Not contented with our short meeting on Friday night,

I decided to ask Liz out to properly get certain points cleared up.

Thinking over carefully it really doesn’t seem like the situation cannot be resolved!

Or perhaps this is just me, trying to hold on to something that inevitably will break down…

 

None the less, like a typical Korean Drama I waited at her door-step after her refusal to respond to me.

It didn’t matter if I was tired from a day of performing as a volunteer for Japan.

I even tried to call her on her blackberry, but there was no answer.

Her parents and Mei-lin’s attempts to reach her had failed.

 

When she finally came home…

And we chatted, I finally understood what was happening.

She plainly said she doesn’t like or love me anymore and that she doesn’t want to see me again.

Ouch.

Apparently she’s been thinking through this for 2 years…

and so will not change her mind.

I succumbed to my defeat, and for the first time stood far apart from her as we were both standing.

I’ve never felt so tortured not to be able to hold her again.

Went home, didn’t cry or anything.

Only until I started to sleep, and imagine her image did I start to get affected.

It’s not easy considering how much has happened.

 

The next day I told my Mum we broke up.

Mum immediately said, “Is it because of marriage? If you want we actually have enough money set aside for your marriage already. We were just waiting for you and Liz to ask.”

Well I told her that its already too late, considering she wouldn’t change her mind at all.

 

The next few days consisted of getting over Liz.

The cool down period did help I think…

Especially all the crazy interviews I’ve been going for.

My mum was wondering how come suddenly everyday I have 2 interviews to attend.

Now I’m spoilt for choice and thinking about how much I can achieve by the time I reach 35.

 

I went through my room looking for her things, and placed them into a suitcase to seal.

Like what I did with Pamela and Jess, I would seal them into a box of memories…

And only open them years later to appreciate the moments we shared.

 

…

There was a lot of things. Needed a suitcase not a box!

There was a picture we took at Kbox during my birthday,

a set of handphone straps bearing my name and hers…

A tinklet she gave me long ago…

I decided to find all the softcopy material and burn a backup to seal too.

Found a file of her singing “One Open Pore”…

some very rare and lost photos of her…

and all the cute videos I had of her with my old Handphone.

Also saved all my old blog entries into a document.

 

I think I will send Liz the backup Softcopy stuff.

If anything, I don’t think our precious time together should be simply forgotten.

I never believed in completely forgetting someone…

It’s more about accepting what has happened and moving on.

So while all these things I’m doing brings closure to me,

I think I’ll send a short letter to her with her photos, videos, gold clips and what not.

 

For me, they’ll be deleted away…

but stored in that box.

So that one fine day, years down the round when we meet again,

she might become one of the only few friends that could easily be another best friend of mine.

 

 

 

A long long time ago.

This blog began mainly because I was heartbroken.

Years later, a 6.5 old relationship had ended… and I’m heartbroken again.

While it’s strange that at 28 years old I still feel the same loss of breath and cold trembles when I realized that she was no longer going to be a part of my life,

I guess that at this age I had attained a certain maturity to realize that life goes on, and that I can’t just did what I did when I had my first heartbreak.

 

In the past I’d probably just spend days crying, cuddling in bed and being all vulnerable and all.

Yesterday I cried myself to sleep yes, but this morning went on to attend a career briefing, then performed Street Magic to raise funds for the Japan Earthquake as a volunteer in Town,

and went to confront my now-ex-girlfriend about a possible 2nd chance.

 

For the first time, I saw how determined she was to stick with her decision.

No more tears, no more of that soft fragile girl I dated for 6 years…

but a very strong willed girl who probably spent alot of time thinking seriously about us.

In that aspect, I was glad that she understood what she really wanted now and wish her all the best.

While it feels horrible to be the one cast away,

I came home feeling somewhat comforted, knowing that everything seems clearer…

and whatever doubts I had had been confirmed.

Knowing this, gives me the strength to move forward I guess.

 

And of course with the help of an old friend who also walked through such difficult times with me in the past,

she gave me advice and encouragement.

It’s funny how things unfold in life.

At one point in time, I felt this was it – she’s the one.

And then suddenly everything turns around and she starts to ignore my pleas, let alone see me again.

 

I think it made it easier knowing that in the end, she would probably be better off with one of her suitors.

Someone who can give her a sense of security and have the same level of maturity she has.

I was very tempted to throw every picture away we had,

but maybe like always with my past lovers, I would find a box (a big one this time) to put all the 6 years of stuff into.

 

The soft-toy with her recorded voice saying “I love you.”

The art work she did for me when we dated.

The couple watch we bought for Valentine’s day.

The ring I wrote on every youtube video in the past.

And the “Tinklet” she bought for me.

 

Goodbye my dear.

There had been times we wished we could forget,

but I could honestly say that it was an awesome journey together

 

 

 

It’s been aeons since I’ve been here at Xanga.
The trusty Blog to talk about stuff has been neglected!
I blame my Masters Program at NUS.

So much has happened since then.
I think this time I’ve learned to understand to seriously blog.
And hence would probably keep my blog private from now on.

Maybe would have some public posts here and there.
Used to post pictures alot on Xanga.
But with Facebook this seems redundant.

None the less I think it’s about time I returned to blog.
Not for people to see, but for myself to appreciate remember and learn…

So here’s the past 2010 easily shown via video

Cheers!
To the bright future!

