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| I won't be using this anymore.
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| Fuck your mother I started my first actual foray into the history books we've been assigned for this class on the Roman frontier and I hope everyone's in the same boat for the test these are going to be over because I know some general things that happened around some general areas but fuck it's so hard to grasp any meaning from it because it's a lot of names of places and groups of people that haven't been covered in the lectures. I know I'm not the only one who realized that the last test was based entirely from notes on the lecture so it's easy to assume that others haven't read the previous 3 chapters in this book. That's not the deal. I just wander if I'll get better at circumventing the names I don't understand and just remembering them to include them as and x y and z sort of diddy. I'm looking forward to the practice, I just thought since I'm probably not going to be doing anything today socially I just may as well try to put down whatever it is I've been thinking about today and yesterday.
Yesterday was pretty much no good. I felt guilty and unconfident and just plain bored. I tried reading numerous things but could physically detect the words I was fading out on and I couldn't read the chapters for the Japanese culture class and dictate what I had read onto the word processor. It took me 20 minutes of zoning out to poorly memorize the plain past and positives and negatives for verbs also... You know, I think I better get back to this shit.
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| I made some kind of resolution to write more. I suppose that's panning out isn't it? Not only did I want to write more I wanted to write something that wasn't about myself. I meager work of fiction that involves a fry cook on a free floating oil rig in a semi post apocalyptic society with a case of herpes that predicts the future. There actually are a few more details related to that story that I have worked out and the rest can be worked out by what I consider logic.
Oh my what am I thinking about and who am I? Well, I feel like the result of some depressant drug with no feel good side affects on it. That was only this weekend though which could definitely be a side affect of my diet. I'm finding this urge to be productively alone more than usual, and that sucks seeing as its the end of the semester and my grades are pretty nasty looking. This is the same result as last semester. That's not really putting me down, I will not speak why. All I really need to do at this moment is think about something more proper and to write it down...
So I walked into the bathroom to take a piss and I got this weird assessment of my consciousness. It felt like the concept of truth I was just reading about as I was catching up in my Japanese text. It states that in Japan, since Zen Buddhism is a major contributor to the culture there and because Zen's lessons are taught intuitively and not the through words that truth does not come from ones mouth but only in silence. This had only a mild relation to me. That I simply was everything I had experience all at once and what I decide is my best and clearest judgment. I quickly lost that feeling but of course, but I always like catching a glimpse of it and wonder if it's time to do some more drugs. Maybe for a spiritual awakening seeing as last time I smoked pot I found myself falling into the thought patterns of a child. Such a childish child which I had not made a move to since I was about 10 and dreamed of growing up to be a loser. I find that so strange that bumming around doing drugs and getting beat up was such an ideal stance to take until my mid 20s were over. I never really followed that, but I find it strange that it was what I wanted. Rebellion is so cheap.
I can see the affect not eating is having on my consciousness. Even eating has an affect on my consciousness. It's so terrible. I mean I could typing here and thinking I'm making sound judgments for everything that I say but the case would be that I've now used the word judgment twice and I don't spell it with an extra e like I usually prefer and also if I were to go and eat something right now, I would probably get sluggish and I have an intense drive to like ... hey that'll stay. I wonder if that dirty blimpie's venue stays open after 8.
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| I sat through a two hour presentation on STDs. I ate half a pizza and took 3 bags of condoms to make up for it.
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| I woke up today and was like I have to do work and I have time. So I didn't really get moving till about 6pm. I took some of that time to look in between all of my nintendo power mags in hopes of finding some of my old super nes instruction manuals. There was none though there were some other pieces of reading material and looking at the art for all the variations of video games over the years made me feel good inside.
At some point that day I thought it would be best to start writing in this more and simply categorize how I've been living. The routine I follow and the deftness of it must be different from one or two years ago. My life has seriously changed every year and I like what I see every time I look back on it. I can't be sure but I think I'll enjoy looking back on this point, too. It's just sad that I can't really enjoy that much while it's happening for some reason. I don't think this is the first time either. I think typically I've been a pretty miserable kid looking at a pretty bright past and an uncertain future. So, starting tomorrow I guess I'll make an entry every time I'm bored.
You know what bugs me is definitely each year of high school was a significantly different feeling from the last, but also it seems that college is going to be pretty consistent. hey! I don't think that's the case. Look at the change in semesters after all.
I'm going into an appointment in about 5 hours to set up my classes for next semester. Pretty much all I did in preparation was look at the course handbook and look through the list of majors offered and circled any of them I would even consider. There was a small list of majors and I made a pretty narrowed down selection, too. As far as general education classes I need to choose though. Outside of something to make up for this failed english, that's wholey undecided. This would make me lazy, or this can give me even more practice into the art of being unprepared. Really I think the amount of thought could cut it in accordance with the time it took. I waste so much time though.
We're all lazy, big whoop. There's times when I feel productive but there was some solution which I'm not enacting which will effectively bridge the gap between the times I want to things and the times when I don't want to do things. On a horizontal guess I'd say that simply means don't follow your feelings. Self destruction is something I agree with after all and destruction is a big part in this game I play for metaphysical results.
The chance to finally become competent at math has been making me excited for the last two weeks. My mom got mad at me that I was copying Eric again, and she's right without knowing him I probably wouldn't have considered it, but without him who would I have chose as a role model? Paul? He's capable at math, too. Without either? I would have gone and met an extra strain of people. My potential ignorance of other people's lives will not be my rationale for not making proper use of the areas I find necessary to instill in myself.
Tom Clancy wanted to be a physicist but claimed he wasn't smart enough. I think there's probably a difference between that and natural endowment. What if a language creature learns how to think mathmatically? Oh, I like the sound of that.
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