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| - My Week at Soma -Yesterday me, Chris, Jeff, Megan, and Jenny got back from our week at Soma, a church in Tacoma, Washington. We went to a thing called Soma School, which was basically where we learned about what Soma is: from learning the story of God, to their identities and rhythms, to how to build a community based on mission. If you want to know more about the stuff we learned, you'd have to go to the website or just ask me in person...it's too much to write down here.
It was a great time, to be sure, and I met a lot of great people (which got me very excited to be moving out there), but at the same time it was a very hard week. I don't think I was prepared at all for this, but I was confronted with a lot of stuff in my heart and life that I need to work on. Or rather, that I need to let God's hand shape. I've definitely been learning a lot about myself these past few months, and this week was no exception. For most of the week, we were taught classroom style (with a bit of dialogue as well) by either Jeff or Caesar. I found myself many times having to refrain myself from wanting to speak. I've begun to learn just how much I value my own opinion, and how I feel the need to share my "wisdom" with the rest of the world. Heck, that's mainly why I kept writing in this blog for so long. And, not that there is anything with me sharing what I'm learning (in fact the main reason I'm writing this is because people asked that I share what I learn over the next few months), but rather the motives I had for sharing were wrong.
I have been seeing in my life these past few months just how sinful I can be. I have a very hard time not being selfish, I am not good at listening to others or caring for them, among other things. At times I have felt very burdened.
But, there is another side: I have also felt very strongly God's grace. In the past, when I have felt burdened, there were a number of things I would go to for help. They were not all bad, but what mattered was that I was not first going to God. I have gone to many things to get my security, comfort and worth, but very rarely to God. I think when Jess and I broke up was the first time I truly and completely clung to God. Even in all the hurt, I felt a sense of peace and comfort.
Now, a few months later, I feel confronted now with the choice of where I find my identity and worth. That was, I think, the main thing that this past week was about for me. Will I find my worth from whether people enjoy what I have to say or not? Will I find my worth in the activities I am doing? Will I find my worth in some experience? Or, will it be solely from God? It's a strange experience, because I'm feeling like all these good thigns in my life are potential pitfalls for me. Not because they are evil or wrong, but because I place an unhealthy worth in them. I don't know if I've ever been so aware of this as I am now.
I was watching The Fountain with a few new friends from Tacoma the other night. Hopefully I won't be spoiling anything here, but towards the end of the movie the main character places a seed in the ground. I was reminded of when Jesus said, "I tell you the truth,
unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only
a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life" (John 12:24-25).
I'm very glad that I will be going to Reba for the summer. I think it will be a very good time for me to settle down, not be busy, and to set my identity on God and what Jesus has done for me. I want to do everything out of love for Him, and I want to increasingly be secure in the worth he has placed on me because of his sacrifice. Please pray that I continue to find this security, and that I have the courage to die to myself.
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| -The Summer is Approaching -Most of you probably got this, but for the few that I don't have your e-mails, here is my newest update on Reba and Tacoma: Everyone,
Greetings, I hope all of you are doing well today. I wanted to send
another update of what's going on with me and Reba and Tacoma. On
Monday, me and four of my friends are heading out to Tacoma,
Washington to participate in their "Soma School"
http://tacoma.somacommunities.org/missionaries/soma-school/.
For those who don't know, I am thinking of going to live out in Tacoma
at the end of September to be part of the church (Soma) for at least a
year possibly two. At Soma, they have things called "Missional
Communities" where people of the church from a certain neighborhood
meet together, with the purpose of figuring ways on how to reach their
neighborhood. The neighborhood that I'm interested in living in is
called Hilltop, and it's the poor area of Tacoma. There are already
quite a few people from Soma in that area, including a guy named Greg
Landon, who I have been talking to on the phone and will meet next
week at Soma School.
Greg, with a few friends, own a business where they flip houses in the
Hilltop area. They see it as a ministry as well, by providing
affordable housing for people, and also having Christians live in
certain neighborhoods to be good neighbors to their community. This is
what I would like to do out there.
But first, I am headed out to Reba Place
(http://rebaplacefellowship.org/Who_We_Are) in Evanston, IL. The ten
week internship goes from June 9th until August 10th, and during it I
will be helping out with their affordable housing "business" as well
as helping out in other areas (one I hope to work in is a bike shop
where they take old bicycles, repair them, and sell them cheaply or
give them away as part of an education program they do for the area
children).
