| fuck. life.i dont swear much.
but tonight i think its acceptable.
so. ive seen a doc at school twice.
because i havent been feeling all right.
the thing is.
my moms brother had schizophrenia.
my dads sister has schizophrenia.
my moms great uncle had schizophrenia.
schizophrenia usually starts to show in the early twenties.
well. im almost there.
a lot of kids discover the illness in college.
i had my first auditory hallucinations a couple weeks back.
it meant nothing to me at first.
it was just idk.
it just happened.
i didnt dwell on it.
it didnt affect me in anyway.
but then i started to think about it.
and i realized that i was really the only one that heard anything.
that it was impossible for these sounds to be reality.
of course.
the diagnosis hasnt been made.
and its completely possible that im not afflicted at all.
but. theres also a large possibility that i am.
i have two more appointments this week.
so i guess ill just hafta wait and see.
mo is being.
im not sure.
insane?
tonight was rough.
we both had plans.
she knew what i was doing.
where i was going.
and with whom i was going to be.
but she flipped.
she completely flipped.
i got random text messages.
"fuck you"s.
messages that told me it was over.
that she was done with me.
and i fell apart.
almost immediately.
i had to change my plans.
once i was in my room alone.
i started calling her.
but she didnt answer.
so i called her friend.
and she didnt answer.
so i called them both.
over and over and over.
all together it was for about an hour.
maybe an hour and a half.
i finally got a hold of her friend.
who told me that she was going to go get mo.
and that shed have mo call me back in "two minutes".
over ten minutes later.
i hadnt heard anything.
so i called mo.
and she answered.
she was hysterical.
screaming. crying. incoherent.
she was a mess.
i had no idea what was going on.
for about ten minutes i had to try and figure out what she was saying.
it was like talking to a 2 yr old with a speech impediment.
from bulgaria.
eventually i get it out of her.
that shes upset because i kept calling her and tara.
and taras parents got pissed.
and no one would talk to her...
or something.
idk. like i said i couldnt really understand her.
and i was hurt.
beyond anything ever before.
she wasnt upset that i was freaking out.
she was upset that her friend was mad.
that her friends parents were mad.
that they might get into trouble.
she didnt care how id been feeling all night.
she just didnt care.
and i got mad.
ive never yelled at her before.
but i was yelling.
i sounded like my father.
and it scared me.
she just called me again.
she was a little bit more calm.
but i still couldnt understand her.
i think she apologized.
but idk what for.
and idk if she knows what for.
it makes me sad.
im so incredibly in love with her.
i have to be.
to take shit like this.
like that quote:
"we take the love we think we deserve."
or something to that effect.
ik it would be different if i wasnt so far away.
but i also know.
that it really shouldnt matter all that much.
yeah. im not that close.
but my love hasnt faltered.
id still do anything for her.
but. i dont know why im doing it anymore.
it used to be because i liked to see her happy.
because i felt pride in her smile. her laughter.
but now. its just to hold on.
i have to bend. twist. turn.
juuust so.
in order to keep her with me.
and idk how i feel about that.
itll be better when were together.
ik that.
or. at least i think so.
i love her. i really do.
no matter how upset i am.
i feel so much for her.
i cant even explain.
i heard this song while i was upset.
and no matter how angry i was at her.
no matter how sad she made me tonight.
i thought of her.
and how it fits us.
or what i think fits us.
idk anymore...
If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.
Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.
I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.
Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
thats it.
for now. |
| |
| oh boy.i think ill start using this again.
nothing fancy at first.
ive gotta get the feel back.
so. school.
sucks.
its college.
and i dont have that much fun.
dont get me wrong.
sometimes its a blast.
but usually. its not.
and i know its mostly my fault.
but that doesnt make it feel any better.
so stop reminding me.
i just took a shower.
now im clean.
and friends is on.
and mo and i just got off the phone.
i wish i wasnt alone.
and i wish i was eating right now.
blahblahblah.
thats how i feel lately.
the end. |
| |
| off the market. i like her a lot.
& i miss h.e.r. already.
<3 |
| |
| its odd being back. being home. seeing everyone. [i even had a conversation with marina in the hall today. <3] i hope that from here on out. i can learn to see what i have... 1. my beautiful. wonderful. paramount. friends.
whom i could honestly not live without. and i almost made that a reality. ive failed at many things. many times. but im most proud of my failure to die. because. i plan on sticking around. for quite some time. 2. my family. nanny. papa. mom. dad. barb. shayna. carly. samantha. i dont want to be. the grand daughter that gave up. i dont want to be. the lost daughter. i dont want to be the sister that walked away. 3. [hell even] myself. i hope that some day i can see myself. like others say they see me. i want to one day recognize. my fine qualities. id like to take pride in myself. and discover. hidden beauty. 4. all the little things. writing. music. school. pencils with erasers. its easy to take advantage of these things. sunlight. fresh air. wind. shoes. so please dont.
|
| |
| So. in case any of you were wondering. im home. and for the rest of you. if youd like to know. where it is ive been. ask. i may share. i may not. but i am veryyy glad to be heading back to school. 6 weeks is far too long. although with break coming up. itll be 7 weeks before im really back.
im getting stoked for college. im visiting EMU in april. ive got writers block. but also. new video games. |
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