|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| eejanaika! In a word: ouch. What a hell of a last couple weeks. I'd love to beg for future moderation of responsibilities and all, but right now all I can help but think is "To hell with it all!".
I'm almost done. Completely. With college. Thats crazy. I've never used so many short sentences in my life as I've done just now. Thats how crazy done I am with college.
Holy Expletive.
Who knows? Maybe I'll continue taking Chinese and go to grad school at KU to pick up what I originally wanted to major in. Maybe I'll write a novel or a comic book or something. Maybe I'll find my "true purpose" or some bullshit like that.
"What do ya do with a B.A. in Engrish?"
Whatever I end up doing, I'm out of this town in less than a month. No job, no security or confidence after the next two weeks, perhaps... but I'm out of here. That is somehow reassuring. I like the possibilities that starting over presents, I just wish economic conditions were better or that I could quite simply be paid to be myself.
"I can't pay the bills yet, 'cause I have no skills yet."
Sucks to be me, I suppose. Except it doesn't. I'm happy with the last four years. Extremely so at times. It just feels weird for it to be at such a looming precipice.
Change is good.
| | |
| Nothing I write here will manage to be free from the pretentiousness or hypocracy that generally accompanies thought like this in hindsight, but I feel the need to write it anyway.
No I don't. Nevermind.
I guess just let it be known that some fragment of me is still here, and that part sincerely wants to change things. Whether or not the willpower and the resources exist to make it manifest in the future is the question of the times, but I hope I can maintain at least the notion of clarity that I now write with. May it come to fruition.
| | |
| Moron This SemesterMy classes kick ass. I just glanced at my evening class' syllabus and I'm hugely enthusiastic. I'll have to be sufficiently more academic this semester than I have ever been- I'm trying to ration my slack-time in order to make the most of all this.
I suppose the biggest dilemmas in my life at the moment involve, as always, impending financial apocalypses, inducing self-change, and practicing self-appreciation. Those last two are especially hard to balance with each other.
I've been feeling the urge to write a lot recently. I've put down my pen many times in the last few years due to self-doubt and good judgement, and I'm beginning to believe that stewing all this time may have actually allowed me to come up with a few noteworthy ideas. They may not make best-sellers or even good blog posts, but they are enough to interest me in writing again, and I suppose that says something on its own. Perhaps I'll never actually get around to writing and I'll just have a lot of really good notes. I'm generally pretty good at notes.
Oh yeah. China.
This semester I'm feeling even more obligated to force myself into traveling abroad. One potential possibility includes throwing myself haphazardly at the whim of Princeton University, and the EALC program related thereto. Basically, I scrounge up a lot of money and they force me to commit to learning Chinese, in Beijing... the good way. I love the idea of it, but I don't know if I trust myself enough to pull it off. In any case, to even apply I have to throw together a lot of effort in the next two days, and I've been in the habit of being idle a lot recently. Breaking bad habits is a goal this semester... indulging in them is another. Discovering what I truly want to do with myself is probably on a back burner at this point. Narrowing my use of cliches is imperative to my self-appointing panel of self-improvement.
Finishing my homework, however, is the most urgent thing. First things first. Scratch that.
I'm going to read now.
| | |
| I get to read Musashi for english credit, amongst a gratuitous load of other interesting materials. Not to mention picking up on my neglected Chinese.
This semester will probably kick (my) ass.
| | |
| I keep thinking about posting here, but nothing seems to come out right. I suppose Xanga often lacks the dispositional sincerity I simultaneously strive for and wish to mock... Everything else has been deleted, for various (and often good) reasons, so I suppose I'll try to make mockery of this one in late eulogy to other blogs that felt... different... perhaps more private or surrounded by less accusations. Xanga does tend to be martyrdom territory, I'm afraid.
Truth: I'm at an impasse. The kind where I catch myself looking at things and either systematically disbelieving them or ignoring them until I can become distracted by something more prominent. This is the kind of impasse that is absolutely necessary, because its the kind that makes me awkwardly aware of my redundancy.
Distraction: Its been a good couple o months for games. I don't remember being anywhere near this enthusiastic for things my computer can run. A new graphics card helps; A slacker attitude promotes.
Meanwhile, it dawns on me occasionally that I'm in the process of learning a language. A big, fucking complex language. This fact is starting to excite me again; something that hasn't happened since the trip to China was waylaid. The time I have that isn't spent debating on whether or not I should write a Xanga entry, or whether I should play Portal or Company of Heroes is spent debating whether or not I should work on my ever-increasing load of Chinese homework.
Thought: What should I do with all this time?
Perhaps, given the right amount of strength of will, something worthwhile.
| | |
|
