Men's Healthy has some good advice. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. Real guys don't dip their toes in the water. They jump right in.

2. If there's even the slightest doubt, hit the potty before you leave.

3. Going after a target in the urinal makes the time whiz by.

Now I want to talk about urinals. They suck. Urinals blow. Not only do I have to stand next to dudes and hear their piss showering against the deodorizing urinal cake, I am also subject to a tremendous amount of splash back. For you ladies who are not familiar with urinals, here is a quick primer.

From my limited research, it seems that urinals were first used during Roman antiquity. These crude devices were simply slabs of stone with slots cut out for men to urinate in. They were usually located in Roman baths and strictly for private citizens. As time progressed and technology improved, urinals became available to the general public. In the 1930s, France had a series of urinals placed in public sidewalks and public parks. These were called Vespasienne, named after the Roman Emperor Vespasian, who imposed a tax on urine. Rich.

So, now onto the modern day urinal… The urinals of today are made out of a porcelain-type material and usually stuffed with a plastic deodorizing cake to prevent gum, cigarette butts, and debris from clogging the toilets. The cake is also equipped with some sort of freshener so when you flush, you can smell strawberries or flowers.

Now my biggest issue is the damn splash back. Imagine squirting a stream of high-pressured water against porcelain… Some of the water bounces back! So when I’m using a urinal, I cannot piss straight. I have to angle it so the splash back is cut to a minimum. Usually, I try to aim at the deodorizing cake but if you are not carefully, plastic has more elasticity than porcelain and it actually causes more bounce back. To make matters worse, some urinals are equipped with automatic flushers. If you’re not completely still during the urination process, the damn thing flushes before you’re done. So you have your own juices bouncing back, water splashing down, and the smell of strawberries.

So my challenge is to all the engineers, material science, and inventors out there to create a urinal that does not allow splash back. Maybe it could be made out of a very supple material like warm wax or grass. I cannot be walking around professional events with spots of wetness around my crotch area. Not acceptable.

Looks like Fergie was using the urinal that day.