InnerCries's Xanga

Friday, December 09, 2005

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 17:43:52 GMT

My mornings are rough for me. I feel real sorry for my husband. Some mornings he tries to be so sweet and I snub him off. I'm so depressed in the mornings. I'm reminded of how my body doesn't look the way I want it to. I'm reminded of how lazy I am: I haven't gone to the gym in over a week. I see the piles of clothes on the floor. I see the dishes piling up in the sink. I'm reminded of how broke I am: by looking at my clothes and wishing I could get more, but can't. by looking at my hair and needing the proper tools to make it look the way I want it to. Then I hear a voice that tells me that I am increadibly blessed compared to most of the world, and I feel even worse for complaining. So then I start to cry. I try to hide my tears from my husband.

....then I go to work, and all that I've put myself through fades away. And the night is wonderful.....until the next morning when the cycle starts all over again.

I hate being broke during Christmas. Can't buy the things that I would like to buy for those closest and dear to me. POOH!!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 11:46:06 GMT

HAPPY BELATED THANKSGIVING!!!

How did everyone's Thanksgiving go? Mine when very well. We went to my brother in laws first and then a few hours later went to my dad's cousin'. Then at the last minute decided to visit our friends. So full!!! Tried to get up this morning to work out. I got out of bed and went, but didn't have a good workout. I've got a massive headache today.

You wanna know something..... it sux big time being broke around the holidays. All the sales are going on. I keep telling myself that I'm going to save for the holidays and always end up spending that savings throughout the year.

I just went on the website of the hotel that we are going on our honeymoon (Cozumel) and Jan, Feb, & March are completely booked!! So we'll have to settle for April. I'll keep ya updated.

I'm getting old, too. My husband and I went out to the clubs with our friends the night before Thanksgiving. I couldn't hang like I used to. 2am came around and I was pooped out.

Well have a happy happy week ya'll !!!!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 12:27:25 GMT

*sigh* it's that feeling again. That loop hole that seems to never end. You know....where one negative thought leads to another, which leads to another, etc, then you're right back at the original thought. Last night I was hanging out w/ my husband and 2 of his friends. I suppose it was jealousy, but I wanted his attention. But it was one of his friends b-day, so it's not my day to steal the spotlight. So I got over it, or so I thought. While we were playing pool, I looked at my reflection in the mirror and got disgusted with myself. I'm just in a negative bubble. Perhaps it'll pass. Well....I know it'll pass if I let it go and turn to God. Which I did this morning. But I wished I would have last night. I downed 2 beers to get me buzzing so that "maybe" I'd fall asleep quickly, and instead I cried for 20 mins and then fell asleep. I was crying for no specific reason. Just crying. Then I was crying because I was crying. silly, huh? Why do we let satan take advantage of us, of our emotions? I'm gonna nap now. It's lunch time. Hope everyone's doing well. I'll be ok....after my nap. Thanks for always being there!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 14:26:14 GMT

geez! why does this time of year have to be so freakin' depressing?!? I'm so irritable and nit-picking at the littlest things. I've become super jealous. I know one reason why i'm feeling this way is because I haven't been praying enough. My husband has been super sweet and caring, but I've been nit-picking because he doesn't come up to me and kiss me or give me a hug. I keep mentioning it to him and he still won't give me a kiss. I would love to have one when I come home from work. I know it's not his love language. But I've adjusted to his love language.... sigh... I just want this dark cloud to go away. I haven't been able to sleep the past couple of nights.

Then we're suppose to pic out pictures for the wedding album tonight and that just got thrown out the window because of his friend wanting to go out to dinner. His friend isn't the problem it's his already married girl friend. It'll just be another day with all the inside jokes between my husband and his friend. I guess I just don't like being out of the loop. I used to be in the loop, but now I have no clue what's going on. So in a sense, I don't feel like hanging out with them. But then I miss my hunny bunny so much.

I just need to pray.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 09:52:40 GMT

So I'm sitting here, trying to figure out what i'm going to be for halloween. I need to be creative. At my work there is a $40 cash prize for 1st place. I've run accross 2. One of my co-workers is going to be a sexy Mrs. Clause (we're actually calling her Mr. Clause's mistriss). With her costume being that, if we do a department theme, I was thinking of being a letter to Santa.

Take an old white pillowcase and cut out three holes for your head and arms, so it will fit over your chest. Use a black marker to address it to Santa Claus at 1 Merry Lane, Cold, North Pole, 12250. Make up a fake return address and draw on a stamp. Stuff it as needed to make it look like an envelope.

