Sickness and Selfishness

I want to write and yet I don't know what to say. I've been sick for the past few weeks, consistently on edge and slightly dizzy. Walking into any place with flourescent lighting makes me dizzy and disoriented and the pills I'm taking do nothing to help. Nothing like this has ever happened to me, and because of that it makes me very morbid. "Am I ever going to be better, will I never be able to go to WalMart again?" I don't remember what it's like being ok. Most of this is probably mental, but I think a lot of it has to do with the pills. Inner ear congestion is the devil's way of taking me down quite a few pegs right when everything was starting to go well. Unfortunately the pills (Mucinex) give me the same symptoms as my sickness, so I have decided to stop taking them tonight to see if I'm better.

So much has changed in my life over the past two months that I don't really know what to think about it all. I have tried so hard to just let things happen as they happen and because of it my life seems to be going in a direction I never ever expected it to. Right now it's Spring Break and I should be living up my freedom before the long haul to graduation in May but instead I'm trying, hard, to finish all of the homework that was due when I was at my worst. This homework requires a lot of time spent in the college library, which is a very disorienting place to someone who is very nauseous and dizzy. I swear all of this is in my head, and I wish there was something I could do to change that. It's ridiculous because my overactive imagination takes the nastiness I feel and says completely irrational things like, "My chest hurts. Why? Oh no, what if it's a heart attack? What if I can't go back to class because of this and I never graduate?" I thoroughly freak myself out, and if there was a way I could stop it from happening I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Back when I was still contemplating the relationship I had with my now ex boyfriend my mom and I were talking and she told me something I don't think I'll ever forget. She said that when two people who are meant to be together meet, there's something that just clicks, something that makes them know they're meant to be together. My ex and I did not have that in our relationship, as much as we wanted to. However, I'm in a new relationship... and we found that click. We really did. And I'm so glad. He's one of the few stable things in my life right now, and all I can do is thank God every day for all that He's doing.

There. A short and sweet and VERY incomplete recount of my life in 2008 thus far.