Currently Gaming Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion Collector's Edition (DVD-ROM) By 2K Games see related

Hello, e-peons!

Given the eventual immenence of presidential elections, I think it's my personal patriotic duty to inform you, the electoral pond-scum of America, of the options placed before you on the grand executive menu. Traditionally speaking, there are only two real options when deciding whom to cast your ballot for; the U.S. Democratic Party (www.PleaseGodAnybodyButHilary2008.com) and the U.S. Republican Party (www.PleaseGodAnybodyButPatRobertson.com).

However, I feel you all should know that there are plenty of alternative choices available to the discerning voter. After all, isn't the very essence of the American Dream the ability of any Average Joe with four teeth and a fifth-grade level education to declare himself a demigod and run for the position of Leader of The Free World? Of course it is! That and having car parts strewn about your lawn alongside month-old uncashed Alimony checks. So here, for all the world to see, is a clear and concise listing of your other-party choices. For your convenience, I've chosen to leave out the truly whack-job outfits populated solely by pajama-sporting misfits, such as The Libertarian Party and anything that has ever so much as snorted the name Ralph Nader, and list only those parties with which you, the choosy balloteer, might wish to identify yourself for years of potential shame and social ostricization to come.

WARNING: THIS SECTION CONTAINS BLATANT AND EXTREMELY LUDICROUS ATTEMPTS BY THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO PUT SOMEONE WHO EXPRESSES THEIR IDIOTIC VIEWS INTO OFFICE. I ABSOLUTELY SWEAR THAT I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP- IT'S ALL REAL FOLKS.

The American Party_ Thank goodness, here's an honest to goodness American political party concerned to all hades with your protection from all enemies, both foreign and domestic. Unfortunately, in the eys of th AP, these ominous enemies include none other than the Rockefellers, the New World Order, the Illuminati, the UN, Communists, and Jews. Thank you, American Party, for keeping our nation safe!

Christian Falangist Party of America_ This fun-loving group of individuals has banded together to promote such old-fashioned Biblical values as wearing jackboots and tattooing swastikas onto their shaved white heads. To show just how scriptural their doctrine really is, they have adopted as their party-platform icons such beloved church leaders as Benito Mussolini and Fransisco Franco. Mmm... just like Mary used to make!

The Pan-Sexual Peace Party_ Rather than saying something witty about this particular group of imbiciles, I will simply quote their stated party motto, word-for-word. It goes, "Sex is Good, Sex is Great, Yaay Sex!". Yes folks, long has this country needed a political interest group based around the needs of bong-wielding, viagra-popping horndogs named Moonflower. Thank you PPP, we salute you!

Libertarian National Socialist Green Party_ Any history buffs out there? For those of you unfamiliar with the term "National Socialist", let's brew up a little historical bullet point menu to jog your memory.

Things the original National Socialist Party accomplished:                                               1. Started World War II       2. Exterminated more than 6.3 million Jews       3. Wore dorky-looking riding pants with the thighs puffed out really huge so that they looked like angry Aryan J-Lo's wearing monocals.

Got it yet? That's right, Nazis! And on a further note, the "Green" in the party's official name indicates a concern for matters affecting or damaging the natural environment. So, at long last, we have within our borders an organization comprised entirely of Politically Correct, multicultural/multiracial, hemp-smoking, tree-hugging Nazi Stormtroopers. No Joke. As well as combining your usual Environmentalist/Militant Fascist agendas, they are also apparently dedacated to the preservation of "conventionally repressed Nazi history". In fact, as soon as you log on to their site, you will be treated to the heartwarming tale of how environmentally-minded Aryan scientists established a number of centers for the advancement of the Human race on the moon as early as 1942. Blumen, Blumen ueber alles!

American Nazi Party/American Communist Party_ These are both italian words for 'penguin'.

Family Values Party_ The spiritual brainchild of noted theologian and raving lunatic Tom Wells (the party's only candidate). According to his party website, which by the way does not look at all as though it were encoded by retarded orangutans, Wells declares that one night in his sleep he was instructed by God to run for president. That's a pretty good premise for a political party to have, especially when it seems to hold no discernable oppinion of anything else. Incidentally, God has also commanded all of you to vote for him, so hop to it!

Natural Law Party_ One of the countless parties with which of course we're all familiar  based on the teachings of renowned politician and crackhead Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (a.k.a. Billy). This somewhat, er... unique little group is founded on the idea that everything on earth in fact works around a system of cosmic vibrations, which can be positively influenced by regular transcendental meditation excercizes. No word yet from the Yogi on the situation in Iraq, but it would seem that his position on marijuana legalization is positive, to say the least. Interesting factoid: in the 2000 Presidential Primary, this party recieved a total of 83,000 votes nationwide.

World Socialist Party USA_ According to their site, this party runs on a clearly logical political platform, whereby its members are not allowed to vote. That is, they can't  vote for anybody, not even other party members. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Grassroots Party/U.S. Marijuana Party/U.S. Pot Party_ Exactly what it sounds like.

The Revolution_ This party's scary and somewhat dramatic-sounding official name belies the fact that they appear to stand for absolutely nothing apart from the legalization of a number of vices, namely drug use and prostitution. Expecting bloody hands holding AK-47's (and maybe some fuzzy handcuffs), I was surprised to see that they had opted for a rather, um, cuter look for their Revolution. Rainbows. Lots of Rainbows. And a smiley face. Totally serious here.

So, there you go. Don't you feel more educated? No? Not even a little bit? Okay, fine. I guess I'll just go back to slaying ogres and throwing balls of fire around.

Good night, good luck, and vote safely!

Now, get me a sandwich!