Another one:

E-Mail: Dress as a man (if you are not one already!) Tape an "E" on chest. "E"-male.

I'm still going through all the ideas on this one website. www.costumeideazone.com.

we'll see. I'd really like to be catwoman off of Batman Returns, the whole patent leather with the white stitches, but I'm not going to pay $60 for a costume.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 12:56:22 GMT

question: Do you think that it is right to exploit someone else's personal life on a blog page (such as xanga, myspace, livejournal, etc.)? Where does the line of privacy drawn?

You're probablly wondering where this came from. Today I was addressing the thank you cards from the wedding. Some of the people I don't have their addresses with me here at work. So I tried looking them up on whitepages.com. Then I was courious to see if our home number was listed or not. Well it isn't. Then it lead my mind to thinking, "Well then how did one of his ex's find his number if it's unlisted?" So I google-ed his full name by putting in quotes. nothing came up. Then I put just his first and last name in quotes, and I got one entry. It was from someone from his past and it was on one of these blog pages. The girl had put his full name on the page for everyone to read. Now what's even worse....some of those people who may read her page are from our church. how nice is that!? I'm kinda surprised that she would post something there with it being over a year since the incident. lol....it's like she can't get over it or something. GET OVER IT!!! I mean really, if you're not married, there are no binds to keep you attached. Move on. And if you're a Christian (which she claims to be), forgive and forget. My husband's grandfather once told him (while we were separated), "For every one person, there are at least 50 perfect persons for him/her." I agree with it. Because really when it all comes down to the nitty gritty of things, people have the choice to love someone. The happy-lovey-dovey feeling goes away after a while. And when it goes away, what is left? You've got to make it work. You've got to keep things new/fresh. You have the choice of doing that.

*whew* there went my little venting session for the day.

have a great day!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 15:37:10 GMT

LOL!!! I was reading some of the past entries. I was so hostile. *giggles* I'm glad that I've grown up a little bit. Well, a big part of it is prayer. Prayer works.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 13:50:00 GMT

thought I'd change the site to not make it look so drab and depressing.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 13:29:21 GMT

here i am!!!

Well.....a lot has happened. I've gotten married. It's been real exciting, until just about a week ago. I feel the blues hovering over me. But I now know what the cause is. I've put my focus on something else, other than God. Everytime I get into one of these ruts, it's because I look at my husband, rely on him for my happiness, and guess what? He fails me. Only God can fulfill me completely. I've been reading 2 books, and they're REALLY good. "Sacred Marriage" and "Power of a Praying Wife" I strongly suggest "Sacred Marriage" for those who are in a relationship and even single people. It talks about making a relationship Holy, not making it happy. Because if you strive for happy, you'll be failed. Make it Holy, and you'll be nothing but happy. And then there's a lot more to it. So read it.

The wedding was better than expected. That's always good. However, one of my out of town bridesmaids canceled on me 2 days before the wedding because of car troubles and she's tight on $$. Which I was understanding. But then I call her over the weekend and she's telling me of her plans of getting married and is getting a $1300.00 dress. ? ? It just made me feel a little unimportant. I guess I could understand why she wouldn't try and make things happen. We've been friends since the 8th grade. Both our families were in the military, so we got separated in the 10th. Kept in touch, but these past few years have kind of faded. We're not as close as we used to be. It's sad, but when you live many miles apart, it's hard to keep that closeness.

oh well. Still, things are good here. My husband quit his job, so he's not as stressed. He was making $90K/yr. I know lots of $$$, but there was not quality/quantity time. He worked from 6:30am-7pm M-F, and 6:30am-5:30pm on Sat. Lots of hours. and then, at his job, he's surrounded by a bunch of dishonest, back-stabbing, 4-letter vocabulary, kind of guys. So I'm real happy that he's out. We're just waiting for the next step now.

I may be able to post a little more this week. I'm working the operator's desk, so I'll have plenty of time.

Now it's off to read how you are doing.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Tue, 23 Aug 2005 08:00:09 GMT

This bad spirit will not leave me. Another restless night. I need some rest because my bridal portraits are coming up. And some people can see that there's pain in my soul. I'd hate to be constantly reminded everytime I look at my pic.

good news: I got a promotion. yay! this means more money...hopefully. this also means more work. but for this week i'm training people to do my job and next week I'll be the one being trained.

I should be working out and getting ready for the wedding (too late for the bridal pics.) oh well. It's just gonna be another day. At least I'll be able to see some of my old friends again (they're coming in from out of town).