| A certain death from chasing cars Disclaimer: This entry is long. And it is about my semester, and about a few of the things that have been revealed to me about life.
I will never forget that fateful Sunday morning. My luggage contained more than half of the clothes I owned, and amounted to more than $1000 of my belongings. You see, I had been gone for a month, learning about people, hiking in the mountains, flying thousands of miles, seeking after God; watching as my life changed before my eyes. I connected with people from around the country, and built a few friendships that still continue to bear fruit. And my heart was changed. But that Sunday morning, after I got back, when my luggage was apparently lost and I was worn down, trying to figure out all of life’s problems . . . that’s when I just broke down. But was it because of the luggage? That was certainly a part of it, but it was for other reasons. I felt the weight of the coming semester so heavily, as if I knew I would go through some of the most difficult challenges in my life. I just admitted before God, that I would not be able to get anywhere alone. And so my summer ended.
And the semester came. And what I had seen was quite true. Sorting out issues of divorce, messy relationships, love unrequited, and a reformation of where I put my hope and trust in life, culminated into a difficult and challenging stay at MU. And I did my best, but part of me shut down. I devoted myself to two things; my school work, and my thoughts. So for a large part of this semester I was not myself – I was not social, I was not outgoing, I was not talkative. I was silent. I was contemplative. I was enduring. I refused to let go, and yet tried so very hard to grab a hold of something new. Well I stand now at the end of this semester. I spent a lot of time chasing cars. Chasing cars in my own head, working through the meaning of life, and purpose, and what was required, and what was amiss inside of me. And trying to figure out why I had drawn so near to such a great light, and why I had tried to take too much of it, why I was so anxious, and so impatient. And the semester was extremely fruitful. But the cost was great.
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol contains a few lines
“We’ll do it all. Everything. On our own. We don’t need, anything, or anyone. . . If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world? I don’t quite know how to say how I feel. Those three words, I said too much, but not enough. . . . . . . . . Let’s waste time, chasing cars, around our heads . . .”
We’ll do it all? Isn’t that what we think sometimes? Everything, on my own – I know I have been there, whether I thought I could fix people, fix problems, or fix myself, I have thought before “I’ll do it all, on my own . . .” But if nothing else, through this entire semester, I have learned the folly of these words. And as I prayed that Sunday morning, so God has been incredibly faithful. I won’t do it all. I won’t walk alone.
But it is through these pains, through an intense suffering that only the bearer can comprehend, through a certain death, that a glorious new life is to be given. Yes, a certain death that occurred in me this semester.
That is what this has been. A certain death that sprung from chasing cars. Imagine that.
And so we find ourselves in this world. How much can we do? Can we make money? Can we do great deeds? Can we be glorified? Can we be loved? And so here we are in Finals season, when many are stressed out and will study hard to earn a grade. But even so, even if all the grades are perfect, when you have all the things of the world, when you have been all the places and seen and done all there is to do . . . it will not be enough, maybe for a time, but ultimately, it will never be enough.
Coming into the realization of how little we can accomplish, and how severely limited we truly are as being a part of mankind - this must be understood, because it is from here that God may begin to work. Pride is a terrible ache that, even on our best days, can leave us halfwitted and misguided. Pride gets in the way of this! And I speak from too much experience. And so we come to a point of helplessness. We come upon the notion, the simple truth, that our dreams and desires and what we deem to be our deepest longings are slipping away and there is nothing we can do.
So we think. But what if all these dreams and desires and longings were met? What if there was something greater, something so indescribable that all we could do was call it holy and describe it: "I don't know what it is, but I know what it's not, and that is us. It's not of this world. It's set apart". Well I happen to think, and believe with all my being that this something is and was and always will be, and that this something came in the form of Jesus Christ. And additionally, all of my doubts are cast aside, all of my insecurites about life, all of my frustrations and wounds from beaten and battered love, they are all swept away in the love of this "holy" thing. This is where the certain death creates new life.
Paul: "What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."
More than conquerors? What glorious news is this? I can walk away from so many battles. I can let love in. I can submit to be made new. We are, already, more than conquerors in Christ Jesus.
And so, as Edmund Dantes would have it (from Dumas, Count of Monte Cristo) - "all of human wisdom is contained in these two words. Wait and Hope." But wait and hope for what? Certainly not human intervention or human love . . . this has proven time and again to be wholly inadequate. But in God? And there may be truth in that statement, that all of human wisdom combines into those two, but not all of us can see words for what they contain, in much the same way that we cannot perceive the depth or the power of the sea by simply looking at a map. We may see numbers and figures and keys and different colors to represent different elevations and islands and currents, but we cannot see what is really there. But the winds blow against the Christian, the waves crash, the rocks tumble . . . “I’m a mess, I guess, it’s what I’ve asked for, it’s what I’ve needed” – rightly said (from Mae, song “Sun”). And I know now that to be a mess and to see this and acknowledge this before my God is completely necessary for me right now. What good would it do to think I am fine? I see absolutely no progress in any direction, but stagnancy. No cooling down nor heating up, simply lukewarm laxity. And we know that when water is lukewarm, it is subject to bacteria. And moreover, when water has bacteria we throw it out. And so to think that I am fine, I am doing enough to get by, this is a dangerous though. For we are never enough and never will be. We must either try and fail, or fail to try altogether. The only success will come with Christ. The only improvement upon ourselves will come through the Word of God and the power of redemption by His holy spirit.
The state of man, fallen, is just that – the state of man. It is not something up for debate, up for re-election or change. It does not come and go, it does not fluctuate – we are just that, fallen. We have eaten of that terrible fruit, and we continue to eat the apple, all the way to the core. That fruit, however will not satisfy, and the only satisfaction will be found in Christ.
And I have no doubt that such a change in us will take death. Many deaths for some of us, more or less for others . . . but the fact of the matter is, we must die daily. For what is it that Paul said? “We die daily” “We are conquerors in Christ”
Let’s not say “I’m enough” or “I’m doing enough to get by” because we aren’t fooling anyone – we are not good enough. And that is the point. We must submit wholly to the Christ, and we must die with Him so as to be brought to new life in Him. So much are contained in these words. And if you read now and they are simply just letters on a page, then pray that the map, the ocean, would be revealed to you. Because the map does not lie, and whether we like it or not, the sea is real, the tides of life are terrible, and your lifelines will all fail eventually. What will you have when you drown? You can’t chase cars forever.
The destination is beautiful, I promise. But don’t listen to my promises, look at the map, and perhaps you will come to see what is contained there.
"Never giving up, always seeking light, we must always try, try with all our might" -mae.
|
) the goods are much appreciated! Life is going well - very busy. Classes are going well though. My official major is Classics Languages which involves a ton of Greek and Latin, enough so that by the time I graduate I could go on to teach if I wanted to . . .however I think the desire of my heart is to go to seminary . . . Gordon Conwell . . . haha but that is a long way down the road, just something to keep praying for and thinking about. I am anxious for break . . . Thanksgiving break, less than two weeks away! Anyway, all is well here at MU. Hope all is well with you xangers . . . 