Currently Gaming Silent Hill 4 for Xbox By Konami see related

Hello, e-peons!

I realize that it has been a while since my last update, but I hope you can all understand my sound reasons: I have suddenly begun to hate you. Wait, no... I was going to say something a lot easier to sympathize with. Oh well, I guess the cat's out of the bag now anyway.

Moving on to the topic of High School drama, there seems to have been an intense spike these past few weeks of what is scientifically referred to by my colleagues as "dumb High School dating crap". Allow me to illustrate via an off-the-cuff parable entitled "The Saga of Bob and Bobette".

One day, many hours ago in a faraway land called The Miamisburg Commons, a young angst-ridden, hormonally unbalanced, slightly overweight teenage girl named Bobette was pouring her heart out to her best friend Bobina. "Bobina", she cried, "Bob's just been arrested by the po-po! They say he set my ex-boyfreind's car on fire for having possibly one day made a grunting sound that could be taken in some bizarre African language as something moderately offensive toward me!" Just then a messenger arrived, carrying a tear-stained and horribly misspelled note written in what appeared to be prison tattoo ink. Bobette picked it up and read: This is teh furst chans i got 2 wright 2 u. it Is bad here. It is not fuhn here. wunted 2 tell u that I hearded what u sead abowt us and it is not kool and now I will killz myseff goodbyy wurld (Bang I is ded uuug...) "No!" she shrieked, tears welling up in her eyes, dripping cheap blackish-green eyeliner down her Green Day shirt. "I don't know what I'll do without him! Those were the most magical two and a half days of my life." And with that, Bobette pulled out a safety pin from her pants and stabbed herself 14,896 times with it, killing herself instantly. Just then, Ricardo walked up and grunted. "Ricardo!" exclaimed Bobina, "Why did you have to make Bob burn your car?" "Silence, wench!" he cried, and with that they started to make out. "I've always loved you, Ricardo!" whispered Bobina. "I know", he replied, "but we can never be together." He started to tear up as he spoke. "Bobina, I just found out that I'm... I'm... a lesbian!" Bobina gasped, clearly puzzled. "But you're a boy..." she said. "I KNOW!" he screamed, "I need some time to figue this thing out. Besides, my dad just kicked me out of the house for selling part of his secret stash of crack to pay Bob's bail." At that moment, a meteor crashed to Earth and they both died, though due to the size and velocity of the meteor nobody else in the Commons was hurt. Then a fight broke out over half a cookie.

This would be a whole lot funnier if crap like this didn't happen every single day of my school life. Except for the meteors. None of those so far.

Now, get me a sandwich!

Bailey &Coaco

Bailey

Coaco

Photography by the one and only Daniel L. Parson

Currently Watching Titus see related

Hello e-peons!

Given the imminence of Guvenitorial Elections, I'm sure the more politically inclined among us have noticed somewhat of a... decline in campaign measures as of late. For hypothetical purposes, lets look at the heated race between the semi-fictional candidates Mr. Doodlethorpe and Mr. Crubbs, exemplified by the following semi-fictional radio announcements...

This is Allan Doodlethorpe with an urgent message for all Ohio voters. Due to the exponential increase in the number of drug-related shootings in the Cincinatti area, I have proposed a plan to entirely eliminate all drugs within Ohio's state limits. I will accomplish this by calling down my supernatural rays of sun-shiney goodness and morality upon each and every house in this great state. My opponent, however, has never openly commented on this matter. Perhaps it's because he's been too busy... busy EATING BABIES! (Sounds of static...)

I, David Crubbs, have personally brought to justice more then thirty-five members of a local Al-Qaeda cell throughout my distinguished six-year political career. However, during the course of my daily conversations with both Billy Grahm and the Khoffi Anan, I have ascertained that my opponent, Doodlethorpe, has in fact been involved with former SS members for the past two decades in persecuting and, whenever possible, bludgeoning members of the Lord's chosen people, the minorities. (Static...)

As the totally unaltered photograph appearing on my official campaign website clearly shows, our old friend Crubbs here has a nasty little habit of dancing naked around an inverted crucifix while passing around a crack pipe fashioned crudely from the bones of St. Peter... (Static...)

...this completely authentic image of my opponent Doodlethorpe, getting wild at a certain mansion named after a certain well-known adult publication, in the company of best friends Jefferey Dahmer, Antiochus IV and Hitler... (Static)

Wouldn't it be nice to have a governor who wasn't afraid of foreigners and minority groups? Well, as my impressive array of mistresses will clearly show... (Static)

Doodlethorpe has allegedly promised that, if elected, he will come to your house and kill your beloved pets with a waffle iron. If I am elected, however, I solemnly swear to institute justice, freedom and free healthcare for all... (Static)

...wherein, under my opponent's traffic law revisions, it is estimated yearly traffic-related fatalities in the Dayton-Metro area alone will rise by as much as 24 Billion, which campaign sources indicate is more than four times the current population of Earth... (Static)

Totally Unslanted Research Co. has indicated a more than 600% chance that my opponent is a poo-poo-head... (Static)

Paid for by the offices of Allan Doodlethorpe, 2006, completely devoid of contributions by organized crime syndicates or any organization employing more than 800 illegal Latin American immigrants per thousand... (Static)

...side-effects-may-include-nausea-indigestion-heartburn-pregnancy-cancer-Irishness-hemophilia-vampirism-incontenency-war-munchies-death-damnation-or-sexual-dysfunction. Do-not-take-Crubbs-if-you-are-pregnant-nursing-insane-dead-gay-or-South-African. Call-your-doctor-if-effects-last-longer-than-acceptable-term-of-office-under-U.S.-Constitution.

Now, get me a sandwich!