Reba place has been around for 50 years now, and has a very solid
foundation of people living in community. I'm going to be living at a
house called "The Clearing" (722 Monroe st., Evanston, IL 60202) which
was founded by Peggy and Julius Belser (who still live there and have
been part of Reba for 40 years!). It's going to be a great place for
me to learn from those who have been living lives of ministry for many
years, and to learn more about sharing resources with a community of
people and living together (things I hope to do in Tacoma). Also, my
friend Mandy Wilkin is doing the internship as well, and we will be
living in the same house with Julius, Peggy, and about eight other
people! It will be a different lifestyle for sure, but one that I am
excited about.
I do not want to make this e-mail too long, but if you want to know
more about my plans with Reba and/or Tacoma, please call me
(*censored*) or e-mail me at this address (*not going to give this on xanga...sorry*). I don't know how often
I'll have access to the internet at Reba, but I hope to do updates
around once or twice a month. Also, I may write some in my online
blog, which if I do I will send an e-mail with the link to my blog.
Currently, I'm working again at Willow part-time on the night shift,
trying to make some more money. Money is a little tight right now, but
I'm trusting that God will provide (which He already has been). So,
for those who want to see me before I leave, I am free during the days
but I work pretty much every night until I leave, and work starts at
9. Hopefully, though, my roommates (hint hint) will have a going away
party for me before I leave for the summer. If not, visitors are
always welcome at Reba!
I'll make sure to write another e-mail before I leave for Reba, and
share some of my time at Soma School.
Blessings,
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| - Humility in Knowledge -I think as I age it seems increasingly difficult to be humble with what you know (or do not know). Not because of me, however, but because of my age. It seems to me that in your school years, you are not expected to know anything because you are still learning in formal education. In fact, it's almost tough not to be passed off as a know-nothing.
But, as time goes on (I don't think I'm at this point in my life yet...but it is increasingly apparent that it will happen) I think people have an expectation that you should know what you're talking about and that you need to be confident in the direction you're headed in life. For example, in the job field, I see people fake knowledge of something, and people willingly want to go along with the person's ignorance. To be wrong about something seems better than to not know anything at all.
I remember taking the ACT's back in high school, and it was the first test I can remember taking where it was actually better to not answer than it was to answer incorrectly. I don't know if this is on purpose, but I'm beginning to think the makers of the ACT are smart people. Because, all my life up until that point I had been taught to fake knowledge. If I did not know an answer on a test, it was better to guess because I had no negative consequences for guessing wrong. The same is true with writing papers: not writing a paper is way worse than writing a paper full of utter nonsense. At least you'd get points for trying...when you knew very well that you did not try hard at all, and maybe would even feel a little contempt for the teacher accepting your 3am caffeine induced nonsense.
I think not knowing is associated with laziness, in that the person does not want to take the time and energy to know, which in some cases is true. But it is not always that way. A good example of this is graduating college. Almost every graduate I talk to (and for sure myself as well) has this need to explain the reason, in a very detailed way sometimes, why they are making the choices they are making after graduation. When, I want to tell some of them, "Hey, it's ok to not know. In fact, most graduates have no idea why they're headed towards the next step in their life...the choices made after graduation are almost always based off of convenience and half-thought out ideas."
As I'm headed to Reba, and possibly to Tacoma, Washington, I've been asked repeatedly why I am doing this. Depending on how much time they have, I may simply say "I don't know...seems like the best choice to make right now." Which is funny to see people's reactions sometimes...they are unsure how to react. When, if you get me down for an hour or two, you'll see I have thought this out quite a bit, but in the end I still have no idea what's going to happen.
James 4:13-14:
13Now listen, you who say,
"Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there,
carry on business and make money." 14Why,
you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You
are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
In fact, the theme of uncertainty has been quite prominent in my life lately. Even in your best ideas and knowledge, life will still suprise you, and you will be faced in many situations where you do not know what is going on or what to do.
So, I have been learning to know one thing: God. I at least have one certainty, and that is His faithfulness. Someone said something very profound to me today: "If God can raise Jesus from the dead...I'm pretty sure he can take care of the $2000 you need."...good point. It is still something hard to believe, that God will provide, but even in my unbelief I do believe that it is true (wow, does that even make sense?).
