IGotTheJoy's Xanga

And everyone must breathe until their dying breath...

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 22:55:52 GMT

Let's go with something Bono said (loose paraphrase): Start with what you know.

I know that the ache is less
been keeping busy, keeping busy
Days and days go by, no tears
but it's not easy, it's not easy
not easy coming back

I miss your touch, miss your face
but not the lying, not the lying
wish that you would still be here
but you stopped trying, you stopped trying
stopped trying to come back

I go out with him and think of you
and what you're doing, what you're doing
I try and try to stop the tears
but they keep coming, they keep coming
they keep on coming back

I'm before and after, but after what
I've stopped the breaking, stopped the breaking
I would hold a moment near
but they keep slipping, they keep slipping
they're never coming back

I start a day and finish it
at least I'm trying, I've been trying
I stay silent so that I may hear
the sound of singing, sound of singing
they sing to me "come back."

I'm not listening for the right words anymore. I'll take what's left.

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 22:24:16 GMT

Friday's are quickly becoming my least favorite day. I'm at my lowest point emotionally, and to top it all off I have to work from 9:45 a.m. until 7, ferreting countless kids through my not-so-amazing classes and trying to regain some sanity during my many breaks. The kids I remember the most are the ones who call me mommy and cry over the weirdest things, or that kid who came up from under the water and spat in my face because the water tasted yucky and I happened to be in the wrong place at the right time. Let's not forget the kids with mild cases of autism, or the kids who can suddenly hit my invisibility button so that I disappear, even though I'm in their face saying "HELLOOOOOO, can you hear me?"

I've been pinched, kicked, yanked, butt-slapped, boob-slapped, had my hair pulled, and yucky water spat in my face. It's a good time, with interesting challenges presenting themselves daily. I'm usually left feeling inadequate, and I think a lot about how I'm coming across to the kids, if I'm being an effective teacher. And then there comes the days when I work with a kid one on one, and I teach them how to blow nose bubbles and somehow transform them from kids who were afraid of the water into kids I can't keep out of the water. Those days are amazing. Suddenly I'm a super-teacher! It's kind of ridiculous, really.

There have been some hassles with the job, of course. Nothing is ever perfect. I actually came to the conclusion a few days ago that I probably shouldn't have taken the job. I probably should have stayed at the bank (there are one or two perks that I miss). This swimming instructor job has been a blessing in disguise, though. It's actually helped to facilitate my journey into the real world. Becoming an adult is scary, and I'm not really sure what to do with myself. I've spent my entire life moving towards this point, and now that it's here I'm trying to hold on to my under-grad life. Losing those perks kicked me in the arse something awful, and now I'm starting to see that this bad decision perhaps wasn't so bad after all. Because it's not where I want to be long-term I'm more motivated to find a place for myself that fits.

What's next? A real job, with real benefits, possibly weekends off...chances to travel, to dance more. Maybe a tattoo? An opportunity to pour myself into other things that matter, develop new relationships and new passions, and perhaps build on old ones.

On a more personal level, I've been singing "One is the loneliest number..." courtesy of a random event at Buca di Beppo's. It's one of my more morose moments, I suppose. I think perhaps one of the hardest things for me, after a break-up, is finding myself again and being comfortable in that. Going from being "in a relationship" to not being in one is always harder than I think it will be (unless, of course, I'm the one who did the breaking up. Then I suppose it comes as a relief to be single again). I don't even know how to describe the process. I think I'm trying to fill the need for relationship in another way, but I'm not sure exactly how. I spend time with friends, I go out somewhere every day, but the hardest part of the day is when I come home and I'm me, myself, and the world has slowed down and there's nothing to keep me from my thoughts. I wonder, sometimes, how people seem so content to go home at the end of the night and sleep. I used to love the silence, but now I seem to prefer the clanging noise. I guess I have to ask myself an important question then: Is the relationship that has been damaged the most the one I have with myself? Because at the end of the day, I'm left with me...and sometimes that's not enough.

I can tell you this, though. I am seeking to find contentment and peace every day. I'm trying to take each moment and enjoy it for what it is, even if it's the crappiest moment of the year. I may still wish for things to be different, but I seek to accept the here and now (this is what makes me the hopeless romantic that I am, and enables me to self-administer doses of reality successfully) and make the best of it that I can.

