I think hes losing it.

Here is some more poetry bullshit of mine. i write it on myspace, and then save it here cause bulletins on myspace don't last, this xanga is just basically my poetry/anything i want to save... place. Yeah..

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Whats it gonna be. You gotta a choice to make, fact is ya got it everyday. Are you gonna fuck yourself and sit home and sit in your own shit, or are you gonna pull it up and make worse by making it better? Are you going to live in fear, a fear that you don't care about, but will walk around you?
..Or are you gonna be fearful while standing up in the middle of the chaos?
.. Are you gonna be AFRAID while all hell breaks loose.. Or are you gonna BE THE HELL THAT BREAKS LOOSE!

Are you gonna suck it up, fuck it up, eat it up, and live...?

Or are you gonna fuck it up, kill them all.. stand tall.. and DIE?



What the fuck are you doing...
if its that second one.. keep doing it.

Love, Nicholas

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Its about nothing. Random bubbling of self contained bliss.. of shit. Its a bliss that you know not of. Cause its all ya ever do.. and all ya ever see.. that you don't even know its there. Its a bliss of nothing at all. Kick it around about 3 miles to the door. Cause it isn't going that far. Its nothing at all.

Its in your head and you just don't know, it licks your wounds, and lives off your happiness.. its nothing. Fuck it. Who cares right? Who fucking cares what it is right? Just live your life and go on. But its there.. and its trying to take control. How you live your life, so be it. Whatever you do. Cause its there, and doesn't affect everyone, just the few who choose it. Its nothing at all..

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I can type out words and crap.. whenever im on here or whenever at all.. but if I could project the music in my head, my thoughts into music and not just words. You would.. well.. hehe can't describe that feeling now can I? but you would love it. I'll be there sometime.. and you'll see.. just whats in front of me.

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these lovely lyrics will not leave my head. the whole day i swear...


-10 Miles High-




I'm getting closer, [4x]
All the time,
I'm getting closer,
All the time,
I'm getting closer, [2x]
All the time,
I'm getting closer, [5x]

I tried to get so high,
I made it 10 miles high,
I'm gonna get so high,

I'm gonna get so high,
You'll never get inside,
I swore I'd never turn into you,
I'm going to all the time,
I made it 10 miles high,
If you're not truthfull I'm not a lie,
I swore to god I would never turn into you,
I'm getting closer,
All the time.

Tear it all down.

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Life is wierd lately. Very little familarity besides my job.

I wrote this today... texting someone.

---

I'm in a dream. I need to leave. I need to see.
Where has my reality gone. Where is my sanity going.

---

Lately I'm just roaming around. You know that feeling when you waking up or falling asleep and all your mind processes is pictures and thoughts. Well thats what I've been doing constantly. Living in a world where what things are, they are not. All anything is, is what I see and then what my mind says. I will find myself thinking about the most random things.. during those times I actually find myself.. Swirling images and I don't even know. I'm just floating along reality. I've forgotten why I came here.. to this life. I don't know whats ahead its all so distant and foggy.. I have no pain, and no hope. I am not excited and I am not scared. I am ghost floating around.. but with no purpose or goal to achieve so that I may leave.

It doesn't matter if I waste away or make it worth while.. I am floating forever..

...





Come find me and don't ever let go.



Nicholas

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Shuffle on remove it, shuffle on remove, it.

It doesn't matter what happens cause nothing can stop you. Your dying inside. I'm talking about one of my friends, some of you know him some of you don't. He deals with shit, and keeps going. He fucks up a lot but doesn't stop. Its kind of depressing though. Cause he is only hurting himself. He's pathetic, weak, yet he will walk tall like he's so cool. Whatever, I'm getting tired of him, yet at the same time I admire him. He does stick it out, and hold on, but he just... his whole persona is driving me nuts I swear. I wish I could help him, I wish there was something I could do, but he is driven to the edge. He gets involved and will not stop, and no one can help him. he loses his mind, and lets it happen, because.. it thrills him. Isn't that a little wierd, to let yourself, or better yet, he pushes himself into some of his depression and keeps it there. I guess its his strong point, because he does do better in life when he does that. I talk to him, and he listens but he just does his thing. Its like, he invented his own fate of what will happen to him and now he can't leave it. He's a cool guy though, he likes art too. Fucking asshole. At least I got the balance with him, I both love him and hate him. Its not right I guess. But its what should be.

Whatever. his name is nicholas. fuck him.

Love, nicholas

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basically I fucking wrote one of the best poems i have ever written. I fucking wrote it. Yet the library, when you logon you get 30 min, and it fucking closed right when I finished. Losing all of it.

FUCK!

I wanted to save it, print it. Keep it, read it to people. FUCK!

i'm not this angry, but I'm an artist, and losing your work is like losing yourself for a moment.

I am who I am and I don't want to be removed without consolence of reason.

I'll write something new......................

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Rinse, Repeat, Remove.

Shamed, in nothing, losing, and lost.

Apparently.. nothing at all..

You.. won't.. see.. whats.. in.. side.. me..





---this is bullshit now I can't write..

Vision my self loathing process as I realize I should have saved it.


-its just alittle thing, a little moment, a day to day, fuck up.


help me I'm fucking myself and hating it.










Bullshit. I hate this. I wanted this to be a psychotic positive entry like normal. Now its bullshit and no fun.

Fuck it, Nicholas

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Though no one image, video, thought, can possibly portray me truly, this comes closer than most. The video itself (The day the whole world went away) The lyrics, and the pictures of it reflect me in so many ways. In this single image, this single picture, portraying what it is. In black and white. In that moment.

It reflects my life. I am bearing this burden on myself. I have accepted this unto my life. I am living it through as I am, wearing down on me. I do it, because I am me.

Love, Nicholas

This is the picture that has reflected me so long.

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Needing this

Needing, and needing, this want, this moment, I need it, I need you, I need something, don't know.

When, will this, come to, an end, When will I find whats, inside of me.

Hold me, Close, and don't. Let me go. I'm not, what, I once, was. I can't bear the mark of ignorance any.. longer. I see something in front. Of me

And I don't know what it is.

Or how to relieve this problem.

How can I end this without ending this at all.

Its all.. in.. my.. head.

Love, Nicholas