|
| There was this boy, and he was my friend. Just my friend, no more, no less. But, he was the only friend who seemed to care. Who I could sit with and he would listen. He could tell my moods and my feelings. He stuck up with me when the time was right, and he poked fun when he knew I could take it.
I have been with a lot of boys, a lot of mistakes. He's the first one who I let in, who I let into my mind, not knowing if he felt the same back. The first one. I was not prepared.
And the day came, when he left, forever.
I don't know if this was better, or worse.
I'd rather have him here, and not have him feel the same way.
Then have him thousands of miles away, and never know.
I didn't let him see me cry, he couldn't know. He thought it was strong when it came to things, and I couldn't let him down. When he reached to hug me, I couldn't. Because I knew that if I let him touch me like that, I could break down. I dodged him, and reached for his hand, because a hand shake would have to suffice. And the only words I could utter out were "It was nice knowing you". He laughed at me, because he couldn't think I was being serious. Because this wasn't me. And he said "Nice knowing you too?", and he tried to hold onto my hand, but I pulled, and I didn't sprint, because then he'd know I cared. I walked away, and he said my name, but I couldn't deal with this.
Sometimes when I'm walking or driving or thinking, I think I see him. And I get excited, and I want to stop. And let him hold my hand one more time. And let myself tell him the truth.
But then I remember he's 1000 miles away, and that this person that I see is merely a look-a-like.
I want to remember him forever,
but I know I can't.
And I want to find him someday,
because he left me with nothing.
But I know I can't.
And so I sit,
and try to be perfect,
and hoping, that maybe another boy will come along.
And I'll be able to tell him what I'm feeling.
But I highly doubt it.
| | |
| I don't why I haven't been posting, and really, I don't have a reasonable excuse.
I'm on the computer everyday, myspace-ing it up. Working on homework. All that jack shit.
I think I'm scared. Because I love this. I love not eating and I love the feeling it gives me. Because I feel so much stronger than everyone else around me. It feels so good.
It shouldn't feel that good, but it does.
But I haven't been able to make myself feel good lately.
I need to.
I've been grounded for a month. Just got off today.
Maybe it's being home all the time, around all the FREE food.
[I've realized it's so much easier not eating when you go to restaurants, and you say you don't have money. Unless you're drunk. In which case, if I don't eat, it means I will be puking on someones car floor. No fun.]
ANYWAYS.
Awhile back I wrote an entry for this blog. It was long. And I never claim to write, or be a writer. But something about what I wrote made me cry. Because it was good. Because it was me. Because that boy was the one who I wanted to read the entry. To let him know how I felt. But I didn't. And I didn't talk to him. And I miss him. Because I know I'll never see him again.
And if I do, I feel like everything we had will have faded.
I just. Never want to eat again. And never touch a boy again.
Well, at least I can fulfill the first one.
Excuse the spelling mistakes if there are any, I'm just a bit lazy. And I need to shower.
| | |
| Yesterday, I bet my friend that she couldn't not eat for a week.
And she bet me back.
So here it is.
Under 200 calories a day.
This should be fun.
Of course, I'm going to win.
| | |
| He looks at her, and she sees. And she smiles, that bashful smile that has gotten her into trouble so many times. And he winks. And she gives herself a mental high five, because she's reeled him in again.
And he watches her. And she knows its wrong. She knows that his glances and her thoughts are already going too far. But she doesn't care. She wants to be his. Even if it's just for one night, one day. She could deal with one hour. She wants him to hold her. She wants everyone else gone. She wants him and only him right then.
He's the only one of them who ever cared. The one that made sure she was alright. The one that knew what she was thinking, the one that knew how to help.
She wants to be his. Even if it's just for one night, one day. She gives herself all the hope in the world, just by one wink.
---------------
Today:
B- Nothing
L- Life Water, 130 Calories.
D- TBA
S- TBA
Today's going to be hard, but I can do it.
Good luck
Stay strong <3
| | |
| I have a friend, a best friend you can call her. Thick and thin and everything else has come and we've finally made it. And sometimes I wish I was her, and sometimes she wishes she was me.
And she says, "You're situations are golden", and I tell her I wish. Just because I'm free doesn't mean anything. And when I kiss a boy I'm not looking for anything besides a kiss. But when he kisses her, the last thing she feels is "it's just a kiss". She saw me cry when he left, and she saw me cry when he came back. And I saw her fall out love like it was just nothing. And I say "You're attitude is golden", and she tells me she wishes.
We both have our canvases. And we both can paint them where ever. But I'd rather paint mine next to hers.
-----------
Why has eating become a reflex?
I'm scared that I'll be this forever.
And, I can't do it.
| | |
|
