Currently Listening The Special Two EP By Missy Higgins see related

alrighty so yea my life has been the most complicated thing ever... like honestly does junior year have to be this hard i mean this is just ridiculous.. i am barely passing math at the moment  i currently have a 66 average and i NEED to do like amazing on the next test because i really want to do well i want to prove to my parent's that i can handle everything that i am involved in at the moment... but i am not failing math with a lack of effort i am failing because it is ridiculously hard an unneccesary to take... besides the fact that i have the single most obnoxious person sitting behind me... honestly your comments are not needed you failed your first attempt at math B so please don't make fun of me in my attempt... if you were as smart as you say you are you would not be in my class miss sip

then i have my current dilemma with one of my best friends.. like i don't understand people like i do realize i made a spectacle when it was not necessary and i have admitted to being wrong but there was a reason behind it and i was right in what i said.. i understand where he is coming from like yes you do need time to spend with your girlfriend and i think your relationship is sweet and great but you can't forget who your friends are and you say that you are not forgetting but come on lets get serious... you have become a completely different person since you have become friends with a certain group of people and you aren't the best friend you used to be... every girl has that one guy who is there best friend.. that one guy who tells them everything and you tell them everything... but those relationships unfortunately are effected by relationships with girlfriends and boyfriends... and when me and vinny started going out i did by best to make sure i was always with my friends and i always talked to my best guy friend and vinny undertstood that... but this kid doesn't seem to realize the fact that he doesn't talk to me the way he used to.. that since a certain time we barely even talk about our personal lives... we have breakfest in the morning and thats really it... throughout the day he is to busy impressing the assholes in the school or being with tweedle dee and tweedle dum and thats his decision to make and his life.. but i don't know i just feel like once again i am being replaced by someone who was my best friend... and it sucks to have to go through this for the second time...and it sucks because he doesn't see it just like the other one doesn't see it... but hey thats just what i think

i don't what it is about this year but i have no patience and i really don't like who i have become i am gaining weight like crazy and i am just not a good person... so i am turning over a new leaf... i am going to try my best not to talk about people behind their backs.. i am going to try to curse a lot less... i am going to try to be healthier not eating as much junk... more salads and stuff less candy and the bull crap i eat... i really just want to be a new person.. the old person i used to be =)

Currently Listening Hairspray (2002 Original Broadway Cast) By Marc Shaiman, Scott Wittman, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Harvey Fierstein, Kerry Butler it takes two see related

okay so life has become this crazy topsey turvey life that i just want to become normal... i feel like i never sleep and i just wake up go to school stay there most of my life come home eat and then shower and sleep... its a never ending process but don't get me wrong... musical is my favorite time of year but i don't think that is what is wrong with me... like rehersal is one of the funniest things i will ever take part in but why im i just so unhappy all the gosh darn time... it seems everyday in school i am just like moping around from class to class that i really have no enjoyment in being there with an exception of a few classes but otherwise i feel like school is like my prison.

that place is just soooo different this year you know i feel like im a ghost and i just travel from place to place not being recognized and the people that i love aren't really there... like my best friends are there but how many times a day do i see them... and then there is him... he was my WHOLE world last year... my reason to show up everyday now he is gone and i am barely getting by... now my next group of seniors are going to be leaving and that is going to suck... like two of those senior mean alot to me... like i have been close to them since my freshman year and now i am forced to imagine what that class is going to be like without them... oh lord please kll me now... save me the misery

Why do i take everything so friggen personal.. like these kids leaving really affects me or something... they are just people sure they are most of my heart but still i will always keep in touch with them and i will make damn sure i hang out with them.. it will be okay without them... a lot less entertaining but okay... cause i still have my KAtEJAM =)

i think i will make it through all this but i will still cry because i love them so much and i hope they know that =)

then there is Him<3 ... where do i start with him.. there are times when me and him couldn't be more perfect for each other... like when we are jsut hanging out together at his house watching a movie or something i honestly wouldn't want to be anywhere else... and then we are seperated and sometimes is works and then there are other times where im not sure if i am going to make it... when we fight i get so angry that i honestly feel that we can't be together and then i stop and think and i realize what the hell am i talking about i don't want to leave him... but then it feels like he doesn't care when we are seperated like when he is with his friends they are his main priority and i don't really matter like i knoe we need our own friends and stuff but even when i am hanging out with them if he calls i take a few minutes out and try to talk to him like that seems impossible to him like that isn't even a thought

why do i feel like i fight harder to keep us together and he just feels like i love you and i don't want to lose you but if we have any problems I have to be the one to fix it... that he knows i will call him... maybe that should change? =/

hello loverrs

i can't believe today was my last day of spring break...and it wasn't even pretty outside...and i was at work all day and that was super duper gayy...i freaking hate when parent's are your manager at work and say don't work jacqui can do it if you need her...even though jacqui hates working in battery park with a sick passion and not only are we gunna make her work there no we are also going to put her in the busiest window so that was the people never stop coming and it was soo freaking aggrevating...i sold more tickets in my window then both people in LSP depressing yes because i was supposed to be there ughhh i hate retarded parents.

