IfYouCan's Xanga

Sickness and Selfishness

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 20:10:32 GMT

I want to write and yet I don't know what to say. I've been sick for the past few weeks, consistently on edge and slightly dizzy. Walking into any place with flourescent lighting makes me dizzy and disoriented and the pills I'm taking do nothing to help. Nothing like this has ever happened to me, and because of that it makes me very morbid. "Am I ever going to be better, will I never be able to go to WalMart again?" I don't remember what it's like being ok. Most of this is probably mental, but I think a lot of it has to do with the pills. Inner ear congestion is the devil's way of taking me down quite a few pegs right when everything was starting to go well. Unfortunately the pills (Mucinex) give me the same symptoms as my sickness, so I have decided to stop taking them tonight to see if I'm better.

So much has changed in my life over the past two months that I don't really know what to think about it all. I have tried so hard to just let things happen as they happen and because of it my life seems to be going in a direction I never ever expected it to. Right now it's Spring Break and I should be living up my freedom before the long haul to graduation in May but instead I'm trying, hard, to finish all of the homework that was due when I was at my worst. This homework requires a lot of time spent in the college library, which is a very disorienting place to someone who is very nauseous and dizzy. I swear all of this is in my head, and I wish there was something I could do to change that. It's ridiculous because my overactive imagination takes the nastiness I feel and says completely irrational things like, "My chest hurts. Why? Oh no, what if it's a heart attack? What if I can't go back to class because of this and I never graduate?" I thoroughly freak myself out, and if there was a way I could stop it from happening I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Back when I was still contemplating the relationship I had with my now ex boyfriend my mom and I were talking and she told me something I don't think I'll ever forget. She said that when two people who are meant to be together meet, there's something that just clicks, something that makes them know they're meant to be together. My ex and I did not have that in our relationship, as much as we wanted to. However, I'm in a new relationship... and we found that click. We really did. And I'm so glad. He's one of the few stable things in my life right now, and all I can do is thank God every day for all that He's doing.

There. A short and sweet and VERY incomplete recount of my life in 2008 thus far.

sigh

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 20:55:24 GMT

I read a quote once where the quoted refuted the idea that life is hard by saying "Compared to what?"
I can't find the actual quote or I would quote it to you.

The question I have is, why does life have to be compared to something to prove it's hard? Pain, emotion, suffering... that is all we need to experience to know that life is very hard indeed.

My mind is full of questions, and I wish they'd just go away. Rolling around inside a very confused mind they just succeed in making me dizzy and disconcerted. I can't concentrate, I often find myself staring off into space, lost in ridiculous thoughts I normally would not have. You would think talking to people, or writing in my journal, or anything to get those thoughts into the open would help... but it doesn't. All it does is help you realize just how insane you truly are, which is not a good thing to display for others to see. I'd rather be seen as competent and composed even though that's not me.

That's a hard one, especially since the only willing listener is a journal, and journals don't talk back.

Oh, God, what are you doing?

Random Thought...

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 08:58:53 GMT

I love Nat King Cole. My parents have a vinyl of his and I've listened to and adore it. Just a moment ago Michael Buble came on my iTunes singing a song I first heard recorded by Nat King Cole. The words are poignant, and yet so simple! "I can only give you love that lasts forever... Say it's me that you'll adore for now and evermore. That's all. That's all." Ugh! Beautiful. All of his songs work the same way: Write a main song that's about two stanzas long, have an instrumental, sing the last two lines again and the song ends. Why can't all songs be that simple? Sometimes the most beautiful things are said in the shortest amount of time. Who needs five verses when you only need one?

That's all. :)

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 08:44:37 GMT

The fourth day of school.... It has only been a week, and so many things have happened to make it an interesting year. Since the first day, I have become involved with the chapel service, talked to numerous people about Cru changes, gone to the J-bug, tried out for choir AND for a play... oh, and I attended a few classes. I've already written a paper! Talk about crazy.