Why have I stopped blogging?
Is it because I find more satisfaction uploading my photos on facebook?
Or maybe its because I just ALWAYS forget what I wanted to write in my blog.
Whatever it is,
I’m going to make a very textlike blog entry…
Simply because I think I deserve to remind myself what has happened in these days.

---

YOUTUBE

If my senior finds it appalling that I have watched 200,000 videos in a span of a few months..
Then it IS appalling.
I never realize how I have viewed almost close to 20 youtube videos daily.
Surprising but interestingly, Youtube videos have helped me in various ways.

It has made me laugh with my subscription to “Collegehumour.”
It has taught me various skills in cybergaming “TheMovieVault.”
It has given me ideas and concepts in video editing from tutorials using After Effects and Sony Vegas.
It has given me many things.

It has become like a source of information – like another wikipedia.
It has also allowed me to be an exhibitionist.
To post videos on youtube regarding my music, my gaming and even my random memories.
So much so that I have infringed so many copyrights that my old account has been BANNED.

And thus… my new account exist.

---

A NEW HOME

Did I mention we renovated our place?
Now I stay in an attic like room thingie.
And while I have my own privacy, having a staircase only means 2 things.
It gets tiresome to climb up and down 20 flights of steps.
AND it is DAMN painful to fall down those same flight of steps.

For the first time in my life, I now know the pain of what its like to literally roll down a flight of steps.
Thank God I didn’t land on my head.

---

GOD

It is incredible.
The Power of the Truth is so strong it defies the very principles of the world.
Life is getting better and miracles are being seen.
Thank God for Pastor Prince’s ministry.
My prayer is slowly but surely being answered.
Even darling dearest is starting to take Jesus seriously.
Anyone can have knowledge, but binah is given from above

---

NUS: M.SC APPLIED PHYSICS

I was almost at the brink of destruction.
Score was too low and was in theory already dismissed from my candidature.
A simple prayer, trust in the Lord made a miracle occur.
By some chance I was given a 2nd chance at my Masters.
But even with this 2nd chance I was bound to fail.
With the only hope of pulling up my score by taking 4 modules and getting straight “A”s,
I knew it was virtually impossible.

Then a prayer and a desperate cry to my Saviour changed things.
Somehow the co-ordinator is willing to pretend that I didn’t fail my Quantum Optics.
Thus meaning I can take TWO modules instead of 4, and aim to get a B+ for both instead of “A”s.
Basically it means that I have hope!

Halfway through the semester I know I’m already struggling.
With my thesis just beginning and experiments running,
my 3 weeks of 18 hour working days (including weekends) has taken a huge toll on me.
Physically, as well as mentally…
My other modules are suffering because of my dedication to my experiments and lab.

What lies ahead?
I have no idea.
But I can trust that in the end, I think I would be blessed.

---

COUNTERSTRIKE SOURCE / XTC

The very team / organization I started and founded has started to stumble.
The Counterstrike Source team is no more and its such a sad thing.
Especially since it began with CS:Source.
Although hot games like Dota, Blackshot and Fifa has taken the centre stage,
if it were up to me I would still keep Counterstrike Source.

It also seems that some in XTC expect me to do much more.
Unknown to them, I have already stretched the limit of whatever contribution I can do voluntarily.
Disgusting.
XTC was far more happier an united when it was much simpler.
Ultimately, my players will get paid and XTC will have a successful business model.
Though it is not possible now, but once I graduate and work,
those things will be put into place.

When the time comes…
I vow to reform the organization.
I am proud of their achievements but alas many of us feel it can achieve far beyond.

---

YOUTHS OF SINGAPORE

I was playing a Dota game with other gamers late at night at about 12am.
We needed a last and a young 16 yr old was invited from our friends list on Steam.
We were on “Skype” and were chatting on it while playing.

Suddenly it dawned on us that this 16 yr old had his “O” levels the next day.
Why was he still playing with us then?

In the background I heard an elder man reprimanding his son telling him to sleep early.
The 16 yr old youth’s reply was “CAN YOU F%&^KING STOP IT? I KNOW ALREADY. WTF LA.”

I was in shock.
Just as shocked as seeing a naked woman bath behind my house backyard when I was 12.

My immediate reaction was to ask him about it.
“How could you say that to your dad? He is your Father after all dude!”
And all this time I had the impression this young Singaporean gamer was softspoken.
But to have witnessed this personally was a clear warning signal to me.

“The Youths of tomorrow are changing”

It has just occured to me that while I started my real online gaming experience when i was 18,
many started when they were far much younger.
And the danger behind a community of gamers is this.
That while many may dare to provoke or hurl insults because of the fact that they are hiding behind nicknames,
this sense of empowerment over others in cyberspace can destructively twist and corrupt the moral behaviour of youths!
I told my mum…
That if one day I became minister, I would stop this.
Now that I think about this, I have a feeling this “sense of overwhelming empowerment” cannot be stopped.

---

and so here I am in the lab.
It’s 8.25pm at NUS in the VT-STM on a Friday night.
I should be with my girl…
but I’m not because of this…
ugh.

I’m going to update this blog.
And this time I’m going to make it good.
Not because I need to update you the viewer…
but because I want to remember those precious moments I had over such a long time.

• Chingay 2009
• ACS decade reunion
• On Air
• Magic stuff
• The new house
• Results, the future, economy
• Relationship stuff
• Uni Stuff
• Youtube Projects + Cubase AI4