Hopefully that means that at some point soon in the future, when the sounds of a busy day have faded to silence and I'm only left with me, that it will be enough.

Words fall through me and always fool me

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 00:30:12 GMT

I'm reading a book about Bono. I saved a turtle from almost certain death. I think I had my best dance ever this past Saturday. Today I flowed along on a sad current. I miss dancing. I have some new words that I have added to my vocabulary, courtesy of an amazing friend (seriously, anyone who says "asstard" with any amount of regularity has to be considered amazing). I've realized that my sense of time is off...days and weeks feel like forever ago, but I'll be forty in a minute. I'm going to try harder to feel pretty. I might actually open up that Gaelic book and cd sooner rather than later. I might actually mail in my PC application sooner rather than later. I'm still thinking about moving to NYC, but I'm getting scared (stupidreality). I almost tried to talk to him today. I think going to the gym more would be a good use of my time. I can't wait to have weekends off. Balance is difficult to achieve. I'm a little obsessed with Facebook. My rash from the pool is going away. I'm definitely NOT ready to be a mom, but I'd still like to be one someday. My cat has a really annoying way of being cute...or is it a really cute way of being annoying? I like to burn candles but I often forget to light them. I need to be more involved at home, with my parents and the house, instead of locking myself in my room all the time (probably to feed my facebook obsession and watch The Riches). I wish that wishing made some wishes come true. I wish that wishing was enough. I have to jump through a couple of hoops and meet someone for lunch tomorrow. I firmly believe that everyone should watch and enjoy Firefly. I have ridiculous daydreams. I want Harry Potter to be real. I like my room to be cold at night so I can cuddle under the covers while I sleep. I think I'm more like my cat than I originally thought. I remembered today why I don't like being lied to. Sometimes I go blank when I'm asked a question. I usually feel like there is something perfect I should be saying in every situation, but since I never seem to find those perfect words I generally keep quiet. I wish I could just scream. I'm looking forward to the next time I laugh so hard my belly hurts. I am trying to enjoy every moment of every day. Being present in the present is always so hard- you can usually find me either in the past or the future. "I'm quite ready for another adventure." I have suffered enough, and warred with myself...it's time that I won.

Tears for breakfast

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 11:33:18 GMT

For the past few weeks I have been trying to distract myself by being constantly on the move. Constantly working, constantly going out every night (and I'm not kidding about that, I think I've gotten in a good years worth of nights out in about two weeks). Constantly keeping busy, because if I stay busy, then I'm not alone with myself, I'm not thinking about or looking directly at the mess that is my current life.

It's like having the mindset that if I'm not there to see how messy my bedroom is, I'll never have to clean it.

I've become fairly adept at pushing things to the side. I'm even getting really good at not feeling anything emotionally. Ok, that's not true, exactly. I can push away the emotion, but it comes out physically. I start to feel sick, or tired, or cold, or shaky...but emotionally, nothing. But in the morning...

I hit consciousness, and the very first thing that comes to mind is the mess. I'll think "Oh crap, this happened and I have to deal with it..."

Needless to say, I'm currently trying to deal with a lot of things. I'm missing friends who fell off the face of the planet. I'm sad because a good friend is leaving today, and it makes me feel a little lost. I'm grieving for the month of May. I'm full of a lot of hurt and anger, and I'm breaking my fast with tears.

I know I will not feel like this forever. And I know that I am strong enough to take whatever comes my way. I'll get to work on this mess at some point, and my world will once again fall into place.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are...

take me back to the start.

Bang, bang.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 23:54:36 GMT

I couldn't shoot it any deader than it is.

We'll fill our mouths with cinnamon

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 02:19:16 GMT

ok, so I just felt something itchy on my neck

so I wiped at it

and a friggin' BEETLE fell off

and....I shrieked

and my cat tried to eat it.

Figures.

Life these days (in case you were wondering) is rather bittersweet. It is very similar to coming home after a wonderful day with old friends and new, overflowing with good experiences and a mini-skirt, and possibly a nail or two covered in new shades of nail polish that you were trying out after midnight at Bigg's and laying on your bed...only to discover a FREAKING BEETLE is on your neck.

In other news, you should read The Shack. It's got me crying out to Papa when my heart aches and wishing I could come face to face with Sarayu. A hug from Jesus would not be amiss as well.

