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| Uzumaki: 7.5/10
WUAOH! This has got to be the craziest, most incoherent movie I have ever seen. It's great. Uzumaki begins with a girl who's late to meet her friend at the tunnel where he's supposed to give her a ride back home on his bike. As she's walking to the tunnel, she sees her boyfriend's dad who seems to be obsessed with a snail. She tries to get his attention, but he just won't budge--he's fascinated with this snail. Later, the guy is at her house and is fascinated with her father's knack for pottery--the molding creates some nice spirals too. Before you can say "A pretty high school girl is get involved," the whole town is encompassed by spirals and vortexes. I mean everywhere you look there are human-snails on buildings or girls with freakishly twirly hair. It's total mayhem!
What a weird movie. Plot-wise, you have to accept everything that's thrown at you and not try to make sense of it, because it's not possible to do so. Visually, it's stunning. Although there is a good amount of CGI, it's not cheesy and it is done very well. The way the spirals are presented left my mouth open at parts. In one instance, a man kills himself in a washing machine, is burned in a crematorium, his ashes go up into the sky and for a spiral, then they slowly drift to the earth, looking like a tornado, then the tip of the spiral funnel lands in a lake which creates spiral ripples. Now, a great scene like that is ruined when a woman sees the spiral in the sky and her eyes literally pop out of her head. Things like that make this movie more absurd than its premise already is, which is a difficult feat to accomplish.
Watching Uzumaki made me wonder if any drug could cause hallucinations more insane than what was on the screen. The movie falls with its plot, or lack thereof. I was able to go along with the basic premsie, but the some of the deaths were just too unreal, and the finale was too contrived and quick. So if you're up for a good laugh and a couple of those "Woah" scenes, take this spiral for a ride. Otherwise, stay clear of the vortex.
Overall: 7.5/10
Violence: 4/10 I guess there was violence... it was all self-mutilation.
Gore: 6/10: There's a sufficient amount. My favorite was the eyeball in the windshield of the car.
Sex/Nudity: 0/10 There's no time for sex when spirals are on the loose!
Language: 0/10 Cero.
Scariness: 2/10 I guess there was one scene with some tenseness. | | |
| Kairo: 6/10
Okay, so ghosts are appearing in rooms because of a website that prints out directions of how to meet a ghost so people follow the directions and they meet the ghost and the ghost tells them that you are lonely when you live and that continues after death and that the internet is a false form of communication so people who see the ghosts kill themselves or dissolve into earth and soon the entire world has dissolved into earth and completely disappeared except for some people but some of the main characters die or dissolve and it's supposed to be sentimental but really it makes no sense and it hasn't made me heed its warning about technology but the undertones of lonliness were somewhat interesting and one death was interesting but that is no reason in hell to see this movie.
The sentence above is just as confusing as Kairo itself.
People either say that Kairo is a masterpiece or that it is pure crap, and as the pop song began at the end, and the credits rolled over the final, elaborate shot, I couldn't decide how I felt. While watching the movie I was bored to tears and a few days later, when I thought about it, I found it fascinating. The whole movie left a bad taste in my mouth. The acting was horrible. I gave it a 6/10 because i couldn't decide how I felt, and it was too confusing to be given a ten.
Kairo is just about as poorly planned out as this review. If you able to muddle through those 200 words or so, and found them to be artsy, different, and enjoyable, then Kario will be your favorite movie of all time. If not, (like me), you'll find Kairo depressing, confounding, and just plain odd. This movie could use a Japanese, even an (dare I say it) American remake. It's really, very bad.
Overall: 6/10
Violence: 1/10 Nada. Well sort of, but I won't really count it.
Gore: 1/10: Nope.
Sex/Nudity: 0/10 Uh uh.
Language: Japanese with English subs. GET IT?! I should really change that to "profanity." Anyway, it's a 0/10
Scariness: 1/10 There's a scene with a ghost but it wasn't very scary. At least they tried. | | |
| Cure aka Kyua: 7/10
Well, there's not much to say about Cure without giving away the plot. We begin with a man walking down the street and picking up a pipe, going back to his apartment and beating her to death with it, complete with a joyous waltz playing the background. A plethora of similar murders have been happening across Tokyo, all seeming to have no connection, except for an "X" carved into the victim. Who's killing everyone? Is anyone safe? Do movies get weirder than this? (Well, unfortunately they do, but that's another story).
When the last schocking, odd image of Cure was on the screen, I just wasn't satisfied. This was an intriguing movie with an interesting premise, but somehow it seemed implausible and very forced. The cinematography was great, but some of the stuff was WAY too weird--I mean there's one scene where the main characters are on a bus that seems to be flying in the sky... what the hell? There are some fun, great, entertaining scenes, but it's just one of those movies that deals with things that just don't seem real (MAJOR SPOILER)...
a guy who hypnotizes people and tells them to kill someone in less that three minutes just doesn't do it for me.
(END SPOILER)
So, if you have a fetish for asian horror, like I do, then see it. It's atmospheric and leaves a lot to discuss. If you want to see a movie with a great setting and unique visuals, then see it too. But if you're looking for a scary film, with a plausible plot, I suggest you pass on this one.