Contrary to what I feel I have been taught in life, I am increasingly getting ok with the idea of not knowing. I have faith that God will be there for me, and if I seek His Kingdom, then he will provide for me. I used to think that that meant I had to do the "right thing" in seeking God's Kingdom (ie. I had to do this certain ministry activity, or become this type of personality) but now I am seeing that God does not require me to find but only to seek. If I seek out His Kingdom, I will eventually find it. I do the searching, usually a very clumsy searching at that, and in the end He makes himself found.
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| - Friendship and Aquaintences (again) -In light of my 3 1/2 year xanga birthday, I was going through some old posts. Here's one I liked from February 27, 2005...one of the longer ones, but still good. It's probably more appropriate now that people are graduating and have recently graduated.
Here we go:
I've been thinking about the past and people I used to know. Going to Judson, leaving, and then coming back again puts some weird thoughts in your head (I'm sure people who stayed the whole time have the same thoughts, though): it's weird how you can see a person walking down the sidewalk that freshman year you were best friends with and now hardly know. Part of you wants to say hi to them, or for me at least give them a hug, but the other part of you, the part that usually wins, says that you shouldn't say anything to them (or at the most say hey) because really they are strangers now and it should be kept that way. But, I think that's sad, and maybe even wrong...well, no not wrong just sad. Because, think about it, you were friends with them before,so there must be something in them that you liked or maybe even still like. Sure, people change, but what happened in the past will always be there. And, sometimes I think people have this preconception that if you say hi to them then you have to ask how their day is going, and how things are going, and then eventually say we should hang out. And, with that stuff, they usually feel like obligations, so you decide not to say anything at all. But, I think it's ok to just say hi or to give them a hug and then go on your way. We can be really busy (especially at work or atschool) and everyone knows that, or at least most do, so at least give them acknowledgement that they still exist. I wrote a one page comic strip on this last semester for a class,actually. It was really poorly drawn, but it was about an interaction I had at Judson with a professor from freshman year, it was my mentor group professor actually, and I haven't had a class or really seen her since. I was wearing my UHAUL jacket (yeah, I've had that for my whole college career) and as she was passing by she said something like,"Everytime I see that jacket I know it's you." And, I have to admit,at first that seemed like a really dumb thing to say and I didn't like it...but then I thought, no, she said that to acknowledge my existence and say she remembers me. Sure, it was awkward the way she said it and what she said, but it was a sincere attempt to let me know that she still thinks about me. I liked that. The other day I gave Ryan Lawrence a hug, and I didn't let him go for about half a minute. Then I said bye. I never really see that kid anymore (but we did finally get to hang out yesterday, actually, that was fun). But, I knew I needed to let him know that I still think about him and I still like him, and so I did it in the best way I know how...by hugging him. So, I guess what I'm saying here is that it's not a bad thing that you lose touch with people, it happens. What's important is that you don't let that time spent apart grow into bitterness, for when the time comes that you cross paths again, it would suck so bad if you were to hold bitterness against that person for simply not being able to be as good of friends as you once were (and besides, for the most part, friendships are always two way [there are exceptions like when someone intentionally cuts you off, however] and so they're only as much as fault for stopping the consistency of the friendship as you are). Enjoy the friendship you had with the person, and when you see them again, remember it in a fuller sense and be in that moment with the other person. That fleeting, half a minute moment that could change something in your life or in their life that you would have never of imagined. Cheers. | | |
| - Happy 3 1/2 Years! -Wow...three days ago, the 17th, was my 3 1/2 year xanga birthday. That's crazy.
Wanna hear something more crazy? Kind of a six degrees of Kevin Bacon thing...only not at all...
http://www.xanga.com/lord_ralphingtonshireworthford
is the old xanga of a guy who I would randomly post comments on, and he
sometimes on mine. I never knew who the guy was, we had never met, and
only really commented a few times and then that was that.
WELL....I was going through old posts, and linked to his xanga from one of his comments on my xanga....I KNOW THIS GUY!!!!
He's
dating Vanessa, one of the girls that works at Sonlife with me, and we
are most definitely friends now. How weird? So...I randomly comment on
some person's xanga, and then two years later I meet him in person and
he's dating my co-worker.
Crazy.
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