My heart is aching less, I suppose. I generally learn by experience...er...repeated experiences, apparently. I think two times is as good a place as any to STOP IT. I am grateful, though, for the ability to care for another person, to discover what love is and isn't, for the sudden knowledge that the damage done by others in my past was not irreversible, to see life and relationships through the eyes of maturity (ish), and to discover more of what it is exactly I want.

I am sad to see what has become of something I had hopes for, to learn that having potential and living up to potential are not the same thing at all, to not be chosen nor fought for, to have to watch another end swiftly approach.

I am thankful that I can withstand it all with hope, understanding, compassion, and...well, I'm just thankful I can withstand it at all.

I'm thankful that I have her (her who is me, the new me, the one I forgot, or lost...) to remind me of what is True. She tells me it is okay, and I think I actually believe her.

Also, I think I hear New York calling my name...

Not anytime soon, of course. I think I'll let the echoes of her calling reverberate inside my head for a good while. It's a beautiful sound. I'd like to savor it.

3 Nights

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 02:40:56 GMT

These past three nights have been amazing. So totally, completely, utterly worth the lack of sleep.

All I can say is I heart Chris and Bob, and possibly the best thing that happened (out of a good many amazing things caught on video and camera) was the 5 minute synopsis followed by the question "Do you like yourself?" That, and the many various ways I could update my facebook status with super inappropriate things.

So here's to good friends both old and new, finding the male version of yourself, and being psychoanalyzed. Here's to tattoos and matches and wild hair, conversation that never stops, and amazing dance moves.

I think I found the sunshine I was looking for.

Reflections

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 04:04:17 GMT

Graduation party.

Candles scented "He loves me" and "So I don't want to go to Church anymore."

Hilarious.

GREAT email from a friend, even though he seemed to think he was saying some hard things.

Loved it.

Not so great email from someone else...disconnection.

So far away, snapped in half, and all I want is to have him here so I have something tangible to hold on to.

Tossed about. Confused. Sad.

More party. Surprise people, surprise conversation, surprise plans.

Something to look forward to, but it also threw me off. Wasn't expecting all that walked in the door.

Move on to the post grad party. Mt. Adams, crazy music, crazy people, deafness.

Did some dancing, had a lot of fun and not too many drinks.

Still, got a lot of attention. Apparently I was "that girl" that everyone was waiting to dance with.

WHAT?!?!?! Seriously? Seriously.

Weird.

Emotional dieting does wonders for a girl's figure. That and a short skirt.

Well, I've always said I'm prettier when alcohol's involved.

Still, all in all, I could use a few more nights like tonight.

I'd rather live in dream land...

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 11:04:59 GMT

I'm feeling a little off at the moment. Off, and sad, because I just woke up and had to leave behind a dream that I much prefer to reality. Okay, maybe just a part of a dream, but it made me so happy to think that it happened, and it's a real let down to wake up and realize that nothing has changed.

My cat is lying up against me, with her head on my arm, and she's purring like she's happy and licking my nose incessantly. It helps, and it's super cute.

In other news, I've been thinking a lot these past two days (ok, really just yesterday and right now) about moving out of Cincinnati. Not that I'm just going to pick up and move, mind you. I'm just giving the issue some thought. A long time ago I decided that I didn't want to stay in Cincy forever, but that I probably wouldn't leave until I had a reason to. I mean, my friends and the majority of my family are here: I can't really see myself just packing up and heading off to an unknown city where I don't know anyone. It sounds romantic and exciting, but my life is SO not a movie. *sigh* I figured that a good reason to leave would be b/c of a spouse or significant other, if that's what we decided was best. That idea I'm okay with, even excited about.

Can't really say what's brought on these thoughts. Maybe it's partly due to seeing friends move on, go live in other countries, pick up and move to NY, and I feel left behind ? Like I'm the only one not moving anywhere? Or maybe I'm just wanting to escape things right now, and that's why I'm feeling ready to pick up and move to Chicago, just because someone said that a good dance in Cincinnati is a bad dance in Chicago. Yes, I'm talking about moving just so's I can get better dancing. Maybe it's a control thing...right now, I feel like everything is out of my control, like I'm the only stationary thing in this whirlwind of chaos, and everything just slips through my fingers.