Going along with all of that has been interesting troubles with the species known as "man".For a month or so I've been having doubts about my feelings on the relationship I have with my boyfriend, becoming bored with him and constantly on the lookout for someone else... which I knew I shouldn't do. We began to discuss it on Monday afternoon and continued on Monday night with an argument about alcohol and my tendency to drink every now and again, which is something I had withheld because I knew he didn't approve. This converation continued on Tuesday, and it ended with me saying we needed to go to God very seriously before our next conversation. There was little doubt in my mind that he and I would break up, and soon.
You will be happy to know we are still together and had a very good conversation last night.
Meanwhile, on Tuesday the extraordinary happened: I saw my ex-boyfriend, but not only did I see him, he initiated a very civilized conversation with me that began with an apology for not writing back when I wished him happy birthday and sympathy for his g-ma's death. He wanted me to know he didn't hate me and that I needn't think he does. We then talked about our summers and classes and then he left.
All of this left me surprisingly calm.
Along with ALL of this, my younger sister began school this week and I am doing my best to get her involved so she doesn't stay the hermit she has been for four years. Wish me luck, y'all, and please pray for her A LOT.

On to yet another day....

Life Is...

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 23:49:31 GMT

- confusing
- a gift from the Lord
- only what you make it, and the decisions are up to you
- breathing in and out all day long, simply being and experiencing without really doing... which sometimes is best.
- tiring.
- a constant struggle with a positive outcome... for some of us.
- a vicious cycle of confusion, elation, anger and love, among other things.
- ambiguous.
- hard.

The past few days have been an interesting experience. Not only is my home suddenly being refilled with friends and people I love, but my mind is also in a constant war against itself, my better judgement, and God's will. I never know what to do, or how to do it, or any of that when it comes to understanding God or His plan or really trusting that His plan is best. It's been good to have friends back because sometimes, as the girl I am, I really just need a female to talk to, who can undertand my emotions and my thoughts much better than a male and who will just listen when I need to verbally process everything on my mind, all the while hoping and praying that everything will eventually make sense the longer I talk about it. So far that has been a fruitless endeavor. My journal has not been of much help, as my favorite pen began to die and my hand cramps/ my eyes droop whenever I begin to write this late in the evening. So far, all of the above list is what life has been for me. Life is a state of being that simply confuses me while making all the sense in the world to the Lord. It's ambiguous, never really seeming to go anywhere while actually going quickly in one direction or the other and eventually ending at one of two places in eternity. As God gave us a free will to choose our own path it's a place where every decision is made by you and you alone. No one can make decisions for you and the only reason they do is because they know you're the one who has to deal in the end. However, God gave us life so we can live it to the fullest, basking in the glory of His beautiful creation and giving us every reason to worship Him. But, at the moment, life is hard. Just... hard. And it's not even over anything incredibly difficult! Nothing life threatening... just emotionally taxing and something I really wish I'd never wished for to begin with.
Some people have all the luck.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 22:27:07 GMT

Dear Sir;

I know you don’t hear from me as much as you should. We both know I’m not the most dedicated or reliable person. Even so, you know me better than I have ever known myself, which isn’t really that hard since I barely know myself as it is. You’re pursuing me daily, and I know it. By sending other people and placing them in my path, you slowly show me who I can be and who you want me to be. I’m not the boldest of people, yet you teach me boldness. I’m not the most patient... yet I’m slowly learning. My weight and my looks and my confidence cause so much suffering, but you teach me that the inside is more important and that I should be at rest. A year ago you sent my ex to show me my selfishness, and you kept me single so I could learn to be content with being alone. Every day I learn more about who I am, and see the potential for who I’m to become. Through it all you have been unwavering and wholly faithful, loving and teaching with gentle words and an iron fist. I am truly beginning to believe that you will never let me down, even when I fail you or ignore your wisdom. You have calmed me, kept me safe, given me more than I could ask for and shown me a kind of love I have never experienced from anyone else. May I someday be half as much to others as you have always been to me.

