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| I really need to stop posting on this site when it's late. It's my lowest point of the day, and that conveys an overly gloomy feeling about my life.
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| I took a nap today - I'm sorry, I know, it keeps me up late - but I was tired and I'd been working.
Practicality. Tomorrow I have to go to work. Tomorrow I need to get a house painted, so that we can get paid - so that I can get paid - so that I can hopefully pay the people I owe.
I honestly don't know why I do any of this. To maintain a modicum of comfort, I suppose, although one might argue that obligations and having to do a job you hate is not comfortable. I suppose I do it so that I can hopefully give to people who do make a difference. People like Avery, in Ukraine, the missionaries to Alaska, to our church. I don't make a difference. When I do, it's bad. That's sounds self-pitying, but it's really just an analysis of my own incompetence.
Practically, I suppose I might do more, to get more stuff. I don't really desire any more stuff, though. I honestly am not really motivated to want the stuff I do have all that much, though I do prefer having food, clothing, and shelter over having none. I suppose I do want eternal rewards, but I'm pretty much limited to helping other people through material means.
More and more, my desire for anything - friends, a family, marriage, things, whatnot - are more and more like little planets that orbit me as I examine them critically. I don't trust my desires. I view them as little betrayers intent on luring me into hidden snares that will cause me much annoyance, pain, and confusion. Honestly, it's not the pain I mind so much as the annoyance and confusion.
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| Eyes faze
Brain daze
In the
Smoky haze
Smoky haze
Bring on days
Sun is blood
With bloody rays
Greener pasture
Will turn to brown
Grass will wither
A dry summer gown
Hot fires breach the wall
Burn inside your soul
Consuming ever more
What once did make you whole
Apocalypsis
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| I went to the Resolved conference. It was wonderful.
But what I remember most from the Resolved conference - besides the sermons - was a cute young woman by the name of Justine. I don't remember her because I especially liked her, but because of what I did wrong towards her.
I ended up sitting next to her before the session started, and we talked for about 15-20 minutes. And then when we went to break, I noticed her still sitting there.
"Are you going somewhere for break?" I asked.
"No," she said. "I'm going to stay here."
Why does this eat at me? Because, just before the next session started, as I was wrapping up my conversation with a few other people, I realized that she was just sitting there...no book, no friends, nothing to do. She'd stayed to talk to me.
And I had ignored her.
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| For those of you who don't know, my friend Chris Campbell has been staying with me for the last couple of weeks, give or take a few days. Why? Because he is working for my dad, and he normally lives in Newcastle, which is about an hour away. Also, his car, if he has one, is in Alabama, where he goes to college.
This has afforded me fewer opportunities to mope than I would otherwise have. It is difficult to marinate in the blackness of despair when someone nearby is chuckling as they IM their girlfriend or snore in the background. But I manage.
Did I mention that he is getting married?
Yes. Chris, one of my longest-running friends, is getting married. And moving to Alabama.
I suppose I should be happy for him, and indeed I am. But my little circle of friends is slowly self-destructing. No...that's incorrect. It's being subverted from outside, as my male friends slowly pair off with women who come into their lives and just sort of become busy with "family" stuff.
On one hand, it's kinda fun to watch. On the other hand...I'm running out of friends. 
But, there's always a bright side...at least I'll have time to mope! 
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