So yea as on myspace before and i read this thing about a girl who was killed on thursday...and it broke my heart to read all the comments her friends left for her and what they said about her and stuff...and it made me stop and think what would happen to me if i lost any of the people who hold me up and keep me sane. or what if i lost him because he was like murdered when he was walking home...i really don't think i would be able to handle losing any of my friends and losing him might just end my world...i knoe i might sound like this dramatic teenager but im serious...my friends are the reason i get up every day the reason i deal with teachers in school and to lose one of them just wouldn't work for me...and then there is himm <3 i can barely go a couple of days w/o talking to him and to have to live the rest of my life never seeing him never getting a hug from him never having him hold me in his arms when im upset and need someone to talk to would just be intolerable...but what if i die...would anyone one truly be effected if i died...would my friends feel the same way i would if i lost any of them...would he feel the empty space in his heart that i would if something happened to me...would i get the heart felt comments saying how much i was truly loved...or about how i will be missed...how i touched everyone's life and how they wish it never happened...or will everyone tell me their true feelings on how they never really liked me and they just dealt with me cause i was something to laugh about when i wasn't there. will anyone show up to my funeral and have something nice to say about me or will the pews of the church be empty...will the only people who show up to pay their final respects be my parent's who wish their daughter was sometimes smarter, nicer, less of an obnoxious brat...or maybe a brother and his girlfriend who might miss me but hey now they don't have to deal with the annoying pesky sister.

i dunno its thoughts like these that scare me...because maybe this is what my future hold...maybe this is what the people who i love more then my life really think of me...or maybe im a complete and udder moron who has to learn to see how much my family really loves me...and how lucky i am to have my friends who i knoe really do love me even though im a bit of a retard...and maybe i should also open my eyes and see him...the guy who has been waiting around for some nothing sophomore for almost 6 months now...the guy that has always been able to put a smile on my face no matter what the situation...the guy who i am soo lucky to have but have been soo blind to see it...all i knoe is that i am lucky to have what i have and i hope i never have to see the day where it is all taken away from me...cause if that day comes anytime soon i don't think i will be able to survive it =(

Currently Listening Armageddon: The Album By Various Artists see related

- Don't wanna miss a thing

She's Miss America and Im just the girl nextdoor </3

today was pretty gayy and i just can't wait for it to be over...homeroom me and jess and amanda were talking bout wayne's world it was pretty amusing lol...then english was extremely gayy and boring cause all we did was read frankenstein...math connell tried to trick me but i caught him haha...global i don't even knoe what was going on gebbia was just talking and i wrote vinn a note <3...Spanish we went over new words and we were supposed to write a new dialogue but me and kathryn talked instead (=...religon i think i slept but i could be wrong i don't remember...pa we had ms bayick as a sub and she made me do my scene = gay then i like slept on katie for the rest of the period...earth science copied like a million notes and mr g was flipping out like usual you knoe the regular...lunch i went to the pizza place with joe conte marissa and vinn then we came back to school for rehersals and i finally hit a point where i couldn't take it anymore and just broke down and cried...the events of today just made like lose it i couldn't take it anymore...Im sorry that im making everyone else upset cause of what im doing im sorry that im disappointing all of you right now and you all think i am and "idiot" or "im acting stupid" "i love you-but why" these are the comments that i get everyday from the people that i love more then any word webster came up with can describe...and everyday i just deal with it i try to laugh it off or something but i don't knoe if i could do it anymore...i was barely able to do it...i just wanted to sit there and cry the entire time i was at the pizza place...like i understand your his best friend i understand that you want whats best for him but my best friends want whats best for me and they all think that he fills that position perfectly but not once have any one of them made me sit somewhere and cry...not once have any of them made me feel like i am not even worth being on the bottom of their shoe...not once have any of my friends left me out that i ave had to walk alone because your too good to talk to me like a normal person...i don't knoe why so many people see this kidd on such a high level cause right now i don't want to see this person at all...great job el cantante =/