I Love You,

Emily

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 09:31:37 GMT

Summer is actually almost over! It's craziness, full of madlyness, and I might actually be looking forward to school starting.

For once, I hung out with girls this weekend! Nothing wrong with boys, it's just that I've only really spent time with guys since I don't have a car except for the weekends I go to visit my boyfriend. I got to see both my best friends this weekend, and I went out to eat with two good friends and we hung out after around Z-ville and it was fantabulous! I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard...

Life is pretty good, I won't lie. There are always those little details I wish I could change or fix or give plastic surgery, but who doesn't have those? After a rather mundane summer I'm ready for a little excitement...

Life is Crazy sometimes...

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 12:42:18 GMT

I read for six hours straight and completely finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Then I couldn't sleep cause my mind was so full of stuff... I'm going to reread it and then start at the beginning of the series and read straight through... along with all the other books I'm reading, haha.

Sometimes I really wish that whatever was in the past can be completely forgotten instead of popping back up where it isn't wanted. No matter how hard I try to forget it keeps coming back without warning... like the glimpse of the outgoing mail tray holding only an envelope addressed to my ex-boyfriend, whom I wish more than ever I could forget.

Life is confusing. So much is going to happen so soon... like graduation. In less than nine months I'll be in the so-called Real World, trying to find a good job and moving to a city (since real PR positions don't exist in small towns) and getting a place of my own and trying to stay in touch with my boyfriend during and after the whole transition. We could end up closer, but also further away (which, honestly, is more likely I'm sad to say).

Working 8hr days and actually looking forward to school starting. God has a lot in store for this year... thank you Donald Miller for helping me to see it. Be prepared for change, y'all. When you hear about 8:05, don't think it's just Primetime with a facelift....

Cheers.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 00:46:41 GMT

Okay, kids. So, I'm in Oregon, and........ it's not what I expected. I mean, don't get me wrong, the State is absolutely beautiful, in it's way, just like Ohio is, but......

Okay, here's the deal. Obviously, I came here really to see two people. One of them got married, and really was the reason I came in the first place. The other was a REALLY close friend when we parted after Chicago SP last year, but now things are a little different. During last summer we were... interested... in each other. NOW we're both dating other people and I just don't feel right being around him and he agrees it's awkward... and the thing is that now that the one is married, he and I have to spend all our time together. It always hurts a little when someone who once liked you doesn't anymore. We talked about it last night and some of the awkwardness went away when we started talking about Shakespeare, but it's back now all of a sudden. Currently I am stuck in a house I've never been to belonging to people I've never met while he talks to his girlfriend on the phone outside and I'm dealing with a three hour time difference, so I can't call my boyfriend.

The sad part is, I was SO looking forward to this trip, and it's been fun... but I'm ready to go home. I feel awkward, I don't belong here. Unlike the first time i went to Kentucky, which felt completely natural, I know I really don't belong here. However, I'm coming home with some new friends and I doubt that my path will bring me here again. Sad, but true.

I'm ready to leave. I want to be home.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 13:08:01 GMT

Sometimes life just really sucks. Why can't God make it easy so that we know exactly what is supposed to happen and it saves us all the worry and stress and tears?

Went to Cedar Point Saturday. It was fine, though we didn't really ride anything because he didn't feel well. It's okay, the longer I looked at the Millenium Force the more afraid of it I became.

DONE house-sitting the terretorial goat and the diseased dog. Life can now go on as normal and I got to sleep in my own bed.

Hit myself in the face with the car door just under the right side of my bottom lip. Have a nice cut on the outside, and of course the tooth inside made another wonderful cut and some swelling. It hurts a little, and I cried a little (more because I had already had a decent day and this ruined it and from feeling really stupid) but I'm fine. It was probably one of the more eventful things that happened this weekend. That, and sunburn.

I GO TO OREGON IN A WEEK AND A HALF!!!!!!!! Yay for new places and old friends! Scared to death to fly that far alone.... Shunta, you should come hang with me at O'Hare during my layover.