| | Hello, e-peons!
Given the eventual immenence of presidential elections, I think it's my personal patriotic duty to inform you, the electoral pond-scum of America, of the options placed before you on the grand executive menu. Traditionally speaking, there are only two real options when deciding whom to cast your ballot for; the U.S. Democratic Party (www.PleaseGodAnybodyButHilary2008.com) and the U.S. Republican Party (www.PleaseGodAnybodyButPatRobertson.com).
However, I feel you all should know that there are plenty of alternative choices available to the discerning voter. After all, isn't the very essence of the American Dream the ability of any Average Joe with four teeth and a fifth-grade level education to declare himself a demigod and run for the position of Leader of The Free World? Of course it is! That and having car parts strewn about your lawn alongside month-old uncashed Alimony checks. So here, for all the world to see, is a clear and concise listing of your other-party choices. For your convenience, I've chosen to leave out the truly whack-job outfits populated solely by pajama-sporting misfits, such as The Libertarian Party and anything that has ever so much as snorted the name Ralph Nader, and list only those parties with which you, the choosy balloteer, might wish to identify yourself for years of potential shame and social ostricization to come.
WARNING: THIS SECTION CONTAINS BLATANT AND EXTREMELY LUDICROUS ATTEMPTS BY THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO PUT SOMEONE WHO EXPRESSES THEIR IDIOTIC VIEWS INTO OFFICE. I ABSOLUTELY SWEAR THAT I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP- IT'S ALL REAL FOLKS.
The American Party_ Thank goodness, here's an honest to goodness American political party concerned to all hades with your protection from all enemies, both foreign and domestic. Unfortunately, in the eys of th AP, these ominous enemies include none other than the Rockefellers, the New World Order, the Illuminati, the UN, Communists, and Jews. Thank you, American Party, for keeping our nation safe!
Christian Falangist Party of America_ This fun-loving group of individuals has banded together to promote such old-fashioned Biblical values as wearing jackboots and tattooing swastikas onto their shaved white heads. To show just how scriptural their doctrine really is, they have adopted as their party-platform icons such beloved church leaders as Benito Mussolini and Fransisco Franco. Mmm... just like Mary used to make!
The Pan-Sexual Peace Party_ Rather than saying something witty about this particular group of imbiciles, I will simply quote their stated party motto, word-for-word. It goes, "Sex is Good, Sex is Great, Yaay Sex!". Yes folks, long has this country needed a political interest group based around the needs of bong-wielding, viagra-popping horndogs named Moonflower. Thank you PPP, we salute you!
Libertarian National Socialist Green Party_ Any history buffs out there? For those of you unfamiliar with the term "National Socialist", let's brew up a little historical bullet point menu to jog your memory.
Things the original National Socialist Party accomplished: 1. Started World War II 2. Exterminated more than 6.3 million Jews 3. Wore dorky-looking riding pants with the thighs puffed out really huge so that they looked like angry Aryan J-Lo's wearing monocals.
Got it yet? That's right, Nazis! And on a further note, the "Green" in the party's official name indicates a concern for matters affecting or damaging the natural environment. So, at long last, we have within our borders an organization comprised entirely of Politically Correct, multicultural/multiracial, hemp-smoking, tree-hugging Nazi Stormtroopers. No Joke. As well as combining your usual Environmentalist/Militant Fascist agendas, they are also apparently dedacated to the preservation of "conventionally repressed Nazi history". In fact, as soon as you log on to their site, you will be treated to the heartwarming tale of how environmentally-minded Aryan scientists established a number of centers for the advancement of the Human race on the moon as early as 1942. Blumen, Blumen ueber alles!
American Nazi Party/American Communist Party_ These are both italian words for 'penguin'.
Family Values Party_ The spiritual brainchild of noted theologian and raving lunatic Tom Wells (the party's only candidate). According to his party website, which by the way does not look at all as though it were encoded by retarded orangutans, Wells declares that one night in his sleep he was instructed by God to run for president. That's a pretty good premise for a political party to have, especially when it seems to hold no discernable oppinion of anything else. Incidentally, God has also commanded all of you to vote for him, so hop to it!
Natural Law Party_ One of the countless parties with which of course we're all familiar based on the teachings of renowned politician and crackhead Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (a.k.a. Billy). This somewhat, er... unique little group is founded on the idea that everything on earth in fact works around a system of cosmic vibrations, which can be positively influenced by regular transcendental meditation excercizes. No word yet from the Yogi on the situation in Iraq, but it would seem that his position on marijuana legalization is positive, to say the least. Interesting factoid: in the 2000 Presidential Primary, this party recieved a total of 83,000 votes nationwide.
World Socialist Party USA_ According to their site, this party runs on a clearly logical political platform, whereby its members are not allowed to vote. That is, they can't vote for anybody, not even other party members. Yeah, I don't get it either.
Grassroots Party/U.S. Marijuana Party/U.S. Pot Party_ Exactly what it sounds like.
The Revolution_ This party's scary and somewhat dramatic-sounding official name belies the fact that they appear to stand for absolutely nothing apart from the legalization of a number of vices, namely drug use and prostitution. Expecting bloody hands holding AK-47's (and maybe some fuzzy handcuffs), I was surprised to see that they had opted for a rather, um, cuter look for their Revolution. Rainbows. Lots of Rainbows. And a smiley face. Totally serious here.
So, there you go. Don't you feel more educated? No? Not even a little bit? Okay, fine. I guess I'll just go back to slaying ogres and throwing balls of fire around.
Good night, good luck, and vote safely!
Now, get me a sandwich!
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