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| its a sad state.to be in your head. A sad and pitiful place. Full of lies and bad ideas. Full of pride and envy. I want only to serve myself and maybe a couple others. But mainly myself. I want but I do not want to work for what I want. I am not happy but I do not take the steps to be happy. I am so obsessed with wanting to be happy that I am unhappy. In my mind, things aren't right. I have glimmers of hope every so often. At times I am pleased, but never completely and consistently appeased. And you know things are not going to get better. they are what they and will be what they are until I die. hmm.
good thing I am a Christian.
(has listening to Free Bird ever made you cry?) | | |
| mind phasesmy young immature mind, always changing and running or sleeping. It is never consistent, and sometimes I dare not trust it. Sometimes when all is gone, feeling abandoned, my mind and thoughts are all I have. What I have learned from that is this:
I am a sinner, with a mind that produces thoughts and ideas from a soul that is stained with sin. The hope: I am saved by a man from History, who claimed to be the Son of God. Who told those who saw Him that they saw God. Salvation has been imparted to me from a Divinely Sovereign Creator, through the work and blood of his Son Jesus Christ.
My mind can only produce so much frivolous rationalistic speculation on who God is or who He isn't. Mystery exists. There's wisdom, there's truth. I can only go so far with the ontology of God before I can run into Mystery. I am a created creature, made by a Beautiful creator. I am formed in His image, in his likeness. He is sovereign, divine. He is omnipotent and omnipresent. He knows all the secrets of your life and mine. He knows the future. You do believe he is Sovereign right? You pray for things, you ask God to save people, you thank God for saving you. God is God. Its a frightful thing to stop and think about the implications of the word god and then think that God exists.
I am a depraved man, saved only by the grace of Jesus Christ. I commit my life to Him because He is God and I am His created, his beloved.
life is Jesus Christ. I hold strong to that. Life is the Gospel.
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| feelings tell me that I am, but they do not dictate my spiritual progress. | | |
| sad story.what is Joy, that I should pretend that I have it so that people will think Christianity is attractive and that I can do my part and say that I lived my life to make it seem right and warm so that people can "find" Jesus.
Am I the only one that seems to have no joy in this faith. I am sure I am not the only one. I do not want to be picky and choosy dear God, but I have done a bit of research in the New Testament and have found the word joy pop up numerous times. I could even look up and get my Bible concordance... oh wait.. its not there and even if it was I dont feel like picking it up. Maybe I should do a word study on the original Greek meaning of the word Joy... oh wait.. I don't want to.
Hope.. what about you? My hope is this: ...... I'm going to heaven. Well... I think joy and hope should run together, but Im missing the joy, maybe because I don't have hope. ah here's the relation. at least in my own mind [which seems to be the only thing real or important] the two are related.
"But I have convinced myself that there is absolutely nothing in the world, no sky, no earth, no minds, no bodies. Does it now follow that I too do not exist? No: if I convinced myself of something [or thought anything at all] then I certainly existed. But there is a deceiver of supreme power and cunning who is deliberately and constantly deceiving me. In that case I too undoubtedly exist, if he is deceiving me; and let him deceive me as much as he can, he will never bring it about that I am nothing so long as I think that I am something. So, after considering everything very thoroughly, I must finally conclude that the proposition, I am, I exist, is necessarily true whenever it is put
forward by me or conceived in my mind." -René Descartes
I suppose when I begin to think like this I am supposed to jump on one man's statement, "Seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand." Thank you St. Augustine. but that just does not settle well with me.
I suppose when I begin to think like this I am supposed to push all these wordly thoughts away and pop in my Sufjan Steven's Holy Holy Holy and say "OBEDIENCE!" and ask God for forgiveness.
Is Christianity something we can only concieve of or find peace in through only rational thought? nah.. but sometimes it seems like that.. i am not happy with always having to submit my running thoughts to something and call it quits and obey. my mind can only sit still for so long.
---- wait wait wait.... forget all this.
rocknroll... thats where I will end tonight... little did you all know.. i spent the last hour doing rocknroll.. i feel better. goodnight.
[special thanks to: AC/DC, QueensOfTheStoneAge, TheFooFighters, and my Ibanez JetKing, and FenderPerformer1000] | | |
| going pt 2I'll be heading out. But thats for later.
now its read read read and study study study and ask ask ask and learn learn learn.
thats my life and I like it. Of course there is a good balance of G-C-D's and guitar solos that I couldn't live without even if i tried. there are friends who make this place home. They care for me and think highly of me. they are crazy, but they may feel the same about me cause I care for them like crazy.
I've learned that I am a little too anylitcal and not sensitive enough. hmm. upon learning about that, I couldn't help but agree. wierd. It doesn't even phase me. I need a softer heart. I can remember praying since I was a sophmore in HS for a softer heart. there was one time in my life when I really felt that the prayer had been somewhat answered. but that came and went. I need some balence.
my calla lily is in full bloom, my gerbera daisy is dead.
i guess the point of this post was really in the first sentence. im heading out, but later. so I will worry about it a little later. until then Im gonna enjoy this fine little town and people in it. | | |
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