|
|
| | Most seniors have a driver's license. I do not. This is, in many ways,
a blessing. Many of you probably know by now that I got into a car
accident not too long ago on the way to a CBC concert with my mother
and brother. Long story short, some woman plowed into my rear right
side passenger door as I made a left turn at an intersection where the
traffic light displayed a green left arrow. The police officer at the
scene decided not to listen to me, and instead filed in his report that
I observed a solid yellow light, disregarding the conflicting
statements between the other driver and the only witness. The court
date to contest the fine for failure to yeild (not a typo; both the
ticket and report actually spelt "yield" like that) the right of way is
next Tuesday. As a permit driver, I will most likely lose. Nonetheless,
I intend to wear a suit and go down well-dressed.
More importantly, the paranoia has been so overwhelming for the past
two months to the point where, in the past week, I have had two
frighteningly vivid dreams about causing car accidents. My mother no
longer trusts me to drive her around, and personal doubts regarding my
eyesight have been exacerbated thousandfold. None of my friends seem to
have any problem with driving, unsafe as many of them are. There are
those who, with the music blaring and the passengers screaming, could,
and do, fly down the freeway breaking 90 mph, whip around sharp corners
fast enough to flip the vehicle, or rush out of intersections with
hardly a cursory glance. Providence smiles and leads these drivers home
unscathed.
Providence slaps me across the face.
I am a safe driver. This is a bold statement coming from a teenage
permit driver who has yet to fulfill his six months practice, but to
the naysayers among my peers, I submit the corollary statement, "fuck
you." I never ran more than ten miles above the speed limit, cut people
off, or flipped anyone the bird. I always made use of turn signals,
kept both eyes on the road, and tried my damnedest to be wary of my
surroundings. Hell, neither of my parents would even let me listen to
music; only their incessant yelling and the cold, impersonal voice of a
GPS navigator because I never knew where to go, which remains one of
the greatest sources of frustration.
Mistakes were made, of course. Once, at night, I turned at a four way
intersection and failed to see a car coming at me. The sound of
screeching tires is still difficult to forget. Another time, during the
day, I shot onto a road without seeing the "yield" sign. Luckily, these
events occured without notable incident. Despite having learned from
experience the importance of vigilance, I am furious that others
continue to drive so much more recklessly and get away with it.
After thorough deliberation, I have decided to purchase one of these:
When other people shop for land-based vehicles with safety in mind, they turn to sports utility vehicles.
I turn to the military.
Behold, the modern tank. With gas mileage at approximately three
gallons per mile, an M1 Abrams can already compete with most SUVs
anyway, so I might as well go to extremes. Soccer moms and aspiring
pimps can keep their silly Cadillac Escalades and Lincoln Navigators.
Some connoisseurs opt for the Hummer, but why go through the trouble of
mounting crew-served machineguns on the roof when the M1 Abrams comes
with a 120mm M256 smoothbore cannon standard?
Consider the advantages of driving a tank versus a car. The main cannon
swivels three hundred and sixty degrees to eliminate any opposition on
the road, thereby preventing car accidents one hundred percent of the
time; without cars, there can be no car accidents. Even if the
driver were to encounter a vehicle of considerable threat, i.e. another
tank, the driver is surrounded on all sides by steel encased depleted
uranium armor, eliminating risk of broken glass or metal shards from
other vehicles should an accident occur.
Besides, if you were to drive a tank, no one would be able to say "I never saw him coming, officer."
I cannot believe that no one else has thought of this before. Not to my
knowledge, anyway, otherwise I would be seeing more tanks on the road.
Have a nice day.
| | | Posted 11/25/2005 1:06 AM - 1 view - 6 comments
- recommend
  - recs0
- give stars
- votes0
- share
- email
 - sent0
|
|
