still move to hurt each other,
Sometimes I can close my eyes and all the fear the keeps me silent,
Falls below my heavy breathing, what makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder, we all have the need for wonder.
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the plunder.
Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven,
All the times I thought to reach up, all the times I had to give up.
Babies underneath their beds, in hospitals that cannot treat them.
All the wounds that money causes, all the comforts of cathedrals,
All the cries of thirsty children, this is our inheritance,
All the rage of watching mothers, this is our greatest offense
Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God."

I Just needed some space to vent, and thanks for reading and listening. I guess the only things to do(not that they aren't good options) are to pray, and continue doing my best to love others, and be the light Christ called me to be. As long as there's some light in the world it's not all dark right? Sometimes i feel though like i'm standing in the middle of a dark field with only a candle. Guess i got my work cutout for me. I seek a means to fight injustice...but the sad fact is i'm not Batman, i also don't have any superpowers, or any other amazing abiliteies. So the only thing i can do to fight injustice is to pray, i have to take peace in knowing God can do more than me. So when these dark terrible things happen i may not be able to do something physically but God will bring justice to the wicked, and peace and comfort to the hurting, and eventually joy and praise. That's more than i could do. Light shine on, keep the darkness at bay.

There are a lot of things wrong in this world. Things that make me sad. Things i know break God's heart. I know this isn't anywhere near my problem but the whole thing with the groom being shot on his wedding day. If you don't know what i'm talking about read the news. Basically a groom and his groomsmen left an" adult entertainment" place(i'm not sympathizing with that part) but they hit a couple undercover cop cars, and the cops shot the dude's car 50 times. 50!!! these were unarmed guys, and these cops broke police policy on car chases and fired 50 rounds into the car. This dude was getting married in like 8 hours, had 2 kids. They hit the groom 19 times(or 21 mixed reports) and killed him, they also wounded two of the other guys. Cops are supposed to protect and serve. I understand chasing the guys down and arresting them, but shooting them 50 times. no. I really just wanna scream. how wrong the whole thing is. I really wish i was some hero or vigilante so i could bring justice, but i can't bring dude back, and vengance is God's. So there's not a lot i can do.

I know it's the result of sin, and the product of our broken world. I know that while we can do good through God, and love each other, it's not gonna change till Christ comes back.

On a smaller scale. Friday night one of the teens i work with tried to steel my mp3 player. Now if you know me, you know i dig my music and i value that thing highly for it's content. So i was sitting there in the bus and i thought "ok i'm here to love these guys, let it go" so i said "alright i know one of you took it, i'm not mad and you wont be in trouble, just give it back so we can go home" well 20 minutes went by, and then one of the parents asked the kids to step off the bus and be searched, well one of my kids comes up and says "i'll help you find it mr. hector" so he bends down and sticks his hands under my seat" now me and 25 other people searched under that seat and i could see clearly it was empty. Kid reaches behind him, slides my mp3 player to the ground and says "I found it mr. hector" he was caught by me and 15 other people. I wasnt even mad he took it, seriously, i just was hurt he'd lie about it. i talked to him later, and tried to tell him how important it was for him to tell me the truth, and he said "i swear to God! i didnt do it, he can strike me dead!" I really hate lies, and being lied to hurts so much.

This world is broken, i cant fix it, but i can preserve some of it. So i'm doing all i can.

"I'm still here, and i'm tired. Tired of sin and struggling tired of almost everything" "I hope the prince of peace is coming soon"-Supertones

 So I just feel like tapping the keg of words rolling around in my pop culture spewing cranium. There’s been so much going on, Christ promises us life, and life more abundantly. Mark lowery  made the point that  life is really a lot of ups and down, so abundant life is just abundant ups and downs.

So I completed my first college course in 6 years, and might I add I slapped a 4.0 across that puppy. I’m still going one course at a time. 1 down 8.9 to go. I haven’t written any new music lately but I am feeling a burden to do so.  So don’t be surprised when I give you a tasty audible treat.

Medically has been some stuff lately, My Bride has been facing some medical struggles, we are finally getting details on the problem, but we are still a ways from the solution. And my body aches like crazy, my legs have been giving me such pain. Me playing racquetball on Wed has made a whole new batch of body sections writhe in pain. I just wanna go sit in a hot tub. That time is few and far between, I have been enjoying working out though, I’ve managed to do it pretty frequently. I’m not on a diet, or trying to loose x amount of pounds or anything. But I am trying to live a different lifestyle.  So hopefully this will stick well. It really does feel better, my body doesn’t feel like a dump. It is also of course increasing my ninja skill. I’ve also become incredibly fond of playing hacky-sack, I’m getting decent at it too.

Spiritually I’ve been diving into thoughts, theologies and issues. I confess I don’t know everything. I don’t even know my own opinion on a lot of things. As soon as I’m completely set on one position I find something pointing me in another direction. I’m referring to issues that don’t really change anything though. I still believe completely in all the fundamental elements of faith in Christ. But the more you read of the Bible the more you realize you don’t get it all, or that it’s so much bigger than the little box you put it in. It’s so vast. I know God’s love is better than life, and that Christ is who he says he is, but when you get into the rest man I don’t always know. People love to argue their points about what they believe about some minor issues, I’d rather just follow Jesus great commandments, love God, and love everyone else, and let the other guys  fight pokemon style on how God works.

I’m really enjoying reading the book of james for mine/danyelle’s growth. It has some good stuff. My current college course is on the book of romans, which is some weighty stuff. I’m also reading a book called “soul cravings” it’s on my myspace, great book.

The new newsboys cd is some really great stuff “everywhere we go” get’s In your head like crazy, which is why it’s my myspace song. I hope you walk around singing it all day long. Oh and audio adrenaline, still puts on one of the best rock shows you’ll ever see. John Rueben is also great live.

So I went to dustins state championship football game tonight, they did loose, but cmon seriously, 2^nd best in the state, that’s stinkin good. But those players, cheerleaders, and parents stood there on the field, and a lot of them cried. I’ve never really been much of a warrior, or competitor. I can’t imagine the feeling of spending months and months to battle and compete, and come so close to not make it all the way. My heart went out to all of them, but I am proud as all get out of the whole lot of them. I don’t want that to be an allegory of my life. Several players had shirts on that simply said “finish” I wanna finish my life and my race well, I don’t wanna be a good minister or missionary for a long time and then just crash and burn before I reach the end.

So I just wanted to share, thanks for reading /listening.

-Senor Hector, El Mariachi/Ninja

Me and John Rueben   Some Superchick Beth Fingers and Steve Dustin running from the cops....