I am a person who likes to help other people.  I have a gift that enables me to see people's pain, to understand what they are doing wrong, and to want to help them fix it.  I feel like God has given me the ability to see the way things could be: the way things should be, and I want to help others see it as well. 

Its not that I think I'm better than others, or that I think I know anything better than someone else might.  Its not even that I want to 'fix' everyone and make them the way I want them to be.  Its that I hate to see people in pain.  I hate to see people hurting...struggling...lost.  I hurt for them.  I hate to see my friends in pain, to see them grieving, to see them following a path that I know will hurt them worse in the end.  And I desperately want to help them.

Sometimes I wish I could make decisions for other people.  I know its kind of arrogant, and I 'm definitely not saying that I would be right all the time or that it would even be a very good thing; I make plenty of stupid decisions all by myself.  I just hate to see them dying inside. I hate to see the pain in their eyes that they try so hard to mask.  I hate it.  Even when I'm not being irrational enough to think that I could fix people, I still wish I could help them.  I wish I could be there all the time to wipe their tears away, to hold them when they are alone, to comfort them when they are distressed, or to just listen to them when they need to talk.  But I can't.

Especially recently, this has hit me very hard.  I have a friend who lives all the way on the other side of the United States.  She is struggling with alot of stuff right now, and I really wish I could just be there to hold her, to try to make her understand how loved she is, to try and let her know that the God who gives me the ability to love, loves her soooo much more than she could ever dream or imagine...but I am here.  I only get to talk to her when she get bored and wants to call me.  I have a friend who lives right here in Searcy who is struggling with some of the most difficult issues that I can imagine.  He is fighting a battle that, right now, he feels like he is losing so much that he just doesn't even want to fight anymore.  That devastates me.  The fact that I am able to talk with him, and let him know that people still care for him, and that, hypothetically from his point of view, there is still hope and there is still victory, just seems weak.  I have another friend in a not so distant state that struggles with depression.  Although she seems to be doing much better, I know it is still a fight for her.  I know that she has bad days, and I so wish I could be there to hug her and tell her that everything will be alright; that she is an amazing friend and that I count myself more than blessed to call her my friend.  She is graduating and is unsure what the future holds, and I want to be there for that struggle but, again, she is there, and I am here, and our schedules are so busy that sometimes we just don't have to time to even talk on the phone.  There is another friend here that is going through a dark time as well.  I wish I could help him, encourage him, just listen to him talk about stuff, but we are not really talking right now, and I am trying to respect him and give him his space.  I wish so much that I could talk to him and try to understand why things are going they way they are going...but I know that just can't happen right now.

So I am at an impasse.  I am at a point in my life where for the people in my life that I love the most, who are struggling the most, I have no ability to help them.  It is a very strong feeling of helplessness. 

But in this helplessness, I have come to an equally strong realization.  Sadly enough, its a realization I should have come to years and years ago.  I can listen to my friends, give them advice when they request it, or just try to help them in any way that I can, but I really cannot help them.  When I finally came to this conclusion, I realized that there is only one thing I can do, and that is to ask for help from the One Being who actually can do something. This despair has driven me to pray like I have never had the motivation to pray before. 

And I guess thats the way it is meant to be.  "In our weakness, He is made strong". 

I am weak right now, Lord, make my prayers strong. 

I'm praying for you. 

I never update this stupid thing.  Sigh.  I guess I just have to get in the mood. And lucky for you, my one reader, that mood is now!

Sometimes we don't learn as quickly as we should.  I think it may be part of the human condition.  There are so many times in my life where I learn something really important...just to forget it a few weeks later.  My time with God is one of those things. 

My entire life I have struggled to make that time a priority...but I alway forget why...I always forget how amazing it is.  Our lives are so complicated.  Our entire Christian life, for example, is a huge matter of forsaking this old self that is no longer relevant, and remembering our true identity: the new man that Christ has given us.  And if we focus on that huge complexity, its pretty much overwhelming.  But the only thing we should be focusing on, is that new identity.  If we only do that, it gets a lot more simple. 

Its the same with the rest of my life.  There are so many things that make things complicated.  There are hurts, especially in those who are dear to me, that I simply cannot fix, no matter how much I want to.  There are relationships that are so darn confusing sometimes.  And there are friends that I just want to hold, and calm the storm that I can see brewing just behind their eyes, and I wish they could just tell me and I could fix everything.  But I cannot fix everything.  I cannot make them better, and I cannot calm those storms. 

But I know someone who can.

And when I trust Him, things get alot simpler.  Don't get me wrong, it is so hard to trust Him, especially with those whom I hold so dear.  It is hard to really believe that He will repair their hearts and that He cares for them more than I do.  It is hard to trust that His timing may not be mine.  It is hard, but at the same time it is so much easier. 

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side.  Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.  Leave to thy God to order and provide, in every change, He faithful will remain.  Be still my soul, thy best, thy heavenly friend, through stormy ways leads to a joyful end. 

Be patient with me as I try to be still.  I'm not very good at that yet.