Maybe, instead of moving, I should focus more on investing in experiences. Travel more, go to more Swing events and exchanges, gain more experience as a dancer, and meet more people. I miss school in a way, but I'm excited that I'll be able to pursue dancing more seriously now, and I'm looking forward to getting out of here to dance in new places. Of course, a real job would probably help with that a lot.

In other news, it's been awesome to discover that I'm healthy. Maybe not so much physically, although....I've lost over 10 pounds now, which is nice. I mean more that I have healthy desires for things. Also, I think that I've been handling things that have arisen in a healthy manner. Not a perfect manner, because that's a horse of a different color...but just from a healthier perspective. An ability to take hard things and try to make something good come from it.

Mostly, I've just been excited to see that I am a stronger woman than I was a year ago. I'm not so easily broken, and while I still feel things pretty deeply, there is this sense of being strong. I don't really know how to describe it except to say I didn't feel this way a year ago.

Part of me is chalking it up to my new attitude I talked about in April. That new attitude has essentially disappeared, but occasionally it resurfaces to remind me to just be who I am, and damn the consequences and the worry. She comes out to tell me that it's okay if things don't work out, it's okay to not be in control. She tells me other things too, but those are too private for this. :)

I've been thinking about her a lot these past few days. How I was so happy to find her, to start to be her...to be happy with who I was, to find contentment within myself, instead of running around trying to be everyone else. How I lost touch with her as I found new areas of insecurity to deal with. Instead of being who I was, I started trying to hide certain parts of me, because I was afraid I'd be rejected.

Last night W mentioned that I had seemed a lot happier these past weeks, and attributed it to graduation and getting licensed. I smiled and nodded, but truth be told, I was a little confused. These past weeks have been hard for me, so what is it in my life that is giving me this happiness?

A new job? My relationship/s? All Balboa Weekend? Dancing? Passing my licensure? My newfound ability to hide how I'm really feeling? Ha. There's been a ton of good things in my life these past few months, even though things have been hard and stressful too. Sometimes they go hand in hand.

Ugh, I really hate the state of Ohio. I just found out that now I have to apply for PC status, which means I have to shell out more money (more? really?) and fax a gazillion things in....THIS IS FREAKING RIDICULOUS!!! Let's just find the most difficult way of accomplishing these things, and make that the standard procedure why don't we! GAH!.

Actually, I'm more amused than anything....because it's so true that when it rains it pours. All over the freakin' place... I'm soaked! Anyone want to be my umbrella, ella, ella, eh eh eh....?

Today

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 00:44:55 GMT

Well, here comes a post that is entirely made up of my day. I was hoping I'd get to share it verbally, but that doesn't seem to be happening, so here it goes onto the internet. Do with it what you will, or some such jazz.

This morning wasn't so great. If you look at my previous post, I pretty much was feeling all of that. Numb, mostly, at first, and then BAM! Let's just try to feel everything humanly and inhumanly possible...all at once. Just for kicks.

So I took a nap, which helped. Then I got a call from my job saying that I'm not legally covered to teach swim lessons until I take this training course, which I can take on monday. So, then they asked if I could come in and shadow. Then they called again a little later and basically told me not to come in this week, there was issues with payroll and all sorts of fun stuff.

At this point, I'm doing ok, but then I start to panic a little about finances. Before I can go too far in this direction, however, I discover an envelope from my school on the kitchen table. Inside is a refund tuition check...and it's made out to me! This was the highlight of my day...I was seriously so excited.

Then I called up my good friend Chris, and we hit a double feature at the Danbarry: The Bucket List, and The Forbidden City. Holy crap is bucket list good, and forbidden city bad. I'm not even kidding you.

I ended up crying through most of the bucket list though, partly because of the content, and partly because the content made me sad, which opened up that well of emotion I'd been mostly successful at repressing, and then I was just crying because I needed to. Spent the half hour between movies talking with Chris in the hallway, which was...nice, and low pressure, with good insight and encouragement offered in only the way Chris can say it. I can't tell you how much that helped.

Then we watched The Forbidden City, which was awful and funny at the same time. And then we thought maybe we should actually eat food, and so we walked around Newport to no avail. Actually, we never did get food....I drank water when we got back to his house.

And now I'm just exhausted, and ready for some shut-eye. Not sure what tomorrow is going to bring, but I suspect more of the same.