I'm graduated.

I'm moving home with the 'rents temporarily.

I have to pass a licensure test,

but first I have to register.

In order to do that, I have to fax in a letter

that they said I just had to present at the time of the test.

So of course the fax machine at the counseling center doesn't work

And of course the bookstore charges 50 freakin' cents a page for faxes.

I'm ready to go Office Space on the CC's fax machine, the student financial services fax machine, and the book stores fax machine. 

For once, I'd like something to be easy, and not take so much freakin' effort.

"I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work"
Jars Of Clay, Work

Dear diary:  today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. 

Dear diary:  today I was kidnapped by hill-folk never to be seen again.  It was the best day ever.

Or, something like that.  It would probably read more like:

Dear diary:  today I had a run-in with a large, brown, hairy something that looked suspiciously like a genetically mutated spider.  It was in a box.  I suppose I should be grateful that I didn't wake up to the kee-kee batting the thing across my face.  So I let out a shriek, dropped the box, picked up the box, ran upstairs, and threw the thing (box and spider and all) out the front door.  The box is still outside, waiting. 

I hope the Tarantula-thing is long gone.  I shudder to think of that thing being in my room whilst I slept peacefully.  No, seriously.  Shuddering.  Bleaghh.

Today I was also invisible, which was annoying.  It has it's benefits, of course, but I couldn't get it to turn off when I wanted it to.  So, after being mauled by the King of Spiders and failing to flip the invisability switch, I treated myself to Chipotle.  I allowed myself a few moments to work on a stupid book report.  I danced.

I also felt like I was going to explode, but thankfully managed to not do so much of that. 

The sun was shining, I got to drive with my sun roof open and the windows down, my hair is short enough that it doesn't get tangly, my cat is all purry/cuddly and is looking at me with her contented eyes, and as far as I know, my room is spider-free.  The Dungeon is a mess, everything is changing, and I'm not sure how I'm going to get everything done by it's due date (graduation means no extensions), but there are things to be thankful for. 

But as surely as the Lord lives, there WILL be violence done if I find a spider in my room tomorrow. 

This is what, day three?  Day four of the New Attitude?  Meh.

I guess I should have realized that my "I want it now" mentality would translate over.  Of course, late nights and being a girl and stress all take their toll, so I suppose it's okay for me to be frustrated and feel a little down (damn that infernal melancholic streak of mine!).

I've written that I have decided to be me.  Take me or leave me, but I'm here to stay.  There was a hope about it, a belief that maybe this would work.  Well, it's day three or four, and not a whole lot has changed, but then again, a lot has. 

It's been relatively easy to keep this attitude going (except, as mentioned before, at night).  I tried explaining this to a friend tonight.  It was as if there was a puzzle, or I was the puzzle, but there was this missing piece.  Try as I might, I could never find anything that worked.  I tried being like _______, or tried to make myself more _______ and when that failed I determined that if I just lost weight and became a physical goddess than ________ could not withstand me and THAT would make me complete.  And nothing worked.  That realization was a sudden one.  But it felt gradual.  It was like I looked away for a second and when I turned back saw that someone had put down that missing puzzle piece.  It fit, and the edges were blended in and it was a smooth transition into...me. 

And all of a sudden, I'm treating people differently.  I'm being more open, more outgoing, and I've already made new friends and have had conversations with people I never would have been able to before, because I  accepted myself and stopped worrying so much about things. 

The only setback is that life circumstances neglected to change with me.  So I still have to face all of those same things, and I still feel some of the same reactions.  I still have to go everywhere and see people get together and be happy, and I still walk alone.  I feel better about myself, feel that I'm an attractive woman with many great qualities, and yet I still feel as though I'm invisible.  I have to fight that thought that there must be something wrong with me still, I must be too broken (or, *gasps!* I'm really NOT attractive and cool and I have an incredibly distorted view of myself!).  I have to fight each moment of jealousy, of rejection, and accept the moment for what it is.  Accept how I feel for what it is.  Accept who I am, for what I am (and what I'm not) and try to push away everything else.  To be okay even if he'd rather be with her.  To try to be happy for those people who end up with my dreams.  To refuse to let my identity rest in those little hurts and rejections, but be what it is....and to hope.  To keep hoping that all is not lost.  To keep trying, even when it's hard.  To really be stubborn and refuse to go back to what I was and how things were, and to push forward, push outward, push...

Tonight I danced better than I have in a long time.  Maybe ever.  Tonight I felt beautiful dancing, graceful, sexy even.  But it was one of those situations that didn't change with me.  In fact, it rather changed without me.  I felt a little bit of hope slip.  I felt sad that it's still not my turn, and a little afraid that it never will be.  And trying to be present in the moment, I let myself feel that way.  I let myself cry, too, on the way home. 

It's ok.  It's enough right now to be.  My attitude is still here, and by God's grace and mercy, I hope it remains forever.