Tibet Tibet Tibet… Shut the fuck up

Who cares. Who? I’ll tell you who cares. It’s the bored people of this country and the similarly pathetic Eurotrash that is make a big deal out of nothing. Normally, I don’t give a shit whether Tibet is a sovereign nation or whether it gives China blow jobs. But after seeing this picture, I am really bothered.

This nice slant-eyed Chinese girl (at least I think she is a girl) is simply supporting this wonderful athletic competition while this broke ass white guy is yelling in her face about freeing Tibet. What the fuck did Tibet ever do for you Mr. Broke-Ass White Guy to get so fired up about? Ok ok, let’s analyze this situation from a value-added perspective.

Tibet: Population 2.6 Million. Tibet had a GDP in 2001 of $1.8 Billion which is driven by subsistence agriculture (farming in which farmers grow only enough food to feed the family). Due to limited arable land, livestock raising is the primary occupation on the Tibetan Plateau, among them are sheep, cattle, goats, camels, yaks and horses. Basically, they are poor as fuck.

China: Population 1.3 Billion (slightly less without Tibet) with a GDP of $7.043 Trillion. China has made contributions in all fields of science, technology, finance, and transportation. At the very least, you gotta give China credit for mass producing Hot Wheels cars and Nikes. Worse comes to worse, there are at least 1 Billion people available for cheap labor. Basically, they are Ballin’.

Now from a value-added perspective, which area provides the world with more value? Not Tibet. Tibet provides goats and yaks… real modern you idiots. China provides us with electronics, research, Nike Air Force Ones, and Barbie; that’s value.

Oh yea, have you guys ever heard of Baba Kalyani? Me neither but that motherfucker is worth more than all of Tibet. According to Forbes Magazine, my man Baba and 677 individuals are worth more than the entire region. And you know what? All of Tibet is tax exempt which means they don’t pay any taxes. Now I just filed my tax returns and I was taxed up the ass this year and I still don’t complain about my government. These kids are getting tax breaks and yet they hollering for independence. You think the Dali Lama is better for Tibet? He still gonna collect tax. Dali Lama ain’t gonna tax exempt your asses.

And I AINT NEVER heard of black people complaining about Tibet. I have NEVER heard of a Mexican complaining about Tibet. All this little movement is about is white people who have nothing better to do complaining about a land full of yaks and camels. If you had lives, you would be doing something fun or exciting. Spring is here, why don’t yall go outdoors, enjoy a hamburger and have a nice warm cup of shut the fuck up.   

I'll give yall a real update soon. 

This appeared on Craigslist:

"What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth."

THE ANSWER

"Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know."

First, I want say that I love when economics, finance and portfolio theory can be applied to real life situations. It really allows me to consider all decisions in an efficient and risk adverse way. In this particular case, I believe the lesson is to view a woman's sex appeal as a depreciating asset while money grows into perpetuity. If I was asexual, I would love money but being that certain parts of my body occasionally turn blue, I still have to say I love beautiful women.

The second take away from this is to get a job. Beauty alone doesn't get you to upper west side. Big brains, apple bottoms, and flat tummies couldn't even get you to Jersey if thats all you got. And she says shes classy and articulate? Who the fuck cares. "Classy" pretty much means to me you chew with your mouth shut, you don't talk our of turn, and can distinguish luxury goods from Target. I think I could've done that in 5th grade. Articulate is an useless asset too. Being articulate means you talk without "um" and "you know"; half the country is articulate. So ladies, you really need to bring something to the table. And guys, you really need to step it up and get to Central Park West. 

Men's Healthy has some good advice. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. Real guys don't dip their toes in the water. They jump right in.

2. If there's even the slightest doubt, hit the potty before you leave.

3. Going after a target in the urinal makes the time whiz by.

Now I want to talk about urinals. They suck. Urinals blow. Not only do I have to stand next to dudes and hear their piss showering against the deodorizing urinal cake, I am also subject to a tremendous amount of splash back. For you ladies who are not familiar with urinals, here is a quick primer.

From my limited research, it seems that urinals were first used during Roman antiquity. These crude devices were simply slabs of stone with slots cut out for men to urinate in. They were usually located in Roman baths and strictly for private citizens. As time progressed and technology improved, urinals became available to the general public. In the 1930s, France had a series of urinals placed in public sidewalks and public parks. These were called Vespasienne, named after the Roman Emperor Vespasian, who imposed a tax on urine. Rich.

So, now onto the modern day urinal… The urinals of today are made out of a porcelain-type material and usually stuffed with a plastic deodorizing cake to prevent gum, cigarette butts, and debris from clogging the toilets. The cake is also equipped with some sort of freshener so when you flush, you can smell strawberries or flowers.

Now my biggest issue is the damn splash back. Imagine squirting a stream of high-pressured water against porcelain… Some of the water bounces back! So when I’m using a urinal, I cannot piss straight. I have to angle it so the splash back is cut to a minimum. Usually, I try to aim at the deodorizing cake but if you are not carefully, plastic has more elasticity than porcelain and it actually causes more bounce back. To make matters worse, some urinals are equipped with automatic flushers. If you’re not completely still during the urination process, the damn thing flushes before you’re done. So you have your own juices bouncing back, water splashing down, and the smell of strawberries.

So my challenge is to all the engineers, material science, and inventors out there to create a urinal that does not allow splash back. Maybe it could be made out of a very supple material like warm wax or grass. I cannot be walking around professional events with spots of wetness around my crotch area. Not acceptable.

Looks like Fergie was using the urinal that day.

I think blueberries are pretty gay. If you really think about it, blueberries are pretty useless. It doesn't even come close to tasting as good as the other berries. Strawberries, raspberries and cherries are tasty. Cranberry juice is amazing with gin. And blackberries are just banging. Blueberries suck. I know people say that they love blueberry pie but why would you eat blueberry pie when it doesn't taste like anything but sugar? Blueberries just don't taste like anything. And I know other people will say blueberries have antioxidants... so what? That's why we have Vitamin Water! Also, blueberries just look funny. They're blue and balls. And lastly, blue berries do nothing to fill me up. I could eat a box of them and still feel hungry. I'd rather eat a box of juicy prime aged ribeye.