Overall: 7/10
Violence: 2/10 Not a whole lot.
Gore: 4/10: There's some blood here and there.
Sex/Nudity: 1/10 Hay una puta muerta.
Language: 2/10 I think there was something
Scariness: 2/10 Nope, not much of that either.
Number of times I said, "What the hell?": SEVERAL. | | |
| Haute Tension: 9/10 (I couldn't decide between an 8 and a nine, so I gave it the benefit of the doubt.) (France)
Two college girls, Marie and Alex, drive away from the city, singing Abba songs, heading towards the country in an attempt to get some peace and quiet so they can get some studying done. They go to Alex's family's house, and when they arrive, decide to call it a night. After masturbating to some weird Jamaican music, Marie (the guest) hears a noise outside. Now, it's dark out, they live in the middle of nowhere, and everyone else in the house is dead asleep (no pun intended). So, Marie goes to the window and sees an old truck outside, and a guy getting out. The guy rings the doorbell, the dog barks, the dad goes downstairs, opens the door, and we learn how many ways you can kill a person using household objects.
Haute (pronounced ho) Tension scared me. I mean, I was on the edge of my seat with my hands over my mouth wanting to shout at Marie to run for her life! It is such a suspenseful movie with that "cat and mouse" kind of mentality carried on throughout. But this isn't your Hitchcockian suspense--because we get ketchup, and loads of it. But the gore isn't funny--it's actually pretty freaky, and even a bit sad.
Now, I would have given this movie a 10/10, no questions asked, but the last fifteen minutes had to include the ever-so-trendy "twist" ending, and boy did it ruin the atmosphere. I won't ruin it for you, but it's pretty lame. Now, I read about the movie online after watching it, and read some things that justified the stupidity of the twist, and made it somewhat interesting. But mostly, it was dumb and pointless.
Lions Gate has picked up the rights to the distribution of the film, and it should be coming to theatres here in January of 2005. The good news: they're releasing the uncut version that I saw--the gore, as unreal as it was, added something to the movie. The bad new: it'll be rated NC-17... I mean if this is rated NC-17, then Freddy vs. Jason should be too.
Haute Tension was one of those movies that I woke up thinking about the next day, and was realistic enough to have one of those scenes where you say, "Holy crap, what would I do if that happened to me?" It pushes all those stupid "horror" movies like Jeepers Creepers and the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre out of the way and shows us all the elements of a true horror film. See it.
Overall: 9/10
Violence: 7/10 Yep, it's violent.
Gore: 8/10: We get the most creative beheading I've ever seen and much, much more.
Sex/Nudity: 3/10 There's a shower scene, a masturbation scene (you don't see anything), and something at the end that I mustn't ruin.
Language: 1/10 There's not a whole lot of dialogue... and the subtitles kept on going on and off... but i remember something.
Scariness: 6/10 Yep, it's scary. And not "Halloween" scary. This is the real stuff. | | |
| Battle Royale: 8/10
The new millenium has begun and Japan is in a crisis. I mean, it's crazy! Kids don't go to school, parents don't go to jobs, and the whole world is one apathetic load of crap. What next, is Godzilla going to come terrorizing the country? Unfortunately not. But instead, we get something better--the battle royale act. The act is passed, allowing one ninth grade class each year to be picked to be sent to an island and forced to kill each other off until one kid is left standing (and don't ask me why). So, this year's class gets picked and are filled with glee as they leave for their end of the year trip which takes them to the island where they meet one of their former teachers who kills two of the kids, and shows the rest a video describing the rules of the game. The frightened kids are given bags which have weapons in them--some people get guns, some get pot lids--and the fighting begins. We're not at Disneyland anymore.
The movie is EXTRAORDINARILY entertaining. Right when I tried to catch my breath from watching an innocent teen get killed, another person was shot with an arrow, and another girl vomited blood. Unfortunately, this movie is far from perfect. Since it was based on an intelligent book, it tries to be an intelligent film, giving us messages about apathy and warning us of what our world could become, but it doesn't do a good enough job at it. The violence takes great prowess over the ambiguity of the "poignant" moments. I saw the director's cut version which added 3 scenes to the end which were unnecessary and were simply trying to add depth to the film. It didn't work for me. Another one of Battle Royale's faults is one that was impossible to avoid with its premise: with over forty students, we only really get to know about three, making the others seem like extras... but hey, at least they get creative deaths.
So yes, see this film, only for its innovative and entertaining violence. It's not scary and it's not touching, but it is well-filmed, has some great acting, and is a very funny (sometimes unintentionally) movie. And plus, you get to see a nine year old kill a child molestor in a flashback. How can you go wrong with that?!
Overall: 8/10
Violence: 9/10 Holy Crap.
Gore: 6/10: Mostly fake blood.
Sex/Nudity: 0/10 One kid wants to do it with this one girl, but she stabs him in the crotch.
Language: 0/10 I don't remember... the subtitles were really bad.
Scariness: 3/10 Eh... a couple of jump scenes. | | |
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