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| Ok so....basically I like this guy. I'm crushing when I don't have any business doing so? Now why don't i have any business you may ask? Simple. I'm transferring next year. Whatever I start now would probably turn into a long-distance relationship. I'm really...not happy about that for reasons that would only be obvious to the people who know me well. Also - I'm a little scared that it's the same person Amy likes. And I have a lot of respect for Amy...I don't want to step on any toes. And here's the thing, since late last year up until now I was single and fine with it. Boys are a distraction anyway. Now I'm like...yeah...they're a distraction...but I feel the need for companionship. I feel like the crazy old hermit in the woods with no significant other, few friends, and a whole lot of silence and solitude. Yeah I like my personal space but lonliness is another story. I like people, and i like being around people. I can be very outgoing and insightful if people just give me a chance, the problem is most people just...don't. About half the time, I feel like the freaking wallpaper. I can be loud, guys, trust me. Just shove some chocolate down my throat and get me to a party with loud music and there you go! Or hell, just the chocolate would work fine. Gah and about this boy...I can't figure out if the kid is single or if he's dating someone...or what...or with my kind of luck he'll probably turn out to be gay (no offense to any of my close friends, but it has happened about three times now and frankly i'd really like to find someone straight.) Ok so yeah I dated someone last year for a little while but...the wierd thing is i didn't crush on him, he crushed on me or i guess that's what you would call it but I decided to give it a try and i really ended up liking this person....and then we broke it off before we really even got started good. So now I call it my little "moment in the woods" in reference to a certain performance i went to. He was my first kiss, the first person who ever actually asked me out on a date, and probably not the last - so everyone says - but what little patience i've been able to muster is growing thin. God has some kind of plan for me, whether it's for me to remain single or to find someone to fall in love with. But i'm just trying to figure out what that plan is, some kind of sign as to wether i'm fated to grow old alone or if i'm on a collision course with the love of my life at this very moment. I keep finding myself asking why can't it happen sooner? Why can't i see some results? and deep down I know God's timing is best...I shouldn't keep itching about the situation but just as soon as i think i'm doomed to be single/available for the rest of my life, and resolve myself to it, someone else walks in the door and i think to myself surely, surely it's him....but in the past I've fooled myself. So I guess I just need to do what i've been doing - hope for the best, but expect the worst. And wow this is a really long post...i guess because i haven't posted in awhile. I think i'll wrap it up.. Peace. - The spoon ninja (Nicole) | | |
| This is basically just a post to keep my xanga alive for now. i plan to start posting regularly again soon. Luffs all. - The Spoon Ninja | | |
| Not Done YetFor the first time in the history of Xanga, I have deleted a post. The subject said "Done" and the entry simply said "This Xanga Is Over" Well...maybe it's not over yet. | | |
| Well I just found out recently that one less person reads this Xanga now. Thanks for that. Beemer I think you were wrong about the whole my Xangas being oatmeal compared to cornflakes analogy cause it seems like right now, just about everyone out there except you is preferring the cornflakes to the oatmeal. So hell maybe I should just write these with you in mind from now on cause you're the only person that reads them anymore, except maybe Roger but I don't know if he even knows about this particular Xanga. It never ceases to amaze me how life can be absolutely wonderful and completely suck at the same time. I guess it's a bowl-half-empty, bowl-half-full thing. Everything I ever wanted in someone, in a friendship, I have. Except for one thing. It's just a friendship and that's all it is. But hell, even if it had the potential to be more, would I want it? There's the question. Maybe this friendship is just fine the way it is. God knows I wouldn't want a repeat of last time. But whatever. I just wish I could find someone who is right for me. I don't even know what to look for anymore. Last time I was thinking maybe I should look for someone who is very similar to me and that I have a lot in common with. That didn't work, really, especially considering the person's personality changed. Then I started taking more of a yin-yang approach, someone who I have some in common with but they complete the balance by also having differences, so that the whole "other half" thing gets accomplished. I'm thinking maybe that's worse than the first approach. :: shrugs :: Maybe the best thing to do is just wait and see what happens. I'm afraid though that I won't get many offers...but my rents think I shouldn't just settle for someone, because they say being alone is better than being with someone you're not really compatable with. Well yeah, maybe being alone is better, but is being lonely better? I don't know what it is but I feel the need to fill that void and if that void is there my entire life....
I dunno...
I guess I'd just have to learn to live with that, then, wouldn't I? | | |
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